Xunnsu

Xunnsu

Member
Apr 22, 2020
29
Is there anything stopping you from trying to meet someone through social activities or online? Other than covid19? I personally had crippling anxiety for a long time. People just thought I was likely gay for a long time. I even had a girl make a snarky comment about me being gay, due to apparent rumors.
 
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terry_a_davis

terry_a_davis

Warlock
Dec 28, 2019
707
This thread shows there are females out there too that can't always find someone. I know irl females in the same situation.
OP most of us get rejected at some point and it can be hard but don't give up, chances are you'll meet someone eventually if u keep trying.
 
gnomeboy17

gnomeboy17

Specialist
Feb 11, 2020
355
Yep I get this! I am very scared though because I am gay and trans, so I'm worried I'll never have a normal life ...
 
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Sabriel

Sabriel

for in that sleep of death what dreams may come
Jul 23, 2019
209
I think that this is completely naive and you're going to open yourself up to a world of pain if you keep thinking in these terms.

That is exactly what I used to tell myself, that everything was going to be better and I'd have a reason to live if only I could be in a relationship. I dated the first person who was even remotely nice to me and from that point on I let myself be treated like I was worthless because I was so desperate to be loved. I endured years of sexual and physical abuse (not to mention severe emotional abuse but somehow that doesn't seem to register as real to some people) and it left me feeling like I didn't even have a soul anymore. It took years upon years of therapy and listening to abuse stories for me to finally realize I'd had enough.

I don't mean to only catastrophize. There is absolutely hope for you to find a healthy relationship and feel the joy in having another's company. Just please don't be too desperate in finding just anybody...like others have said you could try out dating apps and light socializing. But maybe don't go into it focusing on finding someone to live for, time is running out, lose virginity etc etc etc. Let it be casual, if it happens, then it should happen in good time and with the right person.

Remember to let the right one in, and that you're as worthy of love as anyone else.
 
W

Walilamdzi

.
Mar 21, 2019
1,700
I think that looking for a relationship to solve problems will just lead to a toxic and codependent relationship.
 
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HorribleFeelings1

HorribleFeelings1

Its a hard knock life
Jan 18, 2020
321
I never had a boyfriend and still a virgin.
Seeing couples holding hands together in public when i used to shopping , hearing couples moving in together like adults etc.

It kills me because want someone to love me like that, take an interest in my life etc

If i had a boyfriend it would make me a better person and give me something to live for.

A relationship means i will never be lonely again, my self esteem will improve and can have more fun.
You probably already have a lot of DMs from guys
:pfff:
but seriously be cautious who you talk to here, people here can be sketchy and suspicious with evil intent, and some may not be but just know it isn't best to use SS as a dating site, that's if you try to search for someone here. Two people who joined SS who aren't mentally fine shouldn't date, it may not end so well
 
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Oyoy

Oyoy

Spatula
Feb 2, 2020
741
I hope you embrace being a virgin. You can make someone the luckiest man alive. The comedian Tina Fay only slept with her husband and didn't date in collage and her life is awesome right now. Everyone else is an easy slut. I would be proud to.be you.
 
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_Minsk

_Minsk

death: the cure for life
Dec 9, 2019
1,111
I never had a boyfriend and still a virgin.
Seeing couples holding hands together in public when i used to shopping , hearing couples moving in together like adults etc.

It kills me because want someone to love me like that, take an interest in my life etc

If i had a boyfriend it would make me a better person and give me something to live for.

A relationship means i will never be lonely again, my self esteem will improve and can have more fun.

i think there is nothing wrong about wanting to be in a romantic relationship, its a fundamental need to desire love and intimate connection..

i can agree on what you wrote, having a relationship can be a blessing, especially if there is a connection.
being in love feels like being high for most of us i guess, which indeed might improve your depression and has many benefits.
the only roadblock is not many people are interested in investing into a partner who is emotional unstable,
its sad but thats the conclusion i came to, especially if they never experienced depression or suicidality them self.

im not trying to scare you, i believe its still possible to have a long and happy relationship even when youre depressed,
or even suicidal, you just have to find a similar person dealing with the same issues, who is looking for the same things as you..
 
