It's completely okay to back out of suicide. Please know you aren't weak or inferior for it, and that your suicidal ideation isn't invalidated or fake because of a failed/aborted attempt. Whatever you do, it should be for your comfort and happiness. I am glad you decided to back out of it, but I also recognize the suffering that comes with continuing to be alive, and I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry that life is so painful that you have to worry yourself with suicide and SI to begin with. I'm sorry you had to make this decision, and I'm sorry you were faced with such intense fear when you tried to go through with it. Whatever you decide to do from this point forward, I hope you find happiness and relief.
Thank you for the kind words, it means a lot.
I've attempted before with pills and alcohol but they're always out of impulse, and so I've failed for not planning it well.
When I was holding the bottle of SN and I was left alone, in my room with no one at home for the next six hours, I felt frozen in place. There were so many things going in my head like, "what if I throw up? what if I get organ failure? i don't have meto, i'll fail. what if i reach out to my ex in panic and they contact the police? I'll be disowned if i fail this. they'll take me back to the psych ward."
and I had to put my bottle of SN away because I felt a panic attack creeping in.
I told my friend about this feeling, I said it's a lot like survivor's guilt, but they didn't understand what I'm saying.
I think for me, benzos/anti anxiety meds are important to push through. Genuinely didn't think my SI would be this strong despite my desperation to die. it's a fascinating phenomenon, having SI. I need to navigate around that.
Admit it, you don't want to die. Too many people confuse wanting to escape with wanting to die.
Nah, my guy. I attempted 4 times already. Sadly, I didn't even feel mad, offended or insulted with your accusation because I'm sure within myself it's what I want.
It'll be nice, though. I always thought I'd eventually stop feeling suicidal, and for a couple of years; I thought I was cured.
But something will always happen, something will trigger you and it'll always come back. I can't escape the urge, the need to die. I wish I genuinely had more reasons to not result to CTB but I've reached a point in my life where I'm out of options. I don't want to be miserable, nobody does.
But sometimes the pain is too unbearable to keep going. I have no one to blame for my cowardice of not drinking the SN. I feel like complaining about my problems is futile. Because if I hate it so much, why have I not done anything to fix it yet or CTB? it's not as black and white.
100%.
