Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Did things today. Mostly was too fucking deflated or depressed to enjoy anything. As usual my fucking Dad just insulted me while down. What's new.
Im sick of life and living. Met with therapist & somehow just made me feel more angry. Alluded to contemplating jumping off a bridge and got too pissed and left the appt abruptly. I wanted her to comfirm she wasn't going to call a stupid fucking welfare check.
Haven't heard back email wise but I needa just be able to get into some music, a book and lie under my weighted blanket and cool off.
I entered the appt mostly crying but left pissed off bc I'm so sick of trying to be shown the good & "possible" like yeah sure but when I feel like this it doesn't matter much.
Jumping off a bridge feels like a great fucking option.
I've been drinking occasionally & today is one of em and the most intoxicated I've felt in awhile. Maybe combo if cannabis capsules, empty stomach & vodka slushie drinks. ldgaf tho. Just want the cannabis capsules to hit & my body & mind to relax a little and feel less fucking angry about the shit in my life.
Read some smut or whatever and sleep. But she hasn't answered the email so I'll give it another I dunno 15 mins and put on my headphones to zone out completely.
Im fucking aware alcohol isn't helpful. Im not at that point of concern and it effects me oddly. I always feel more energized & never have hangovers. Not saying its helping jus saying I'm aware of the risks and whatever.
Honestly this world is poison. Even wanting to disappear isn't enough anymore. I want to just be gone rn.
Ugh I'd do anything to die rn. I bet I could combine meds and im curious if my bathtub would be enough to drown. Probs fucking not and soon I'll pee out most of the alcohol and be sober anyway.
It's just so fucking hard navigating this world in this body & mind. Its so fucking hard to stay positive & to keep wanting to live. To keep seeing this as worth it.
Its 5 mins to 9pm. She didn't reply but should be in the clear. Good fucking night. Actually sleepy for once too. Ugh.
Editing post. 5 after 9pm. Night.
Tmrw... is the PSW coordinator appt. My worker is coming to hemp with the appt bc 2 weeks ago I was too sick for the appt. Now I'm too over feeling life but not gonna cancel or whatever and see how I feel tmrw. But this is my life. Important things always at risk or on the wrong fucking health day. Like why do I bother at all.
Losing my reasons even in moments as im gaining them.
My therapist answered saying see ya Friday. Fuck that I don't want to meet. Meet for what? Reach out for fucking what?
For fucking nothing. It's a waste of fucking time.
As of rn I don't feel like having my worker come to help set up my new bed even though my current one is fucking awful. Rn I don't feel like meeting with the anyone or the PSW coordinator.
Rn I feel like ripping into every inch of my arms and upper body until im nothing but a bleeding wound.
But rn I'm going to listen to music. Let myself drown out to music. Get as drunk as I can & sleep. Read maybe. When im hungry I'll drink soda. Maybe eat cereal but otherwise not in the mood.
My friend messaged me about a problem he's having starting with "I dunno if you'll get to this but" which oddly but not really grounded me a lil.... Will maybe respond tonight if I feel I have the capcity to do so with the necessary sensitivity.
Typing this is pointless. No one on here gives 2 fucks about me and this will just be ignored.
Im sick of life and living. Met with therapist & somehow just made me feel more angry. Alluded to contemplating jumping off a bridge and got too pissed and left the appt abruptly. I wanted her to comfirm she wasn't going to call a stupid fucking welfare check.
Haven't heard back email wise but I needa just be able to get into some music, a book and lie under my weighted blanket and cool off.
I entered the appt mostly crying but left pissed off bc I'm so sick of trying to be shown the good & "possible" like yeah sure but when I feel like this it doesn't matter much.
Jumping off a bridge feels like a great fucking option.
I've been drinking occasionally & today is one of em and the most intoxicated I've felt in awhile. Maybe combo if cannabis capsules, empty stomach & vodka slushie drinks. ldgaf tho. Just want the cannabis capsules to hit & my body & mind to relax a little and feel less fucking angry about the shit in my life.
Read some smut or whatever and sleep. But she hasn't answered the email so I'll give it another I dunno 15 mins and put on my headphones to zone out completely.
Im fucking aware alcohol isn't helpful. Im not at that point of concern and it effects me oddly. I always feel more energized & never have hangovers. Not saying its helping jus saying I'm aware of the risks and whatever.
Honestly this world is poison. Even wanting to disappear isn't enough anymore. I want to just be gone rn.
Ugh I'd do anything to die rn. I bet I could combine meds and im curious if my bathtub would be enough to drown. Probs fucking not and soon I'll pee out most of the alcohol and be sober anyway.
It's just so fucking hard navigating this world in this body & mind. Its so fucking hard to stay positive & to keep wanting to live. To keep seeing this as worth it.
Its 5 mins to 9pm. She didn't reply but should be in the clear. Good fucking night. Actually sleepy for once too. Ugh.
Editing post. 5 after 9pm. Night.
Tmrw... is the PSW coordinator appt. My worker is coming to hemp with the appt bc 2 weeks ago I was too sick for the appt. Now I'm too over feeling life but not gonna cancel or whatever and see how I feel tmrw. But this is my life. Important things always at risk or on the wrong fucking health day. Like why do I bother at all.
Losing my reasons even in moments as im gaining them.
My therapist answered saying see ya Friday. Fuck that I don't want to meet. Meet for what? Reach out for fucking what?
For fucking nothing. It's a waste of fucking time.
As of rn I don't feel like having my worker come to help set up my new bed even though my current one is fucking awful. Rn I don't feel like meeting with the anyone or the PSW coordinator.
Rn I feel like ripping into every inch of my arms and upper body until im nothing but a bleeding wound.
But rn I'm going to listen to music. Let myself drown out to music. Get as drunk as I can & sleep. Read maybe. When im hungry I'll drink soda. Maybe eat cereal but otherwise not in the mood.
My friend messaged me about a problem he's having starting with "I dunno if you'll get to this but" which oddly but not really grounded me a lil.... Will maybe respond tonight if I feel I have the capcity to do so with the necessary sensitivity.
Typing this is pointless. No one on here gives 2 fucks about me and this will just be ignored.
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