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K

Khyber

Member
Apr 6, 2020
31
You probably already have a lot of DMs from guys
:pfff:
but seriously be cautious who you talk to here, people here can be sketchy and suspicious with evil intent, and some may not be but just know it isn't best to use SS as a dating site, that's if you try to search for someone here. Two people who joined SS who aren't mentally fine shouldn't date, it may not end so well

Completely agree. You need to look after your own wellbeing Firefox, particularly if you're talking to people online and through dating apps.

I've got very little self esteem along with depression etc. and I've always had this need to be desired by the opposite sex, which has caused me loads more issues and my need is never met.

I go through stages of using Tinder to try to feel better about myself but at the end of it I always feel worse. For me, online dating is just a looks contest where there's all these beautiful women who I just want to fancy me. As you can prob guess most of them don't and then I feel like shit. I did get a few matches and spoke to different girls. However, I'd ditch people in a shot when I got talking to someone else who I thought was better looking, and I'm sure girls did the same to me too. The problem with that is there's always someone better looking unless you're a 10. It's so dangerous for people with poor mental health. I hated the way people treated me on it and how I treated others.

I should add that I'm married to an amazing woman who deserves a lot better than me. Not only was I lying to my wife, but I was lying to any potential woman that I'd get talking to online.

It must be so hard for people nowadays trying to meet genuine people through dating apps. I grew up before the social media boom which must have been so much easier.

Just a suggestion but you could try to focus on increasing your own self esteem first and maybe the relationship will follow. I dont know what you're into but maybe join a gym or some exercise class. It does help me to feel abit better about myself when I'm going regularly and I've lost a bit of weight, plus it releases endorphins and there's the potential to meet someone. Obvs it's difficult to do now with lockdown. However, if you've never really exercised or would be anxious about starting, now is the perfect time to build a base level of fitness using YouTube videos and home work outs.

Ps. I've had 2 friends who've had serious relationships from Tinder, one of them even married the girl. The guy paid the subscription fee and said it was a lot better than using the free version so that could also be worth a try.
 
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E

Epsilon0

Enlightened
Dec 28, 2019
1,874
People here have written sensible comments about the importance of not viewing a relationship as a cure of any sort.

I agree with them, but I suspect that since you long for a boyfriend so much, you will probably need to experience what it's like to be in a relationship, before you can embark on a journey of self-discovery. Being with someone will help you know yourself in ways that being single cannot.

I think you are like most humans who want something badly. You might need to experience it, so you can stop obsessing about it and "get it out of your system" so to say.

Who knows? Maybe you get lucky and find love. I wish you all the best.

But please listen to the comments above and don't think for a second that this forum is a suitable place to find a boyfriend.
 
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dibbydoo

dibbydoo

LightheWorld!*
Apr 20, 2020
42
I never had a boyfriend and still a virgin.
Seeing couples holding hands together in public when i used to shopping , hearing couples moving in together like adults etc.

It kills me because want someone to love me like that, take an interest in my life etc

If i had a boyfriend it would make me a better person and give me something to live for.

A relationship means i will never be lonely again, my self esteem will improve and can have more fun.
Hi Firefox!

The secret is not to go looking for one.

I promise you, that when you are ready He will come for you! So, in the meantime become the best you can be, take care of yourself so when the opportunity arrives you will be ready!

Words have immense power, so begin to speak out loud 'affirmations' - you may feel silly, but who cares if it works right!

"I use today to become the best that I can be"

"I am Loved"

"I will have a boyfriend when I'm ready, & he will find me"

Stay Positive, BIG HUGS!

:hug: :heart:
 
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NothingElseMatters

NothingElseMatters

Warlock
Mar 30, 2020
745
I'm a 30 year old male and I'm alone as well. It's so sad and I'm feeling more alone due to that covid quarantine shit.
 
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ZardozOmega

ZardozOmega

Narcissist Gay NEET-cel
Mar 4, 2020
718
Me too. I'm too ugly and mentally unstable for relationships. Still, it would be good to have someone
 
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Z

zubruwka

New Member
Mar 25, 2020
2
I am lonely but sometimes I think it's my fault, everytime when there is somebody in my life I push them away because I cant trust anyone and I'm scared that they will deceive me and I will end in much worse place than I am now
Maybe because there are thoughts like why would somebody want to be in a relationship with me, they probably just want something
 
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Pryras

Pryras

Last hope
Feb 11, 2020
519
I was extremely lonely even with a boyfriend. Trust me dating isn't the be all end all. If you have a healthy relationship with someone who loves you it can be great, no doubt about that. However, you need to learn to be independent first so that you don't depend on anyone or NEED anyone. Someone to share your life with but not be the sole purpose for it.


