Discussion Did this start early for you, and why? I don't understand it myself.

[ripberman]

A few years ago, my sister moved out of the house. Together, we rifled through her belongings, separating the trinkets out into a "junk" pile and saving everything else. She found her old diary—written at the age of 12, when I was 11. We read through a few entries, looking for a laugh. We stopped reading when we encountered an entry about me. "She's so weird sometimes," scrawled in purple ink. "She says she wishes she was dead."

I have wanted to die for as long as I can remember, and I do not know why. My childhood was marked by abuse, but surely the brain is more resilient than that? How could the desire to live be extinguished so early? Before I even had a chance.

Once the seed was planted, it never left. On paper, I can pass as a real person, someone who wants to live—I have worked, studied, and experienced. But deep down this thought is always with me, that I should die, that this life is not worth it.

I keep my ideation relatively hidden now, and my family see suicide as a childhood fantasy of mine, something I put away like a cherished but fraying toy. I can never tell them that this year, I might finally find freedom from my life.

Does my experience resonate with anyone? For those who feel the pull this way, what might be the origin of it? I would greatly appreciate any insight, as I cannot speak of this to anyone.

 

[todeswunsch]

I do, I don't remember a time that I didn't wanted to die.
This desire showed up as early as I understood what death is. It only increases as time passes.
This became part of me, and my identity. Maybe the only true thing that I have.
I cannot see me without it, so I don't believe in treatment.

I am autistic and have been undiagnosed my most of my life, had neglectful parents and I have an hemangioma in my face that stigmatizes me.
I have suffered from early age and didn't had the proper support, so I think this desire grew in as I started to comprehend my situation.
This is what I guess of course, I can't be sure. Maybe I'm just born wrong.

 

[ripberman]

I do, I don't remember a time that I didn't wanted to die.
This desire showed up as early as I understood what death is. It only increases as time passes.
This became part of me, and my identity. Maybe the only true thing that I have.
I cannot see me without it, so I don't believe in treatment.

I am autistic and have been undiagnosed my most of my life, had neglectful parents and I have an hemangioma in my face that stigmatizes me.
I have suffered from early age and didn't had the proper support, so I think this desire grew in as I started to comprehend my situation.
This is what I guess of course, I can't be sure. Maybe I'm just born wrong.

I am sorry that you are suffering this way too, and I relate very much. Especially to that feeling of being "born wrong," like there is just something defective in our composition that causes us to want to die. I can only imagine what a physical deformity does to compound that misery.

For what it is worth, I likely have autism as well, so maybe that is the key to all of this. In any case, thank you, it is both sad and reassuring that someone else has this experience.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, my ideation showed up early too- aged 10. Life was really shit for me at that point though- so, I think it's fairly logical I wanted out. I'm sorry you had such a rough childhood.

I do believe suicidal thoughts can become ingrained almost. I love that line in the film 'The Matrix': 'Like a splinter in your mind.' I think that- when a person has come to terms with it as something they could do- it's always there as an option. For me- these thoughts have never gone away. They've just varied in intensity according to my circumstances.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Yeah, mine began aged 9. Evil parents and mental illness from an early age played a large part.
Yet I've never felt like I belong in this world anyway.

 

[Kit1]

Not sure when mine started. Always felt like I want to die or not be here. I was told that I might be autistic - doctor messed up the assessment referral. I also have cPTSD, CFS and a lot of other issues and was abused for most part of my childhood. They used to find me wondering the street even before the age of 4 - I was non verbal at the time as well. My first proper attempt was at 14. It is trauma based and I really do think that SI is a part of me now and will probably die by ctb or because I refused to be treated by any doctors and have stopped all my medication a while ago (which is probably slow suicide?). Nothing the NHS can do as I stoll have my faculties, so they have left me alone.

 

[Freaknik]

It started around the same age for me too; at just about 11 years old I was formally diagnosed with depression, but I had suffered from a feeling of emptiness a bit earlier than that.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that in my case I've certainly never really wished to exist from what I remember. Ever since I was aware of what death is, it comforted me and all that makes sense to me is wishing to escape from this existence that I was so harmfully burdened with. Existence itself is the true problem so my wish to die is a result of becoming aware.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

Started around the age of 12. Got much more serious around 14 due to trauma and consciously supressing certain events and pretending like they never occurred. Botting emotions and thoughts. And I think purposely isolating myself definitely amplified it. Its been like this for as long as I can remember. At some point in the last couple of years I started to want to get better but I am definitely backsliding. It's not easy without a support system but it also makes me feel terrible and dependent for wanting one so I just keep struggling alone and never talking about it. I think I handled it better alone when I was younger. I had much more confidence in standing alone. Even if I was terribly sad and not healthy

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I relate. I don't even know when this started or how it started. My theory is that it started because I got neglected during childhood.. but I can't even call it neglect as I did get care due to me being autistic and requiring special needs. I feel like maybe my neurotype has caused me to have a higher amount of needs (mainly emotional ones) to feel loved and supported and I hate that I'm like this. Like I got bullied during school and I never made a friend.. ever either