Did you feel better when you feel as if you made a firm decision to CTB?

[Takamagahara]

So for the past four years I've been operating with a "failure state" - it's a video game term that usually refers to the conditions that cause a Game Over screen. Failed to save the princess, HP hits 0, ran out of time, all that.

My "failure state" was triggered last week. I'd been hoping to repair things with an ex but I confirmed that she was dating and going steady with someone else now. Woohoo. I'm sure this sounds pedestrian and lame to at least some of you, but I'm not gonna go into why this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Suffice to say I have less than zero confidence as to my prospects of a happy future from this point forward.

Anyway, since then I've been coping and it's been rough. Did all the usual stupid shit pro-lifers recommend like art to express oneself, have a good cry, reach out to people while also being unable to tell them about my thoughts because otherwise they'll get me sectioned, blah blah blah. Like a lot of suicidal people, it's not that I actually want to die, but the prospective pain of staying to experience the future feels so overwhelmingly bleak that I have no choice but to CTB to prevent a lifetime of suffering.

I've had a few aborted attempts due to a lack of conviction, but this time I really felt confident that I was making the right decision. And it made me feel energetic and happier. Like so much tension I was hanging on to was finally released because I knew that a definite end was in sight. All I plan to do is finish Baldur's Gate 3 (shouldn't take until more than the end of August) and then I've got a gun.

For those who feel like they've fully committed to the decision to CTB (whether or not you have aborted attempts in your belt), did you notice a marked improvement in your overall mood too? What were your feelings?

 

[fwompie]

It's very common to cheer up once you know you have a way out. It's actually something people are told to look out for in depressed loved ones since it's a sign for that decision.

My life has actually completely changed since I've had some good methods. I started some new things with the thought "might as well, I can always die" and that has been keeping me alive for longer than I thought. I know I'll end up dying young by suicide but I do feel more comfort. My issues are mostly because of mental illness so my state of mind has been the same but I'm doing many things I wouldn't have done out of "why would I it's meaningless".

I'm also very excited about Baldurs Gate! :)

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's always felt like a comforting thought to me that it's there as an option. It made me feel much better when I got my SN. I guess now though, I'm back to thinking too much- What will it be like? Will it work? What will happen if it doesn't work? I don't have immediate plans to do it, so I suppose it just gives me too much time to go back and forth. I definitely think there's a release when we feel sure about any major decision in life though. I suppose CTB is the decision to eliminate all others. I'm looking forward to that. I'm sick of having to be responsible and make decisions.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I would say in general it's relieving when someone found a method they are comfortable with and the method is ready to go. I decided for my method several years ago already but I guess I wasn't too broken to really feel relief in that. To me CTB is a logic consequence in any case. When I registered here I was so close to CTB and I was ready to go and I was too broken to feel anything but probably without a method it would have been even worse. Obviously I didn't CTB back then and currently my overall condition is better. But I would say it's good for me to know that I can CTB at almost any time and being prepared for it.

 

[dialogos]

I was relieved when my SN arrived. It meant I had a clear, effective, affordable, readily accessible (for me) method to CTB with minimal pain compared to other methods available but are quite frankly terrifying. My ideal would be fentanyl. Once I had it, and with my ever changing circumstances, I don't have to feel pressured to CTB right away. Strangely I was so depressed for 7 days that I severely wanted to CTB last July, yet now I don't feel it anymore. Its why I need bloodwork done if I can afford it. My hormones or even neurochemistry might be involved. I still have to look after my mom for while but I'm comforted I can go anytime I want and I'm not despairing for a humane method.

 

[phersper]

I was relieved when my SN arrived. It meant I had a clear, effective, affordable, readily accessible (for me) method to CTB with minimal pain compared to other methods available but are quite frankly terrifying. My ideal would be fentanyl. Once I had it, and with my ever changing circumstances, I don't have to feel pressured to CTB right away. Strangely I was so depressed for 7 days that I severely wanted to CTB last July, yet now I don't feel it anymore. Its why I need bloodwork done if I can afford it. My hormones or even neurochemistry might be involved. I still have to look after my mom for while but I'm comforted I can go anytime I want and I'm not despairing for a humane method.

Hearing all the failing attempts with SN doesn't make you worried? At the beginning I was like you, got my SN, felt relieved. But the more I dig and the more the time it passes it seems SN is not that lethal, even if you follow the protocol and the risk of failing is quite high….

 

[dialogos]

Hearing all the failing attempts with SN doesn't make you worried? At the beginning I was like you, got my SN, felt relieved. But the more I dig and the more the time it passes it seems SN is not that lethal, even if you follow the protocol and the risk of failing is quite high….

I did my research, weighed the pros and cons, examples:
1) c0 method, I'm just renting, so briquettes could cause a fire after I ctb, might hurt or kill
Innocent neighbors, also ppm has to be high.
2) inert gas (almost as good As fentanyl) but complicated in my country, expensive
Purity of gas questionable. Rebreathers with cartridges would be intercepted at customs.
3) fentanyl. Best but So hard to get. Great chance of being jailed before trial
4) night night, hard to do properly.
5) other methods painful etc

SN is the best option available for me, has a high success rate. Its so high that the usa, Canada, other countries have made it a controlled substance because so many young healthy people died from it.

 

[FindingHome]

I feel better knowing that I made the decision to CTB. Now that I am preparing everyday until that day arrives that also gives me a sense of relief knowing that I will soon be gone.