Venting Did you try very hard at life but in the end you realise none of it mattered?

[todiefor]

I use to really like this linkin park song, but I was really too young to have understood its meaning. Then over the next two decades, I tried so hard, really tried my very best to to give life the best chance I could, to honour all the opportunities and gifts I was given, i worked so tirelessly I would often just get home at 7am just to get changed and go back to work, I ignored my struggles and made so many sacrifices for my supposed family and loved ones, i moved across the globe for them ignoring my deep yearning for stability and sense of belonging and home, I pivoted and reinvented when things didn't work, I faced every challenge front on even when I felt so alone and unacknowledged, I pushed hard out of my comfort zone to make peace with my surroundings, when my loved ones hurt me I made excuses for them to keep the hurt at bay. And I got far I guess, i broadened my horizons, I experienced the world, I saw beautiful things, I thought I was building towards a future, I thought I was loved and everything I did meant something to my family.

When Bennington hung himself in 2017 I revisited this song and still didn't quite understand its meaning, I was still working hard doing all what I thought were the right things. I was tired but pressed on.

But as the song suggests, in the end nothing I did mattered, doesn't matter how hard I tried, the abuse and neglect and abandonment I experienced at the hands of my loved ones in life haunts me and make my life unbearable, I'm told I should just go kill myself, nothing I did meant anything at all. I can't trust anyone or myself anymore. What exactly is the point of anything?

I just can't breathe, everyday is such a struggle, I hate the moment I wake up and I see the sun streaming through the blinds, another day, life is such a joke.

 

[MissionSucksAssFul]

yeah... Chester really knew what's up... I admire the strength it must have taken to try this hard, and though I never did pretty much anything to improve myself in any way, I still feel like mentally I gave it my all and still I find myself wanting it to end... I hope death won't force us to try anymore, frend

 

[▪︎⚠ ＫＯＨＩ ⚠▪︎]

Me too.

I often struggle and work hard to try to recieve some recognition from my family, although they always tell me that I should do things for my own satisfaction, not for theirs.
But, even if they say that, even if I try to make them proud of me it seems that they never get enough of what I do.

Their indifference makes me wonder if I should really stop trying hard enough.

I know that if I put it this way it may sound as if i live with some real assfucks but the truth is they are actually kind people.
It makes me guilty to think like this about them, that they hurt me constatly for they enjoy or that they don't care about me and just pretend to do so, but it seems I just can't understand what they want me to be or do.

 

[Shaylla1998]

Society fails to recognize and appreciate the efforts of many, as it tends to prioritize personal gain. Many individuals derive satisfaction from looking down on others, enforcing a sense of superiority. This is just a glimpse of the cruelty that makes up our society.

 

[lethargic]

Kind of. I realised that your childhood and the zip code of where you were born basically dictates the rest of your life. I lost a lot of important dice rolls and all of them are still biting me in one way or another at the age of 25. I'm the first in my lineage with a uni degree though, if only that meant anything to me. That's about the only "impressive" thing I have going.

I actually recall thinking to myself at like age 15 that suicide would probably be the way I end up dying eventually. So a bachelor's degree, a year of living offshore, one long-term relationship that ended in pure pain and a year of military service later, it seems like I was correct after all. A pure prophet. All of these pretty exciting experiences and I'm back at square one.