Did it

[sifp]

After being on this site for a year, I finally got to the point (hiding money, ups mailbox) where I've pulled the trigger on sn (B&M) and meto (shady online pharmacy). Now it's just the waiting game until these things arrive and seeing if I get busted somewhere along the line. I already have a lorazepam prescription so I think that covers it? I've had the desire to CTB for a year due to profound mental illness. It's degraded my cognition so totally that I didn't think I'd have the mental functioning to pull it all together. I'm not in the clear yet and I don't know if I have the heart to leave behind my family but I just wanted to throw this out there because I have nobody else to tell.

 

[MatiSendiri]

Good plan but imo not really planned perfectly.

You sure you want to ctb and not to vent?

 

[sifp]

I don't know. My mental illness has caused such a severe cognitive impairment that I don't know if life is worth living. It feels like I have end stage dimentia and I'm only 37. I have no executive functioning, my mind is blank all the time. No dreams. No memories. My memory is so bad that I have an hour long therapy appointment and leave with zero recollection of it. No emotions but terror with no object and crippling depression. Tried the whole medicine cabinet of pills psychiatry has thrown at me. A complete course of TMS. Psychedelics. Ketamine. Psyche ward. Support groups. Residential treatment. Partial hospitalization. Tens of thousands of dollars of therapy. I have the money to try anything but nothing has moved the needle even a milimeter. I suppose the only thing I haven't tried are MAOIs and ECT. But I just don't have the endurance to continue. I've been in this state for a year. Surviving minute by minute in this unreal state. Of feeling like nothing is real and having zero mental content. Can't talk.

I want to get better but I cannot. How is it not planned perfectly? I believe you, and the reason for poor planning is a 100 point IQ loss from... mental illness? Pills? IDK

 

[ZwartHartje]

That sounds really bad, but what has caused this condition? Did it start just out of nowhere, without any known cause? What is the official diagnosis?
I really hope something can still be done about it, wishing you all the best!

 

[sifp]

It happened slowly over the course of my teenage years I'm thinking as the result of a very dysfunctional childhood. No medical causes I'm aware of, so probably psychiatric. I managed to turn it around and cope through a very painful few years, but eventually ended up in a semi-functional life, independent, job, etc, but then in my late thirties it began to happen again slowly over the course of a year, and now it's the worst it's ever been. In the past year, the diagnoses I've gotten are depression, anxiety, OCD, and autism. I don't really know what to do about it. Like I said ECT is really the only thing I haven't tried (and MAOIs).

Thanks for your reply and kindness :)

If you're curious about my story, I laid it out here:

Introducing Myself and My Story

Hello everyone. I've been on this site for about a year but only got the courage to make an account a week ago. I thought I'd write my story about what led me here if anyone cares to read. I hope it's not too indulgent. It helps to write to try to figure out how I got here. And if one person...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[booplesnoot34]

I don't know. My mental illness has caused such a severe cognitive impairment that I don't know if life is worth living. It feels like I have end stage dimentia and I'm only 37. I have no executive functioning, my mind is blank all the time. No dreams. No memories. My memory is so bad that I have an hour long therapy appointment and leave with zero recollection of it. No emotions but terror with no object and crippling depression. Tried the whole medicine cabinet of pills psychiatry has thrown at me. A complete course of TMS. Psychedelics. Ketamine. Psyche ward. Support groups. Residential treatment. Partial hospitalization. Tens of thousands of dollars of therapy. I have the money to try anything but nothing has moved the needle even a milimeter. I suppose the only thing I haven't tried are MAOIs and ECT. But I just don't have the endurance to continue. I've been in this state for a year. Surviving minute by minute in this unreal state. Of feeling like nothing is real and having zero mental content. Can't talk.

I want to get better but I cannot. How is it not planned perfectly? I believe you, and the reason for poor planning is a 100 point IQ loss from... mental illness? Pills? IDK

Money for anything, you say? Bilateral cingulotomy. They burn off the parts of the brain that feel depression and other mental health conditions. Apparently very few side effects to other brain function.

 

[sifp]

Money for anything, you say? Bilateral cingulotomy. They burn off the parts of the brain that feel depression and other mental health conditions. Apparently very few side effects to other brain function.

Yes. That is on the table. Literally anything. The only thing stopping me is the cognitive issues have robbed me of the intelligence to figure it out.
The one reaction you received on your comment was a laughing face emoji. But I suspect you weren't joking and neither am I.
Would you say that the surgery is a better choice than ECT?

 

[booplesnoot34]

E

Yes. That is on the table. Literally anything. The only thing stopping me is the cognitive issues have robbed me of the intelligence to figure it out.
The one reaction you received on your comment was a laughing face emoji. But I suspect you weren't joking and neither am I.
Would you say that the surgery is a better choice than ECT?

ECT can cause memory loss and other things, but it is 85-95% effective. I'm pretty sure bilateral cingulotomy is 100% effective if done right. You need to look into it, though. The big thing is that you have to try ECT first before they'll do the surgery, unless you have a seizure disorder.