Envious of those who don't have loving family

[coolgal82]

im ngl sometimes i kinda relate but i wouldnt say i "envy" them more i just wish my parents just opened their eyes and saw how much better off theyd be without me.

I tend to more commonly feel guilty over it though like i have good parents and claim to be depressed and whatever it feels like im just faking it and i dont deserve to claim i feel bad, and that im just an awful person for thinking my struggles are in any way bad/important when everyone else has it so much worse. then it starts a chain reaction of feeling bad because im making their struggles about me and im an awful person for that too and that cascades into more stuff.

 

[voltage268]

My reason to want to ctb is a neurological condition that causes severe nerve pain in my face. Meds won't help, even morphine, and it's getting worse daily. It's considered to be one of the most painful conditions known to man. I am scared shitless of what my future holds. I'm already in constant pain and it's becoming unbearable. My mom tries to help every day, and my ctb would destroy her. Early on I mentioned it, and she told me she would never forgive me. The only reason I go on is for her, and because I don't know a sure-fire way of doing it yet. That's why I'm here on this site. If my mom didn't want me to live so desperately, I wouldn't want to live at all, not like this, in so much physical pain. I would trade emotional pain for this physical pain in a heartbeat. I've suffered from bipolar depression and dysphoric mania many times over, but it's nothing compared to this. I wish I had cancer instead, because at least there would be a foreseeable end to it.

My mom, although she means well, is inadvertently prolonging my suffering. I try to convey to her how unbearable it's becoming,without making her suspect my plans. The rest of my family means a great deal to me, but they don't check in on me. I want to live for them too. I have a great career, which I might lose anyway, but I have a lot to live for. That makes it all the more difficult to ctb.

I would never say that I wish I had no one who cared if I lived or died. That would be callous and unsympathetic. But I do wish my mom and family would let me go, and understand why I need to go. Unfortunately in our society, family members force us to live even when we are in so much pain that we feel the need to exit.

One of my friends, who suffered from mental illness caused by meth use when he was 13, attempted ctb by gasoline and fire. His mom put it out and made him live. He lived for 10 days, burned over 90% of his body, until he finally passed . I think it was cruel and selfish of her. In this case, her love for him was so "great" that she'd rather force him live the rest of his life like that than respect his intense need to ctb. This is a clear case of having someone love you too much to let you part from this world on your own terms.

Pains me to read that man, I think you answered above as well, I've had physical what felt like brain pain on minimal occasions and nearly knocked myself out with a kettlebell, it baffles me the depths that human suffering can get to, can our bodies give us a fucking break lol. Any pain, physical or mental (the brain so of course has the physical element) is a torture, I once had unreal shin splint pain from football when I was younger and was on the floor crying lol, I see where you're coming from. For sure I understand the cancer POV as I'm in the same boat, not only do you get that finality, but from me in a selfish way, you get a lot more sympathy, compassion and understanding from society as a whole. Mental illness is gradually getting more acknowledgement in developed nations(?) but is still stigmatised. I'm glad you've had a great career even though unfortunately you feel time is limited. For me personally, I maintain I wished nobody cared about me despite the incredulity of some here seeing that, so that there would be less trauma for my loved ones, even if they never ever knew me, so that their lives wouldn't be as affected as much. I care about myself, proud of everything I've managed to get through, that's enough for me. The pain only gets passed on which is a torture for us to take into a consideration, a torture some here can't seem to comprehend, we love these family members so much, they don't deserve to live with that shit, our daily pain becomes secondary so we continue.

'But I do wish my mom and family would let me go, and understand why I need to go.', such an important statement.

I understand your mum can't handle the guilt as she loves you so I don't want to judge her reasoning, but we think nothing of putting our dogs and cats out of their misery at the vet when they're in serial pain, it's seen as humane to give them that peace. Society is scared to consider this for us humans, understandably, death is final, who is anyone to say that someone needs to die, the power involved to take someone's life, even if we're begging for it it's dismissed and seen as temporary suffering that we don't truly mean or want. You can see the attitude to humans having the power of life and death in relation to prisoner death sentencing in the US getting phased out over time afaik(?), as it's seen as inhumane for a human to have that power over somebody else as society progresses, which I get. So here we are on this super taboo website that is getting attacked from all angles of mainstream media, understandably btw due to the nature of the site, there's plenty of stuff here that makes me sad and uncomfortable but we're all hurting and desperate people forced to consider rudimentary methods because our capacities to handle constant pain have become overwhelmed. Relieved SS has a Recovery section as well, believe the majority of us want each other to succeed in life and to not have to be here. Your poor friend should never have had to go to those lengths, may they RIP.

We desperately as a society need to have more of an open fucking discussion about this massive issue, those living with terminal pain. I constantly read posts here of people who come across as compassionate, intelligent, thoughtful, I guess sensitivity and dare I say wisdom develops from living years with pain. This website is so important, ironically it's keeping me and many others here as we feel there's a community out there of others in the same boat.

 

[beyonddone]

Makes no sense but I'm actually upset at this moment that the universe put me and my younger sister together, the two of us siblings, me her older brother in my mid 30s now, a tiring life of clinical depression and generalised anxiety. She means the world to me, and I'm actually upset right now that she does, she's very easy to love, a wonderful person. If it wasn't for her, I think I could peace out out of here. Not saying it would be easy either way. My 2 parents, who I live with, and who are supporting me...my mum has been tricky since childhood as she has exasperated a lot of the mental illness strongly through religion, christianity while growing up. She's much more understanding and expressing of love nowadays on the whole but is definitely experiencing some mental health issues of her own. My dad...a good man, has not always understood my situation, but his unconditional love has always been felt. I love them both, a lot. But for some fucking reason...I have this super close relationship with my younger sister. Why couldn't I have been indifferent, a person who didn't give a fuck, or was distant, it's against my nature, which is a curse.

