Venting Depression is suffocating me

[Dusk till dawn]

I'm suffocating from loneliness, i can't socialise with anyone, nobody is trustworthy at all, i've been an outcast my whole life, i tried to open up to many people but every time i just get disappointed, the last time i was happy was when i was 11 year old playing with my friends, i remember played a chasing game and one time when i was chasing my childhood crush we just got tired and fall into grass together, now when i think about this, that's probably the happiest moment in my life, i used to play video games with my friends all the time, training for hours just to beat my friend in a video game called tekken 5, one time during a festive i wake up too early and waited for my friend for 1 hour, now when i think about my whole life, the last time i woke up happy and energetic was during my childhood, ever since then everything become pointless, i was never able to wake up happy and energetic and excited, i hardly wake up, it's hard to pick up myself from my bed, i don't care about anything, i'm just lost in a dark dead end with no light, it's been years since i'm like this, when people are asked "what's your dream?" they'll usually have something ambitious, however for me, my dream is to find friends i can socialise with, people who can understand me, people who i can joyfully waste all the day playing with them, but i never had, i never had friends ever since my childhood, and things won't change, what i'm even doing with my life? i know things won't get better, i know i'll be lonely, i even had a dream where i was alone watching some kids discussing when they'll hang out together and i felt like i was suffocating because i suppressed myself from asking these kids if i can hangout with them in my dream, i'm really lost and there's no hope for me, there's just doom awaiting me, i'm an outcast from my society, literally living a fake life, if i dare tell anyone i don't believe in any religion then i gave myself a death sentence, if i dare tell someone my dream is to have friends i can hangout with, my family will just laugh at me and tell me i'll be nothing once i grow up, that i should focus on more "important things" like my school and learning business and all that bullshit, i can't see myself getting outside this dark dead end, i'm really doomed, there's no hope for me

 

[Callie Arcale]

I know this doesn't help you in any way, shape or form, but there's no hope for me either. So greetings from another sufferer slowly decaying in the trenches of this relentless war called life.

 

[tbroken]

I join the trio. Anger and sorrow is all i have left from a long time, i wish it will end soon, i just have to find the right inspiration.
It is 15 years + that I'm in this state.
But in my case i had dreams and ambitions, trauma and stupid ppl abusing me ruined it all. It was possible to save me, but those devils that surround me made it all worst.

 

[Hahem]

I relate with all you said. I feel like life is an uphill battle and it gets steeper the higher you try to go. All I wished was to be normal and have a happy family, friends to hang out with and a loving partner.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

That is why ending it all is so appealing. We're all with you as far as feeling your pain, my friend.