I'm turning 23 and only dated 1 guy when I was 20 for 2 years. Before then, I always wanted a bf and when I got one I wasn't so sure it was what I wanted. Broke things off and it was tough being lonely but I'm comfortable being single.
 
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waterbottleman

waterbottleman

Not a person
Sep 30, 2019
721
People here have written sensible comments about the importance of not viewing a relationship as a cure of any sort.

I agree with them, but I suspect that since you long for a boyfriend so much, you will probably need to experience what it's like to be in a relationship, before you can embark on a journey of self-discovery. Being with someone will help you know yourself in ways that being single cannot.

I think you are like most humans who want something badly. You might need to experience it, so you can stop obsessing about it and "get it out of your system" so to say.

Who knows? Maybe you get lucky and find love. I wish you all the best.

But please listen to the comments above and don't think for a second that this forum is a suitable place to find a boyfriend.

This is exactly what I was thinking but was unable to say concisely.

People can say something that is absolutely true, but if you're a person who has never experienced something and craves it really badly it doesn't really help that much when people down play it and say it isn't as great as it is portrayed. You're not going to be satisfied until you actually experience it yourself.

I didn't lose my virginity until 29 (I'm 29 right now) and for a long time I remember hearing people say stuff like "sex isn't everything" "have patience and the right girl will come along."

I got sick of my virginity and tired of never experiencing sex so I decided screw it, I bought a ticket to a place where prostitution is legal and I lost my virginity to a prostitute then had sex with a few other sex workers during the vacation.

This decision isn't for everyone, but I'm really glad that I did this. Ever since I've come home from that trip I don't obsess about my virginity (cause I'm not one anymore) and I don't obsess about the lack of sex in my life anymore. The fact that I was able to experience it was enough for me to take sex off of a pedestal and not obsess about it anymore. Also I don't feel as alienated from people anymore. Honestly it was a huge relief for me to just be able to experience sex.

I'm not advocating OP to visit a sex worker, what I am saying is that I totally understand the OPs perspective if she is tired of waiting and just wants to experience what it is like to be in a relationship. being told all these things about the negatives of being in a relationship, while it may be true, she may not care either because experiencing something is better than nothing at all.
 
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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
Jan 11, 2020
6,727
I think envy and jealousy may keep you from seeing the whole picture. You want something that others have, and you compare yourself negatively to them because you don't have what they do.

People tend to find others attractive because of what they have. They don't seek someone who is lacking in order to give them what they don't have. The most amorous attention I've gotten has been when I've felt the best about myself and been confident. There are also some who are attracted to such things because they want to feed from it or diminish it, so it's not a guarantee that mutual attraction is going to lead to mutual fulfillment, but it's easier to recover from such things if one is confident in who they are and likes themselves.

Imagine a guy being attracted to you who feels like crap about himself and wants you to help him find his identity. It's an instant drain. And you can't help him find what he can't find for himself. So you may get frustrated and leave him, which is self-preserving, or you become co-dependent and spend all your resources trying to build him up, but it won't work because he doesn't have the necessary foundation, and he ends up resenting you for not fixing him and you resent him for not being fixable. Now turn that around to you being the one in need, and you can maybe see how it's likely to end up with you feeling even worse than when you started.

Back to the jealousy and envy. I would suggest studying the people who have what you want. Ask them questions about what their relationships are really like, and if they feel as fulfilled as you imagine they do. Ask them what they give up as well as what they get to have those things. Ask them how they feel about themselves - are they as confident as they appear? Are they truly satisfied, or do they also long for things they don't have? Do they feel like they have a firm grip on being an adult, on being successful, on being in a relationship, or do they also struggle, doubt, and feel inadequate? If they are confident and fulfilled, why? If they were to lose their relationship or their job, would they have the internal and external support to manage?

