Did childhood abuse have an impact on your decision to CTB?

[dogemn]

Did you suffer from childhood abuse and dealing with its long-lasting effects?

 

[alonely]

Yes, but indirectly in the sense that I fought so hard to make it out of my situation and be completely independent, only to be beaten down by life because the trauma caused me to not know how to live or love or be happy in the world. I thought that I had simply needed to escape the trauma to move on with my life, but the side effects have made my adult years full of suffering. The trauma very negatively affects all of my interactions with other people.

 

[willitpass]

Yes. I truly believe it I hadn't been abused I would have only been mildly mentally ill, I think it's the trauma from the abuse that turned it all into severe depression and suicidality.

 

[leavingsoon99]

Absolutely. My mother, her boyfriends, my siblings, and school kids all destroyed my confidence in myself. It seems like, no matter where I go... to this day... I'm the enemy. I don't know what I do, what I did, or why. At this point, I don't care anymore. Plus, I was sexually molested by one of my mother's boyfriends. That messed me up big time. You kind of never get over that.

 

[TDF]

Yes, but indirectly in the sense that I fought so hard to make it out of my situation and be completely independent, only to be beaten down by life because the trauma caused me to not know how to live or love or be happy in the world. I thought that I had simply needed to escape the trauma to move on with my life, but the side effects have made my adult years full of suffering. The trauma very negatively affects all of my interactions with other people.

I empathise with this. I just put my head down and lived through my childhood, resolving my own problems, went on the college etc etc. but really I think my childhood or lack of it really affected my adult interactions with people in way that I really didn't realise how deep the problem was until much later, like how insecure attachment affects people, or abandonment affects people

 

[hag]

Childhood abuse 100%. Inescapable damage.

 

[NambaSutra]

It's possible but I don't remember it. I just know I was always scared of my dad. He was a weird man, very intellectual, but low on empathy.

 

[sometimes.sometimes]

Yes, it does. It is hard to live with the guilt of burning down a lot of relationships when I spoke out about what happened to me. I know it's not my fault, but I just feel so guilty.

 

[bluevelvettears]

Did you suffer from childhood abuse and dealing with its long-lasting effects?

My mom Hits me sometimes when she's very stressed and I talk back to her .. sometimes it gets so bad I need to lock myself into the bathroom and I cry there for a while

 

[Asingletwig]

Its a major reason why im here, the best is that they dont even think they did anything wrong.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sure indirectly it has had some impact on my decision to CTB, but as far as it being the main driving force towards my CTB, it isn't, but many other factors as well as the current state of life and existence itself.

 

[animetal]

Yes honestly I most likely would not want to ctb if all the stuff that happened didn't happen like it did . The abuse that I had gone through from ages 13 to 17 was too much for my brain to handle to the point where I'm constantly dissociating 24/7 . I don't think no amount of therapy can fix me. It really messed up my brain and now I have All these mental issues that I have to deal with and not only that if affected how I view life and it affected my relationship. I feel like I can't be a normal person now or ever live a normal life because of it. Not only that but I thought I had healed just to see my abuser and it just killed me inside . I feel bad for not speaking up about it but I was really scared and just didn't understand what was happening to me , caused me to lie to my whole family. I feel I don't really know who I truly am because I feel my mind got stunted to when it all happened . I feel so left behind from all my peers . And my mom makes things worst saying I never want to grow up and that I act like a child still ( mind you I am autistic ) and I'm honestly I just have. A hard time understanding what it even means to be An adult . I know my mom tried her best but I felt a bit neglected because she never really taught me this to properly clean myself or take care of myself and then gets upset at me for not knowing what ti do as an adult . I feel like I was cheated out of a normal life . I'm constantly splitting on my self (quiet bpd ) and now because of all of the trauma and oretty much living a whole different life in my head For years I just don't know what to do with myself now . I genuinely feel lost and I wanted to grow so much as a person and it makes me sad . It's like I will never be able take scape my trauma . The only way is ctb I feel so closed off like im not free to express and be myself I just want ti live another life or be something else I don't want to be me :(
I did not mean to write a whole essay I just feel really sad and I'll be ctb next week most likely :(

 

[MrDarkness]

I wasn't abused, I was more of less neglected, nature vs nurture, is the theory is that a child personality is formed on the environment they are born in. My dad spent all his time playing on his Xbox, he never wanted kids, my mom had cancer early on, so I was left alone, the internet was my only friend, I was bullied, I've never been in a relationship, I'm 18 sure I'm young ik. I can't feel loved. It is impossible for me to feel love

 

[deomlez]

I was sa and abused but I can t remember it, i have only the proof of it (for sa). The worst is that the reason why he did this was the empowerment upon my mother and not for pleasure (but perhaps it s always for this reason that these assholes do that ?) : make her suffering, destroying what she loved. I was nothing. 1st I was 5, to 14.
sa.ing a child is the worst thing that could happen. You cannot recover from that, just miserabily live with it but one day, it comes back to delete you on a way or another.
Not the only reason but a strong reason to ctb.

 

[animetal]

I was sa and abused but I can t remember it, i have only the proof of it (for sa). The worst is that the reason why he did this was the empowerment upon my mother and not for pleasure (but perhaps it s always for this reason that these assholes do that ?) : make her suffering, destroying what she loved. I was nothing. 1st I was 5, to 14.
sa.ing a child is the worst thing that could happen. You cannot recover from that, just miserabily live with it but one day, it comes back to delete you on a way or another.
Not the only reason but a strong reason to ctb.

I relate it's really hard to recover from things like this especially when it goes on for so long :/

 

[delusionalgirl]

Yes. It Is essentially. I blocked most of my childhood out. Eventually I would get flashbacks. I already didn't trust therapist. I was given depression and anxiety diagnosis by gp. General meds. Eventually at 40 diagnosed with ptsd. Still not really treated for various reason. Eventually started shutting down and spirally to an eventual early on set dementia. I knew it could happen but not this soon. Everything left untreated, not truly talked about, not well anything.

 

[wristcutangel]

Almost definitely. I doubt I would've ended up this badly if not for my parents.

 

[dialogos]

was abused as a child. i was so miserable being forced to be conscious and self aware at an early age because of physical pain. yes i did forgive but the consequences are still there. broke my spirit, made me cowardly maybe even stupid due to naivety. was isolated so much i didnt know how to socialize. so much more. i realized i was born miserable, born to misery, etc all no choices of mine. its a miracle im still alive. i made it my choice not to die miserably.

 

[Petrichor]

Most definitely. But I feel so guilty wanting to ctb because my abuser, my dad, is trying his best to be better for me despite him being just as mentally unwell and depressed as I am. He's both part of why I want to and part of why I'm doubting to go through with it.

 

[deomlez]

i made it my choice not to die miserably.

After that, who can say that we are cowards if we suicide ?
Huge respect for your head up. You are not alone.

 

[Death is my goal]

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