Divine Trinity
Pugna Vigil
- Mar 20, 2019
- 310
I've had depression all my life as far back as infancy, in hindsight there were many red flags throughout my childhood that I was overwhelmed by it that went unnoticed. By my early teens I'd begin having (compared to later on) minor suicide ideation, but still semi-functional in day-to-day activity. This was around the time of my first suicide gesture, I'd be reluctant to call it a serious attempt. By mid-late teens I'd dropped all social obligations and become reclusive for several years, at this point I'd entirely given up on myself and figured one way or another I'd ctb. I had began researching and experimenting ways to ctb and had a few serious attempts, one of which would have worked but I got to experience the wonderful feeling of SI and barely managed to survive.
By my 20's I struggled to maintain the bare minimum to survive. I'd lost so much weight and muscle from starving/malnutrition my body could barely support its own weight. This is when I'd notice how much my depression had skewed my perception of reality which is frightening to realize. So many hardships and strife in life ultimately caused by a toxic/poor mindset. I heavily considered recovery, without the led shackles of depression weighing me down life would be so easy and bound with "endless" opportunities... Until I asked myself "opportunity for what?"
You can be an astronaut pioneering the way for some asshole multi-billionaire to extract more resources and scam the taxpayer of federal funds, you could be a producer creating mind-numbing propaganda to fill the world's need of asocial mental stimulation while killing themselves from isolation and overwork, you could be a lawyer or politician profiteering off of our broken legal system and have your budget mini yacht mocked by even wealthier conceited tools, you could be a doctor with no personal life managing the symptoms of a dead society, you could be an activist or social worker pretending to fight valiantly for another box of band-aids to treat the epidemic of gunshot wounds and drug OD's in your hollowed shell of a community, you could be a parent trying to convince yourself the human you procreated will be content with their life full of love and purpose, you could be an environmentalist trying to convince the people there's an environment left to protect... More than likely you'll be none of those (maybe the parent), you'll be some mediocre shmuck making $17/hr at a desk front listening to morons on autopilot for 10hrs a day.
Depression gave me a single unique ability to really look at the world for what it is, and my conclusion it's shit. Fast Foward a few dead-end jobs and here I am not eating for the 4th day in a row, while trying to remember the procedure to SN for the 30th time. In some twisted way I've learned to enjoy abusing myself hoping the accumulation of self sabotaging decisions will push me to do what I've wanted to for a long time.
The moral of the story is if you're new to the depression gig, as in less than a decade, you still have a chance to recover even if you can't see it now. Depression is like cancer, lethal left untreated but if you catch it in the early stages youre able to do a lot of damage control.
By my 20's I struggled to maintain the bare minimum to survive. I'd lost so much weight and muscle from starving/malnutrition my body could barely support its own weight. This is when I'd notice how much my depression had skewed my perception of reality which is frightening to realize. So many hardships and strife in life ultimately caused by a toxic/poor mindset. I heavily considered recovery, without the led shackles of depression weighing me down life would be so easy and bound with "endless" opportunities... Until I asked myself "opportunity for what?"
You can be an astronaut pioneering the way for some asshole multi-billionaire to extract more resources and scam the taxpayer of federal funds, you could be a producer creating mind-numbing propaganda to fill the world's need of asocial mental stimulation while killing themselves from isolation and overwork, you could be a lawyer or politician profiteering off of our broken legal system and have your budget mini yacht mocked by even wealthier conceited tools, you could be a doctor with no personal life managing the symptoms of a dead society, you could be an activist or social worker pretending to fight valiantly for another box of band-aids to treat the epidemic of gunshot wounds and drug OD's in your hollowed shell of a community, you could be a parent trying to convince yourself the human you procreated will be content with their life full of love and purpose, you could be an environmentalist trying to convince the people there's an environment left to protect... More than likely you'll be none of those (maybe the parent), you'll be some mediocre shmuck making $17/hr at a desk front listening to morons on autopilot for 10hrs a day.
Depression gave me a single unique ability to really look at the world for what it is, and my conclusion it's shit. Fast Foward a few dead-end jobs and here I am not eating for the 4th day in a row, while trying to remember the procedure to SN for the 30th time. In some twisted way I've learned to enjoy abusing myself hoping the accumulation of self sabotaging decisions will push me to do what I've wanted to for a long time.
The moral of the story is if you're new to the depression gig, as in less than a decade, you still have a chance to recover even if you can't see it now. Depression is like cancer, lethal left untreated but if you catch it in the early stages youre able to do a lot of damage control.