I think it's great that you asked guys out. Yes, you got rejected, but you can use that as a learning experience before trying again. What did you observe about them, about you? What were their responses, and were the responses reflective of you or of them? If they were reflective of you, what can you learn from it that helps you to improve your strategies ather than feel diminished? If it was about them, what does that reveal about what you would do best to avoid in future romantic interests?

A final thought. I recall when I was in my teens and early twenties, I said horrible things about myself and hated myself. Enough people pointed it out to me that I decided to change it. I started to like the things about myself that were different from others, and I praised myself rather than condemning myself. My attitude toward myself shifted, I began to enjoy who I am, and others were happier to be around me. I embraced my weirdness and many people seemed to enjoy it because I enjoyed it, and if I was in a relationship that drained me, with someone who didn't appreciate me, I was better able to recover because I had created a foundation of self-acceptance and self-worth. If someone knocked me down for liking myself, it was a reflection of their lack, not a reflection of me. Someone who knocks others down needs that power because they feel weak and use the experiences to make themselves feel stronger and validated - those are people to stay away from. If you learn to like yourself, especially as you can't be anyone but yourself anyway, then you will be attracted to yourself, and others will naturally follow suit without you having to try. It may seem like this is a huge task to undertake, but it's not a task when you're enjoying liking yourself and getting benefits from it. When it's focused on earning something from others, then it is indeed a task, and the goal is external and outside of your control. If you don't enjoy being yourself, being in a relationship with someone else won't change that, and in fact may make you even more insecure because you're striving to meet an invisible bar set by someone else rather than yourself.
 
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E

Epsilon0

Enlightened
Dec 28, 2019
1,874
@GoodPersonEffed

If someone knocked me down for liking myself, it was a reflection of their lack, not a reflection of me. Someone who knocks others down needs that power because they feel weak and use the experiences to make themselves feel stronger and validated - those are people to stay away from.

This is so important, I can't overstate it. But knowing this truth and living it are two different things. When I was young, I knew this theoretically, but I could not live by it. The slightest mean comment broke me like a twig.

In my case it took many experiences, heartbreaks, successes, losses and a lot of growing up to be able to reach that level of self-esteem which allows me to not let others make me doubt my self-worth.
 
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Oyoy

Oyoy

Spatula
Feb 2, 2020
741
I hope you embrace being a virgin. You can make someone the luckiest man alive. The comedian Tina Fay only slept with her husband and didn't date in collage and her life is awesome right now. Everyone else is an easy slut. I would be proud to.be you.
I'm sorry.
 
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262653

262653

Cluesome
Apr 5, 2018
1,733
People tend to find others attractive because of what they have. They don't seek someone who is lacking in order to give them what they don't have.

I think it is a very important idea. Viewing relationships as what they are about, the collaboration of two people for personal benefit (like in business partnership maybe), allows us to avoid some of the unreasonable expectations. It's like waiting for a train to stop by when there's no railroad nearby.

I used to feel bad about being about not having a gf until I realized that I'm not being viewed as useful (or they were too insecure to approach me), partly because I'm not putting myself "out there". It's not that bad now :))
 
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D

Deleted member 1465

_
Jul 31, 2018
6,914
However, you need to learn to be independent first so that you don't depend on anyone or NEED anyone
Definitely.
That's why so many relationships faceplant. Mutual dependence and enablement of underlying issues. But sometimes you also have to experience a blurring of boundaries first in order to be able to define your boundaries properly.
I've never been good at romantic relationships though. I always found friends with chemistry to be far more rewarding.
 
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Notabadguy

Notabadguy

Mage
Feb 7, 2020
576
Nobody needs a boyfriend/girlfriend. Being single it's not a disease.
 
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Supersadmommy90

Supersadmommy90

Student
Sep 24, 2019
186
Same boat. I just got out of an abusive relationship and now I'm desperate to fill the void, but not with just anyone. I have a first choice in line and if he doesn't pan out then I may have to do the dating app thing myself. It just always feels like there is something is missing without an emotionally supportive relationship in my life. I'm terribly lonely and it isnt helping my depression.
 
