Had a difficult childhood with addiction running in my family and being surrounded by two faced hypocrites, was never able to fully trust anyone. My parents divorced when I was very young, my sister and I constantly moved between my mum and her new husband and my dad and stepmom we both had a weird relationship to. More often than not it felt like no one wanted me, now I know that this was actually kind of the case, sometimes they even fought about where we were going to spend the weekend (because no one wanted to spare their free time on us lmao)
I was morbidly obese all my life bc I have a history of binge eating, food just brought me comfort. And kids are cruel, so I got heavily bullied in school all my life bc of my appearance.
I was living at my choleric godmothers place during my teen years, she was insanely demanding, nothing I did was enough for her. Living with her was hard, and I kept being more and more depressed. I started self harming back then, and I remember looking up bridges near me and buying a rope, didn't actually attempt tho. During this time, my performance in school became worse, and all the goals and dream careers I hold on to started slipping through my fingers.
Somehow ended up forced to move in my first own apartment even tho I wasn't ready at all, couldn't handle the loneliness. Kept making wrong decisions and ended up not being able to pay my rent and bills. Had my first ctb-attempt and ended up in psych ward, moved back to my dad after therapy and wanted to turn my life around, went back to school and started to do sports and lose a little weight. Well, losing a little weight turned into a full on restrictive eating disorder, which was everything I focused on for the whole next year. Failed school again, ended up jobless and without any plans for my future. My depression started to peak, my dad kicked me out bc I wasn't actively looking for a job bc of my mental health (and tbh bc I was so insanely suicidal, I kept thinking it wasn't worth it) and he thought I was just lazy.
Attempted partial, failed again.. now I'm back at my godmothers house.
It's just embarrassing. I am such a burden to everyone around me bc I can't do anything on my own. I'm so pathetic it hurts thinking about it.
I never experienced real love, never had a relationship, even tho I carry so much love inside of me.
I never had a place to call home. I just want to belong somewhere, and since there seems to be no such place for me here on earth, I have to leave.
