Naz667
Member
- Dec 9, 2025
- 26
T/W - Self-Harm
(I don't know if this is socially normal to put on posts in this community but I felt like it)
I constantly feel as though I am undeserving of any sort of kind gesture. Any time a stranger tries to be my friend, or anyone does anything nice to me, I can only see it as romantic (because why else would someone be nice to me) or that I am just not realizing how false the reality is.
I use a knife and scrape my skin, entering a trance-like state as I go back and forth on the skin just above my left wrist. Occasionally I draw blood, but it usually only looks like a friction burn. I think it was noticed once by a professor, but I slowly separated from her motherly gaze. I recently started using the tip of the knife on my chest, pushing down enough to feel it, but not enough to draw blood.
I don't really know why I'm doing that; To punish myself? To simply remind myself of a feeling that most people rarely feel? To be closer to the wall that separates lethal action from simple self harm? I don't really know.
I've had thoughts of catching the bus since I was in middle school. I have never attempted, as I mentally knew that if I went through with planning an attempt, it would be lethal. I'm now turning 21 in a few months. I never thought I would live this far. Every time I see myself in the mirror, I don't recognize the person there, still mentally seeing my face as that of my 17 y/o self.
In some ways, I already see myself as dead. Maybe that's why I feel that I am undeserving of kindness. Maybe that's why I have such low standards for myself compared to others. I'm already a corpse that just hasn't told its body yet.
I've been drinking alot. My unmedicated ADHD makes the brain go zoomie, and liquor makes the brain slow, and stop. It's nice to have just one train of thought, slowly grinding along. However it also makes me say stupid shit to the very few entities that share my social proximity. I spend hours thinking of what I said, what I remember, what I don't, and yet I feel I am the only one who does. I think of others far more than I rest on their mind.
If I interacted with someone so close to the doors of Lady Death, would I know it? I know I wouldn't be able to stop it, I can barely even stop myself, but would I see the signs? I've carried the signs, worn the masks, for over a decade, yet I think I would be blind to them.
I have a friend (22) who is just now experiencing depression from circumstances in her life, and I don't know what to tell her. She doesn't have a decade of experience feeling a void within her flesh suit, she doesn't pour 12+ hours every day online to escape from the walls closing in. I've already steered my life this way, and yet I can't help her with the very problem I've had for most of my life?
I don't know if any of this is cohesive, I just have alot in my brain that I've been trying not to drink too much to slow, but I really hate how fast it can get going.
Unrelated, but I've picked up reading; Finished book 4 of "Court of Thorns and Roses" or something like that name
(I don't know if this is socially normal to put on posts in this community but I felt like it)
I constantly feel as though I am undeserving of any sort of kind gesture. Any time a stranger tries to be my friend, or anyone does anything nice to me, I can only see it as romantic (because why else would someone be nice to me) or that I am just not realizing how false the reality is.
I use a knife and scrape my skin, entering a trance-like state as I go back and forth on the skin just above my left wrist. Occasionally I draw blood, but it usually only looks like a friction burn. I think it was noticed once by a professor, but I slowly separated from her motherly gaze. I recently started using the tip of the knife on my chest, pushing down enough to feel it, but not enough to draw blood.
I don't really know why I'm doing that; To punish myself? To simply remind myself of a feeling that most people rarely feel? To be closer to the wall that separates lethal action from simple self harm? I don't really know.
I've had thoughts of catching the bus since I was in middle school. I have never attempted, as I mentally knew that if I went through with planning an attempt, it would be lethal. I'm now turning 21 in a few months. I never thought I would live this far. Every time I see myself in the mirror, I don't recognize the person there, still mentally seeing my face as that of my 17 y/o self.
In some ways, I already see myself as dead. Maybe that's why I feel that I am undeserving of kindness. Maybe that's why I have such low standards for myself compared to others. I'm already a corpse that just hasn't told its body yet.
I've been drinking alot. My unmedicated ADHD makes the brain go zoomie, and liquor makes the brain slow, and stop. It's nice to have just one train of thought, slowly grinding along. However it also makes me say stupid shit to the very few entities that share my social proximity. I spend hours thinking of what I said, what I remember, what I don't, and yet I feel I am the only one who does. I think of others far more than I rest on their mind.
If I interacted with someone so close to the doors of Lady Death, would I know it? I know I wouldn't be able to stop it, I can barely even stop myself, but would I see the signs? I've carried the signs, worn the masks, for over a decade, yet I think I would be blind to them.
I have a friend (22) who is just now experiencing depression from circumstances in her life, and I don't know what to tell her. She doesn't have a decade of experience feeling a void within her flesh suit, she doesn't pour 12+ hours every day online to escape from the walls closing in. I've already steered my life this way, and yet I can't help her with the very problem I've had for most of my life?
I don't know if any of this is cohesive, I just have alot in my brain that I've been trying not to drink too much to slow, but I really hate how fast it can get going.
Unrelated, but I've picked up reading; Finished book 4 of "Court of Thorns and Roses" or something like that name