I often search out, read, and watch videos regarding the last notes or feelings of suicide victims/survivors, how they felt others around them would be better off without them. Why can't I get these fucking feelings. Not saying my presence is of particular value to this world, but I know my family would not think that they're better off without me. I know they love me. For my parents, as much as I love them and likewise, I could possibly do it. But my relationship with my sister is completely different, it's almost a curse at this point. What the fuck. This life has taken advantage of my caring nature, I think a lot of us here are sensitive to the (often cruel) nature of this world and are 'good' people. We both have found ourselves together in the same family, and fucked me over by giving me something precious in this shitshow world. I'm not completely cynical, there's plenty of beauty in this world, for many to enjoy, but it can be extremely cruel as well for some of us who seem to have proved to be unlucky, a mutual sentiment shared unfortunately here, despite constantly trying to overcome. I'm not a defeatist person, I'm always trying to be positive, but I get knocked down continuously by my fucking brain, and this life. Why couldn't she have been unlikeable, or indifferent to me. I am relieved and grateful she doesn't have the same condition as me, and is doing well overall.

The other major fear of not committing for what it's worth, I used to have a much greater fear of hell and eternal damnation growing up as a strong christian, as consequence for those that commit suicide - the irony of a loving god condemning you to eternal fire for being in so much pain that you felt forced to take your own life to try and escape pain, being between a rock and a hard place to put it lightly. I still have a tiny but solid faith as pretty much agnostic, but really feel all the manifestations of pain and apparent spiritual experiences, 'revelations' and realisations as limited to my brain.

Others over the years have shown admiration for the relationship my sister and I have...for me, at this point, I can't believe it's almost become a curse. Would do anything for her, but she's inadvertently keeping me in this world. How could I devastate her. And so I carry on. She's the most valuable person to me, hopefully going to marry her boyfriend soon in the next few years, and have a family. Until I can find a way to exit without suicide. When you wish for cancer or a terminal disease, as bad and debilitating, painful, hopeless, cruel as it is, you know things are fucked. I'm sorry for those here who have this. Life can be so fleeting for some who deperately want to be here, would give mine in an instant.

I really fucking wish I had no-one. Truly. Really wish the immediate people in my life hated me, or were indifferent, or even were not super close. Isn't that crazy, it's become a curse. Not super popular, don't have many close friends nowadays. Have some good cousins, aunties and uncles. Unfortunately have a very close family member. I hope she never reads this.

Thanks for listening. Anyone in a similar situation?

I have no one on top of everything else and its absolutely horrible…
my "father" (who i have been living with for a few months since leaving my ex and the toxic relationship) recently met someone and now he told me i have to move out in 5 weeks… AND HE KNOWS THAT i literally have NO WHERE TO GO, but he just doesnt care.
&Long story with my "mother" but shes not in my life & hasnt been for years after the many disgusting letters she wrote me & sent in the mail, basically telling me i should kill myself.
I have absolutely no one. Maybe if i had someone to help me in this time of need, i wouldnt be on this site searching for the best, quickest, most effective way to end my life without putting myself in terrible pain.
The unimaginable pain is what got me here, so i really just wanna go to sleep and not wake up, but im open to do whatever gets it done at this point.

 

[releasefrompain]

I don't know what to do. My neurological pain is becoming unbearable, but if I ctb will it kill my mom. I seem to be damned either way. This is so hard for me to process.

 

[willitpass]

I have both ends of the spectrum. I was horribly abused by my mother growing up. Most of it was emotional abuse. Extreme emotional abuse. Amongst other horrible things. Living with her was so horrific that I every night before bed I would play out in my head an escape plan for what I would do to save me and my brother if she completely snapped one night and tried to kill us. I cut her out of my life a few years ago and it has been the most peace I've had in my life. But it hurts horribly. When people talk about having a loving mother it hurts. I've never known that and I never will know that. Every Christmas and birthday and life event that passes I wish more than anything I had a mother that was there to celebrate. I wish I had a mother to go to when things go wrong in my life. What Id give to have a mother to hug. But she is dead to me. I pray she is barred from my funeral. She hurt me so immensely that I sometimes sit there and wish she would die just so I can have the closure of knowing she can never hurt me again, even after having been no contact for years.

But my father and my siblings are amazing. They are the most loving family I could ask for. My dad fought for me tooth and nail when I was in and out of the hospital for years with my mental illnesses. I started feigning being in recovery years ago just to protect him from the pain of being sick. He deserves to sleep at night thinking I'm okay. My siblings have been there for me in their own ways as well. It kills me how much I've hurt them. And it kills me how much I will hurt them when I die. I stayed alive for them for years and years but I just don't have any fight left in me. I wish more than anything there was a way to not hurt them.

So for everyone attacking him saying that he should just be grateful and appreciative and maybe if he pulled his head out of his ass he would be happy: it's not that simple. I know both sides of the spectrum. I have both a loving family and a family who was everything but loving. Being loved and loving people is no match against crippling mental illness. An abusive family hurts, but at the same time I know that I feel no guilt towards how my death would impact my mom. I know that suicide is easier when you put it in the perspective of people who have hurt you because you have no emotional pull towards living. I don't think it's wrong to say that it's easier to let go when you aren't loved. It hurts more in life but is easier in death. Meanwhile a loving family is easier in life but hurts so much more in death knowing the carnage it will leave behind. It is such a convoluted thing to be loved when you are suicidal. No amount of "being grateful" for what you have will take away mental illness. If love could save them people with loving families wouldn't commit suicide. Plain and simple.

 

[killorbekilled]

To know love is to know pain. Those who know love know the pain of attachment and family. You can't miss familial love if you never had it :(