Did you think you'd make it this far in life?

[bed]

I always thought i'd be dead in my early 20s, now am in my mid-20s.

 

[MostInteresting]

This is a really timely question for me. I've been thinking about death actively since I was 8. My parents moved us across the globe, and I remember staying up nights, contemplating non existence.

It was so scary, that at 10 - when I had to pick a "talent" designation for school - I chose writing. To be like Shakespeare. I figured, he's dead, but 500 years later, people stop remember his name.

I got baptized at 12 to be like Jesus - he'd been dead 2000 years, and people knew of him, and I figured that 2000 was much more than 500. That's when I gave myself a set number of years: live to Jesus ascension age, 33. Anyone over 30 seemed like a dinosaur, anyway.

Early in college, I took a lit class, which focused on Marilyn Monroe. I liked Marilyn, a lot, so I shifted my timeline to 36. That's how old she was when she died.

I just turned 34 , 2 days ago. I called it my Dancing Queen × 2 celebration. Honestly, I didn't think I'd make it here. Die young, leave a good looking corpse, goes the lyric. Another musician called early death anti- wrinkle medicine. Maybe that's what it's about: stay beautiful.

 

[Chronicillness]

When I was an adolescent, I was certain I wasn't going to make it to 18. When I had my 18th birthday I didn't let out a sigh of relief, because I was CONVICTED on the certainty that I wasn't going to be alive to see my 21st. When I was 21, I accepted that the reaper was just late for his appointment with me, and that I would be culled by him when I least expected it. I'm 28 now.

The perception of time speeds up with each passing year, and so you hit milestones you never felt were possible to hit a decade ago. This slowed time perception at ages 21 and younger deceived me, and I lived recklessly thinking that I was going to die before the age of 21. I am paying with pieces of my SOUL now for living like a complete animal and self-harming to the nth degree.

I'm flabbergasted as to how I am still alive because i've nearly lost all of my autonomy and cannot do everyday tasks that most people take for granted. Don't be like me, if you're alive, you NEED to take care of yourself. Your body is capable of torture beyond your imagination and I would hate to see someone irreparably depreciate their own body because "I'm just going to kill myself soon anyways."

 

[stellabelle]

I always thought i'd be dead in my early 20s, now am in my mid-20s.

No.
And that's the sad part. This was an unending, cruel, fucked up life with fucked up relatives and fucked up jobs, fucked up people, fucked up everything.

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

Same. I'm even more pathetic than I already thought I would have ended up being.

That describes my life too more than perfectly, friend. I'm sorry that you feel the same way.

 

[liberty_222]

I mean i thought I'd be dead before 17