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M

mothdust9

Member
Apr 22, 2020
21
While I don't think relationships are necessarily the end all be all solution to mental health or self esteem issues, I can understand where you're coming from. Please know there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. You never know when a significant other might come along. I was one of the nerdy, shy girls in high school with my nose stuck in a book all the time. I was too shy to tell the guy I had a crush on that I liked him. 11 years after graduation, my crush sends me a friend request on FB and asks me if I'd like to go shoot pool sometime! I was shocked and elated all at the same time. I found out we had everything in common. We've been together ever since(6 years now). That said, I still feel like I'm gonna have to ctb just due to the physical pain I'm in. I love him dearly but one can only take so much pain. Your story may turn out differently. You might find the love of your life and live happily ever after. And I hope that's exactly what happens to all of you seeking a SO <3
 
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muffin222

muffin222

Enlightened
Mar 31, 2020
1,188
I get what you're saying, but at the end of the day, we do have to save ourselves. Having a boyfriend is wonderful; the companionship, support, and warmth definitely brighten life up, but we cannot find true happiness (an internal state) from another person (an external source). When we expect relationships to fill the void in us and bring us happiness, we risk venturing into the territory of codependency

There's no shame in being a virgin or being single. When our relationships (or lack thereof) define our happiness and self-esteem, we're essentially giving our power away
 
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BPD Barbie

BPD Barbie

Visionary
Dec 1, 2019
2,361
I never had a boyfriend and still a virgin.
Seeing couples holding hands together in public when i used to shopping , hearing couples moving in together like adults etc.

It kills me because want someone to love me like that, take an interest in my life etc

If i had a boyfriend it would make me a better person and give me something to live for.

A relationship means i will never be lonely again, my self esteem will improve and can have more fun.
While I understand how you feel, a relationship isn't everything. They are hit and miss. You can still be in one and feel alone and lost. If/when they end, it can hurt like hell or feel like a release. It's entirely dependant on both parties involved.
 
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FireFox

FireFox

Enlightened
Apr 8, 2020
1,694
While I understand how you feel, a relationship isn't everything. They are hit and miss. You can still be in one and feel alone and lost. If/when they end, it can hurt like hell or feel like a release. It's entirely dependant on both parties involved.
Thanks your right
I used to love barbie when i was little.
I am 22
 
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BPD Barbie

BPD Barbie

Visionary
Dec 1, 2019
2,361
Thanks your right
I used to love barbie when i was little.
I am 22
Me too! Don't give up yet lovely, you're still young and have plenty of time. Falling in love is a beautiful feeling and I just know you will experience it. There is no time frame and don't feel pressured by society, do things at your pace.
 
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I

Icebaker96

New Member
Apr 7, 2020
1
I agree with those who say that being in a relationship isn't a solution to fix personal problems. However I think that being with a person you truly love and who loves you deeply help a lot to give reasons to live.

I was only lightly depressed and not really suicidal until this year (I am 26) but I was clearly living without goals or dreams, going nowhere. I haven't had a partner until I was 22 and I was often jealous or upset to end alone in my room while my friends were often in a relationship. Three years ago I met a girl I couldn't stop thinking about even after she refused to be with me when I asked her. She then came back to me a week later to say that she wanted us to try being together. We soon fell in love to each other and our love didn't stop to grow with time. I then found goals in my life because I knew I couldn't live how I was before if I wanted to live with her. I started to be interested in what I was studying and I started to be really dedicated in my hobby. I questioned myself a few times about the meaning of all of these changments in my life and it always resulted that this woman was really the best I could find for me and that I was truly happy with her. I know it's absurd to presume something like this but I felt that our relationship was the most sincere of all others I knew. The love I felt for her was the best thing I experienced in my life.
The woman I consider as my soulmate tragically died a month ago, leaving me in a much worse state I was before meeting her. I have now lost every reason I had to live and even if it's been only a month she's gone I already know that everything I can do will now be meaningless. I am now waiting my SN to arrive.

I think that my story showed me that the will to live and the goals I had wasn't really personal and that maybe it would have subside only with this relationship going on. Anyway I think that if love is deep and sincere you can rely on what has been constructed with a relationship.
 
charlottewilts

charlottewilts

read Dostoyevsky
Jun 15, 2019
494
i'm in a relationship now and i still plan to kill myself (no worries, my partner knows). i don't know if this is the only reason for your depression but as everyone said it's not a cure in the slightest. i'm still as suicidal as before, if not more.
 

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