Long self absorbed rant incoming...
If I had just made one or two decisions differently my life wouldve been so different, so perfect and beautiful. At one point I was envied by many in my milieu, but not anymore. I couldn't see it at the time though. Couldn't really see the blessings, and I messed it up by being so hard on myself which caused burnout and fatigue, and not giving myself what I really wanted, then meeting people who abused or exploited me, and neglected the care of my body and my mind, so that I continued to do very poorly academically and then workwise. I was told social anxiety would just go away. It didn't. Its sad because now looking back, I couldve had all the things that I didn't believe I was good enough to have. Family would tell me how amazing I am but I never really believed them.
Everyday I ruminate about what that life wouldve been like. The dreams I had at that time were screaming at me to get what I wanted and I couldve easily done it. And they haunt me now. If I'd made that one decision then by now I would've been the envy of the world and of everyone in my milieu at the time. Most of the world wouldve killed to have the opportunities and experiences that I couldve had. I would've been a successful man drenched in pleasure and vigour at the apex of the world. And I keep remembering my dreams and the euphoria that video games gave me...And they remind me of what my destiny was. It was to be in that most enviable position. And I did not achieve that even though it was within reach.
Its like my mind was in a fog. I had the very unlikely chance to do psychedelics with someone and wish that I'd seized it at that time. Because people often say that it uncovers childhood trauma they've been repressing that needs to be processed, and that the psychedelics show them what they need to do when theyre confused and in a daze and unhapppy, and they even cure addictions which in my case I had and still have that held me back.
What I needed to do wasn't that complicated. I needed to care for my body and mind, nourish them, give them what they wanted. I needed to follow our ancestors, the hunter gatherers that we are, that our bodies and brains are evolved to be, who lived for 95 to 99% of our species' history. And all that entails is exercise, diet, sunlight, nature, close social relations, attending to your body and its care, giving yourself what your brain is crying out for in your dreams which in my case was being in a certain place, a place where I felt comfortable and that was beautiful and perfect, but which I avoided in part due to social anxiety, in part due to fear...So much fear and anxiety and avoidance in my life, so much hatred of change.
Instead of healing, insyesd of giving myself happiness andsuccess, I added to my trauma and continued repressing it, and here I am now, and now it's physical thanks to one antidepressant pill...
If I had just made one or two decisions differently my life wouldve been so different, so perfect and beautiful. At one point I was envied by many in my milieu, but not anymore. I couldn't see it at the time though. Couldn't really see the blessings, and I messed it up by being so hard on myself which caused burnout and fatigue, and not giving myself what I really wanted, then meeting people who abused or exploited me, and neglected the care of my body and my mind, so that I continued to do very poorly academically and then workwise. I was told social anxiety would just go away. It didn't. Its sad because now looking back, I couldve had all the things that I didn't believe I was good enough to have. Family would tell me how amazing I am but I never really believed them.
Everyday I ruminate about what that life wouldve been like. The dreams I had at that time were screaming at me to get what I wanted and I couldve easily done it. And they haunt me now. If I'd made that one decision then by now I would've been the envy of the world and of everyone in my milieu at the time. Most of the world wouldve killed to have the opportunities and experiences that I couldve had. I would've been a successful man drenched in pleasure and vigour at the apex of the world. And I keep remembering my dreams and the euphoria that video games gave me...And they remind me of what my destiny was. It was to be in that most enviable position. And I did not achieve that even though it was within reach.
Its like my mind was in a fog. I had the very unlikely chance to do psychedelics with someone and wish that I'd seized it at that time. Because people often say that it uncovers childhood trauma they've been repressing that needs to be processed, and that the psychedelics show them what they need to do when theyre confused and in a daze and unhapppy, and they even cure addictions which in my case I had and still have that held me back.
What I needed to do wasn't that complicated. I needed to care for my body and mind, nourish them, give them what they wanted. I needed to follow our ancestors, the hunter gatherers that we are, that our bodies and brains are evolved to be, who lived for 95 to 99% of our species' history. And all that entails is exercise, diet, sunlight, nature, close social relations, attending to your body and its care, giving yourself what your brain is crying out for in your dreams which in my case was being in a certain place, a place where I felt comfortable and that was beautiful and perfect, but which I avoided in part due to social anxiety, in part due to fear...So much fear and anxiety and avoidance in my life, so much hatred of change.
Instead of healing, insyesd of giving myself happiness andsuccess, I added to my trauma and continued repressing it, and here I am now, and now it's physical thanks to one antidepressant pill...
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