Did I fail my life compared to my first real love that rejected me

[martinso67]

I did met my first real love in a pizza restaurant when I was with my dad. The girl was the eldest daughter of my dad's friend.



After meeting her at the first date that went akward I did start to develop love for her.

We then clicked when we with my family meet at her flat. My family did get along very well with her parents. I as well and with her siblings.



When she did get on a family trip with us my parents in her heritage country. My mother did mention marriage and kids.She was 17 and I was 15 at that time. I said that I wanted to have 2 children when I am in my mid twenties. She shared the samr opinion. But I was not sure if that would work surely because of my chronic kidney disease that i inherited from my mum. That they when she heard she would experience having grandchildren she did start to defend me in front my girlfriend which she had very good relation with. They used to talk nearly daily with each other on the phone. My gf and I did sweat a lot after we have been at the beach. I liked her body odor, so I guess we are compatible compatible.



At the last night before my gf and her family departed. I did make her a surprise. I did gave her some roses and said i really loved her and she means the world to me. Her family was very happy., but she did get a little upset. I tried to talk with her about why she did get upset. But she did go away from me. She stopped really talking to me and ignored me most of the time.



Later I heard in my school from a good school mate that there is gossip and they made fun of me because I wanted to marry her. My gf thought that i wanted to propose to her that time where i made the surprise. With that she also rejected me and ignored me from now on.



I did experience a heart break for the first time and the last one till now. I could overcame my sad feelings after some time. I heard from her dad that she did go to the school career path that i recommended her. She also did get married when i was in my early 20s.
But me I did finish my IT education that was my dream. She seemed to have her life in order and is fullfilled.
I in my case learned from a doctor that i am for a high probability infertil because of many cysts in my balls that spread from my kidney disease.

I am now unemployed and see now real value in life. I fullfilled many goals and my big dream having a presence on the internet and studying IT. But i see now no sense to life. Life is for me useless I cannot have a family because of that health issues and my bad mental health that did improve only somewhat.
My gf's dad asked "and what will you do in life?" after he talked about his daughters accomplishments.
He seemed proud of her and I felt like a loser and deserved her rejection because I am useless.
I am now a NEET.
I cannot work with people in a company because it stresses me and also I am feeling low self-esteem because of what I talked about before.
I regred also not finding a way wearing my braces that caused me to not sleep when I wore them because of pain.

My teeth are now not positioned correctly and biting / chewing is hard.

My day dreaming is also the reason i do not take life seriously. I feel i have now real control over my life.

I wish I was a normie like my now ex-gf (that first love) or similar.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I'm so sorry that has happened to you; I've gone through similar feelings. I'll try and share my thoughts though and maybe help you out. If you're asking if you failed life then I believe you haven't. You're in control of your own life and nobody else only when you say yourself that you've failed - you've failed. I wish you all the best and much love to you. <3

 

[Venus13]

Almost everyone loses their first love. This standard wouldn't make much sense for judging failure or success in the human experience. It's a normal occurrence, especially when you're children.

It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though. Heartbreak is killer. The results of the paths have little to do with each other though. There's too many steps prior to meeting her and too many after.

 

[martinso67]

Thank you for your responses. <3 I appreciate and take your opinions into my heart.

I am over her and happy for her that she found the one and made the best of her life (finding her dream job/marrying).

Though i don't know what i should do in my life to earn a real living and stand on my own two feet. I still live with my parents and I earn a small amount of money to save up some and spend some on my own extra stuff.

My social anxiety and my maladaptive day dreaming and lack of long concentration stop me of coming up with a plan on how to earn money on the internet. I can't function in a company. Tried it two days and could not sleep at night. I had high blood pressure though i took medication for that. I also could not really be productive. I stopped going there because I did not find a medication that calmed me at that company to concentrate and allowed me to also sleep at night.

My dad is asking now for 6 years and did that today evening as well if I found a job. He is a pensioner and has some debt that he caused by buying useless stuff. He is right that I should do stuff with my life. But why can't he appreciate the small steps I am making to the right place. But now I am stucked.

Earning a real living on the internet would be possible as a freelancer on a freelance platform like upwork. I did do that. But now I don't know which type of software development work I should do. I also cant work more than 4 hours a day. I also cannot legally work as a freelancer without creating a company which is not possible for me by working from home

Thought of leaving my country and doing that as a tourist or in some country that does not make that stuff difficult. I am brainstorming and thinking of ideas.

I need this as an outlet for my feelings and thoughts that distract me from living my life. I have no one to talked to deeply about my problems.