actual_fox
Arcanist
- Sep 15, 2022
- 469
Feel free to read what you want first and leave the rest If your heart desires. I do not expect you to read anything- It is fuck long, go watch some good movie like Matrix instead.
Reasons for my disease
I am depressed, I have no idea what causes this. I think this might be my biology or something fucking with my mind (parasites or hateful will of some form) but mostly I blame outlook on life as 2 things are given- Death and suffering. Depression is a cycle I cannot get out off. I just do not see any meaning what-so-ever in what I am doing- I am talking my carrier and studies. Only meaning I have is taken from what I am drawing or expressing through It and It is mostly caused by suffering. So Suffering gives my meaning to art and because of this I do not want to ctb that much- or I postpone It so I just prolong suffering instead of doing what is fair for myself.
Idk why tf am I depressed really (maybe being hsp with a lot of trauma from physical abuse in school from a bunch of demons in human flesh- there was no need for anybody to be this cruel), maybe I am lonely or maybe I am promortalist who wants to die and needs justification I constantly ask myself: Am I ok? Am I not ok? Why?
Would not be good to leave?
I went on a bus, first time for a long time and before I reached destination ( Imagine I am talking about my life as a bus trip If you want) I saw blind lady, homeless man with piece of plywood for his bed and old man that cannot move. They all had dead faces, just moving through space. I do not know what drives this people- whatever this is I don't have It. I do not want to be subjected to what life can offer me. Usually such philosophical views do not drive people to ctb, but I believe I have suffered enough and will suffer more. I would be so lucky to choose time and place of my death. That would be best thing ever, to get rid of all of this off myself with little pain and just a bit of turmoil, but I plan to be as peaceful as I can. I might even attempt on being happy.
My family
My family feels love but they are just people at the end. This is not some magic, family is not a magic pill that can cure everything, love is not magic. We all risk, morals say that I will take child from them, but I am only somewhat sorry- First I am not loosing anything and just exercising my right as a sentient being to cease to exist- because I own my being and my soul and my body or whatever is me. Second- they will only mourn what they think was me, they will not mourn me, but this fake, little me that they have in their heads and hearts. It is just mirror reflection of me- they will loose their companion and promise they made to themselves that I will fulfill them. Real me wants to not suffer and desires freedom. I am not here to satisfy others, to bring money, comfort or hope to others- when I do so It is my choice and not obligation. If i came here by my own will then I made a mistake- I then declare that if It is true then I cancel everything I wanted to be or wanted to experience and all my contracts to some "higher beings" are not valid (sorry archons lol). If I am just manifestation of my parents lusts and desires then It is even easier- things go up, things go down. You passed on faulty genes, and trauma, you will get It back in some way. You tried like billions of others and you failed.
I feel I need to tell them that I love them, my family, but I have no feelings such as love in past days. It is kinda horrifying. Kinda freeing. I am an old man having body of 20 something year old.
Is life worth living in itself?
I do not think that life is worth living If you feel It is not. It is not like life itself is a thing, one is his life in this "world" subjectively. What were we, and if we were anything before is debated, but for time being we are only our lives and what they lead us to. Some people might have played this game and lost, their genes were corrupted, they had bad luck or they were fucked with. There should be nobody telling us what to do with our lives as there are not equal to other lives in qualities. One can live in totally different world then the other.
Maybe some brains cannot produce enough of endorphin-dopamine-oxytocin soup to drown ones sorrows doubts and worries. If one can live on the street but be happy then he should live. If one lives in a palace but he has no "home" then he may die- but he should not be told that he ought to be happy.
My pain and silence
I suffer in silence because anytime I say something is wrong the solution is given to me, often artificial one. Therapist, drugs (drugs don't make people happy they say- yet they are fun at least, not like SSRI's which can cause you unorgasmia or trigger maniac episode because your doc cares fuck all for correct diagnosis and sees himself as life saver and magician, also meds suck fix your shit big ph*rma), or meeting people. Worst case scenario- you open up and get hospitalized. Slightly less bad- you open up and get gaslighted, also bad- you open to somebody who listens and feel temporary relief while nothing really changed. Even here It is a problem for me. I do not want for hating my life to be full time job- I doubt If I should even write this, but It feels too good to write this to stop now. Maybe some person will use any of those as his talking points in some article about right to die. If I just keep on venting I will not achieve anything.
Saying things that are objectively true like: we all will suffer one day, we all will get old, life is full of chores, life might surprise you in a bad way and you sometimes cannot do anything about It, huge disasters happen on mass scale every 50 years or so and MILLIONS die in horrible traumatizing ways, god supposedly loves us but sends us here and demands worship and sacrifice of his son's blood and flesh in front of the altar every week and his priests are wearing black robes, living in castles with towers and telling you what to do to avoid being sent to hell- is all a huge no no. Thanks for the humor and jokes- this is the only way people speak their mind nowadays. At least people do not smile, maybe we are under some collective curse that makes us act like this is all ok so we do not have to consider ending our life subscriptions too early. Maybe It would be too rude to bother those who's brains are marinated in all of those happy juices, the same way you do not want to throw your dog out of your bed when you really need to sleep, because he is so innocent and blissfully unaware.
What I like about this world
Nature, creativity, games, ngl the horror of It is also fascinating- like It is hard to imagine how normal things can be so normal and fucked at the same time. Also life is funny sometimes, so that's that. My family
I am not logical, I would not write any of this If I did not have a feeling to do so.
