I'm at that final stage where I don't care at all. When I was 17 years old, I fully realized what a failure I was in this life, I freaked out, screamed at people and asked myself to go to a mental hospital. Since then I started taking antidepressants. I degenerated even more, but the drugs drowned out my mental pain. The stage of despair is long over, but this is not the worst thing. Now I can no longer feel strong emotions. This is truly the bottom from which it is impossible to get out, no matter how hard you try. I am actually no longer a living person in the literal sense of the word. Although the only emotion I can feel is fear. Fear of the hell that awaits me if I continue to go with the flow. However, I am unable to resist this in any other way other than suicide. Deep down I long for suicide, but I am afraid that I do not have enough strength and intelligence for this.