Desire to be free before CTB

[meetapple]

Do you feel if you know are going to CTB that you should be allowed to relax beforehand? Like why make an effort to conform or work hard to stay in shape, go to bed on time, and study if it won't matter in the long run? Then, if you do relax do you find yourself in a bad position because you never CTB because of SI or other reasons?

 

[overcomingfear]

Noone can disallow you that, people give up on life when its not enjoyable. Personally staying in shape doesn't make me wanna live, but at least my body feels loose and i can rest well after it

 

[FuneralCry]

In the end nothing matters in the long run as we will all die eventually no matter what. It is understandable, not wanting to do those tasks you suggested if we will ctb soon. I think personally I will be unable to feel relaxed at all before ctb as we are programmed to survive, the SI means taking our own lives is hard.

 

[goingoutinstyle]

The past few months my suicidal thoughts have intensified from passive "I wish I was never born" to "I'm going to ctb and am actively planning it," which has resulted in me not taking care of myself (skipping my skincare routine, doing the bare minimum at school, not exercising anymore, etc) and having frequent binge eating episodes. I've gained 40+ pounds, my skin has gone from painstakingly taken care of to an acne minefield, and I feel worse than ever. I thought I would have ctb by now but I couldn't prep in time, so I'm dealing with the consequences now. I've done most of the research and stuff by now, though, so I just have to make purchases and deal with my belongings and write notes and such.

One of my biggest fantasies is getting told I have one year left to live, in which case I can drop out of college and do fun things instead. I'm lucky enough to have supportive and loving parents who are pretty well-off, so they'd probably take time off and travel with me around the world and make nice memories. sigh.....