Yeah, all those things are so momentary, whether it's laughing or smiling, they feel kinda robotic to me, not necessarily forced but very similar to that.
Same, it seems pointless even because i know that the void will be back soon, can't really enjoy happiness totally like i should. It's kinda weird but i'm still focused on CTB.
The question is how much is already broken? What brought you to this point? You seem to be so close to CTB? Just one party or a few nice hours with friends won't change your "basic setting" or won't make you reconsider your decision.
Ah i already gave up all hope i had of a bright future. It's really broken and messy inside of me, and i don't wanna fix it, seems easier to just throw it all away. A lot of heartbreaks took me here and i'm stuck in a impasse. I would only feel complete with a soulmate, but at the same time, i can't put all of my existence on their shoulders. It's unfair and not something i feel like i can solve. I can't be happy alone and won't be happy depending on someone else. It's seems like the most logical course of action is CTB and hoping i can reborn in a new, happy life.
