Help Desperate

[Relief]

i want to wait until the 9th to kill myself but i'm scared that i won't be able to physically do it. i don't know how strong my body is. in your experience how hard is the physical barrier? I can't bare the thought of not being able to kill it. I'm on my 5th cycle of binging/purging. My mouth is bleeding, my throat is swollen, my eyes are red and i am numb.

 

[MeltingHeart]

i want to wait until the 9th to kill myself but i'm scared that i won't be able to physically do it. i don't know how strong my body is. in your experience how hard is the physical barrier? I can't bare the thought of not being able to kill it. I'm on my 5th cycle of binging/purging. My mouth is bleeding, my throat is swollen, my eyes are red and i am numb.

do you mean psychological barrier? do you have bulimia?

 

[Relief]

do you mean psychological barrier? do you have bulimia?

no, i mean the actual physical barrier. As in, it's not as easy as i thought to kill a human body. I'm not sure i will be able to do it with just a rope, perhaps i'm wrong?
i've had anorexia, binge eating and now bulimias yes. Not fun. i'm starting to get stretch marks around my mouth from constant purging.

 

[MeltingHeart]

no, i mean the actual physical barrier. As in, it's not as easy as i thought to kill a human body. I'm not sure i will be able to do it with just a rope, perhaps i'm wrong?
i've had anorexia, binge eating and now bulimias yes. Not fun. i'm starting to get stretch marks around my mouth from constant purging.

yes i agree, both physical & emotional barriers are strong- its hard- kind of crazy how resilient human body can be when you want to end it-but some people lose their life so easily/ accidently-when they dont want to ! it s a real tragedy of human existance when u think about. I can relate - i had many eating problems in younger years - kind of got over it -but they were always there. im sorry .

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Eating disorders fucking suck. I'm a binge eater who has struggled with weight, body image and sometimes binging all my life.... Are you sure you want to die or just a solution for the purging? I know it can be some frustrating and feeling like we have no strength ---- its awful....... Survival instinct works against even your greatest anguish, although when a person is determined --- they will follow through- But maybe think about what it is you really want? And what is the best way to get it?

 

[Avery Jordan]

Sounds like you need to go to a hospital.

 

[Relief]

Eating disorders fucking suck. I'm a binge eater who has struggled with weight, body image and sometimes binging all my life.... Are you sure you want to die or just a solution for the purging? I know it can be some frustrating and feeling like we have no strength ---- its awful....... Survival instinct works against even your greatest anguish, although when a person is determined --- they will follow through- But maybe think about what it is you really want? And what is the best way to get it?

Although my (multiple) eating disorders play a huge role in my day to day they are not the reason why i want to die. They are a consequence of why i want to ctb. I' schizoid so i can't (nor want which bothers me even more) build relationships with anyone. Even though i have a huge fear of getting fatter i binge FOR the purge. The physical pain makes me more centered and than you have a huge relief when everything comes out (even though the day after is horrible). My episodes can take up to 6 hours. I (quite literally) have nothing to do all day long because nothing interests me enough (apart from going to the gym but with eating disorders the line gets blurry). i wish that was the case though... i just don't value life that much. Regardless if there is another dimension or nothing at all, i truly believe it will be better than what i'm going through here.

Sounds like you need to go to a hospital.

i did... had to get my stomach pumped. The gastrointestinal liquid was burning my intestines.