This is my 162 post. I want to not be here before I reach 200.
Reasons for my disease
I am depressed, I have no idea what causes this. I think this might be my biology or something fucking with my mind (parasites or hateful will of some form) but mostly I blame outlook on life as 2 things are given- Death and suffering. Depression is a cycle I cannot get out off. I just do not see any meaning what-so-ever in what I am doing- I am talking my carrier and studies. Only meaning I have is taken from what I am drawing or expressing through It and It is mostly caused by suffering. So Suffering gives my meaning to art and because of this I do not want to ctb that much- or I postpone It so I just prolong suffering instead of doing what is fair for myself.
Idk why tf am I depressed really (maybe being hsp with a lot of trauma from physical abuse in school from a bunch of demons in human flesh- there was no need for anybody to be this cruel), maybe I am lonely or maybe I am promortalist who wants to die and needs justification I constantly ask myself: Am I ok? Am I not ok? Why?
Would not be good to leave?
I went on a bus, first time for a long time and before I reached destination ( Imagine I am talking about my life as a bus trip If you want) I saw blind lady, homeless man with piece of plywood for his bed and old man that cannot move. They all had dead faces, just moving through space. I do not know what drives this people- whatever this is I don't have It. I do not want to be subjected to what life can offer me. Usually such philosophical views do not drive people to ctb, but I believe I have suffered enough and will suffer more. I would be so lucky to choose time and place of my death. That would be best thing ever, to get rid of all of this off myself with little pain and just a bit of turmoil, but I plan to be as peaceful as I can. I might even attempt on being happy.
My family
My family feels love but they are just people at the end. This is not some magic, family is not a magic pill that can cure everything, love is not magic. We all risk, morals say that I will take child from them, but I am only somewhat sorry- First I am not loosing anything and just exercising my right as a sentient being to cease to exist- because I own my being and my soul and my body or whatever is me. Second- they will only mourn what they think was me, they will not mourn me, but this fake, little me that they have in their heads and hearts. It is just mirror reflection of me- they will loose their companion and promise they made to themselves that I will fulfill them. Real me wants to not suffer and desires freedom. I am not here to satisfy others, to bring money, comfort or hope to others- when I do so It is my choice and not obligation. If i came here by my own will then I made a mistake- I then declare that if It is true then I cancel everything I wanted to be or wanted to experience and all my contracts to some "higher beings" are not valid (sorry archons lol). If I am just manifestation of my parents lusts and desires then It is even easier- things go up, things go down. You passed on faulty genes, and trauma, you will get It back in some way. You tried like billions of others and you failed.
I feel I need to tell them that I love them, my family, but I have no feelings such as love in past days. It is kinda horrifying. Kinda freeing. I am an old man having body of 20 something year old.
Is life worth living in itself?
I do not think that life is worth living If you feel It is not. It is not like life itself is a thing, one is his life in this "world" subjectively. What were we, and if we were anything before is debated, but for time being we are only our lives and what they lead us to. Some people might have played this game and lost, their genes were corrupted, they had bad luck or they were fucked with. There should be nobody telling us what to do with our lives as there are not equal to other lives in qualities. One can live in totally different world then the other.
Maybe some brains cannot produce enough of endorphin-dopamine-oxytocin soup to drown ones sorrows doubts and worries. If one can live on the street but be happy then he should live. If one lives in a palace but he has no "home" then he may die- but he should not be told that he ought to be happy.
My pain and silence
I suffer in silence because anytime I say something is wrong the solution is given to me, often artificial one. Therapist, drugs (drugs don't make people happy they say- yet they are fun at least, not like SSRI's which can cause you unorgasmia or trigger maniac episode because your doc cares fuck all for correct diagnosis and sees himself as life saver and magician, also meds suck fix your shit big ph*rma), or meeting people. Worst case scenario- you open up and get hospitalized. Slightly less bad- you open up and get gaslighted, also bad- you open to somebody who listens and feel temporary relief while nothing really changed. Even here It is a problem for me. I do not want for hating my life to be full time job- I doubt If I should even write this, but It feels too good to write this to stop now. Maybe some person will use any of those as his talking points in some article about right to die. If I just keep on venting I will not achieve anything.
Saying things that are objectively true like: we all will suffer one day, we all will get old, life is full of chores, life might surprise you in a bad way and you sometimes cannot do anything about It, huge disasters happen on mass scale every 50 years or so and MILLIONS die in horrible traumatizing ways, god supposedly loves us but sends us here and demands worship and sacrifice of his son's blood and flesh in front of the altar every week and his priests are wearing black robes, living in castles with towers and telling you what to do to avoid being sent to hell- is all a huge no no. Thanks for the humor and jokes- this is the only way people speak their mind nowadays. At least people do not smile, maybe we are under some collective curse that makes us act like this is all ok so we do not have to consider ending our life subscriptions too early. Maybe It would be too rude to bother those who's brains are marinated in all of those happy juices, the same way you do not want to throw your dog out of your bed when you really need to sleep, because he is so innocent and blissfully unaware.
What I like about this world
Nature, creativity, games, ngl the horror of It is also fascinating- like It is hard to imagine how normal things can be so normal and fucked at the same time. Also life is funny sometimes, so that's that. My family
I am not logical, I would not write any of this If I did not have a feeling to do so.
This is my 162 post. I want to not be here before I reach 200.
