Depressed around family

[torturedmind]

I am attending a wedding for a family member tonight. My mom, dad, brother, sister in law, cousins, aunts and uncles will all be there. I'm currently in my hotel room wishing I was dead. I can't even control my depression for an event that is supposed to be happy and celebrating and full of good memories. Instead I am having yet another depressive episode. I wish I could just enjoy being around my family and loved ones. I wish I wasn't depressed all the time. I am just so tired of living like this. I hate myself so much and I wish my family had someone worth a shit instead of me. Nobody even wants to talk to me because they all know there is nothing new with me. I have nothing to say. I would rather be invisible. Everything just hurts so bad. Does anyone else struggle to control their depression even when you're around the people you love?

 

[MyShadow]

I find myself envious of your relationship with your family. My family is way too dysfunctional and apathetic and a huge source of my depression and anxiety, so I stopped attending family events.

 

[getoutgirl]

Yeah same every time here. It sucks, I know, sorry.
You just dread the day and pray you have the bare enough energy to wear a mask. And sometimes that's not posible, and they can tell, and the evening gets loooooooooooong, but you can only do so much. Try to not be too harsh to yourself about it, it sucks I won't tip toe around it, but it's not something you are choosing. I know you'd much rather be celebrating too.
This concern does show you love them though, if while feeling like this you are still worried about making sure they feel okay and happy around you, it means you care. A lot, and beyond how tired you are. Wish we could show that care easier, true...
At least these days do pass, so know you can get through it, even if it gets bad, try to remember you are doing your best.
I know that doesn't always work... but hey, like I said the night shall pass, and at least we don't have weddings every day. Yay for that.
Take it as easy as you can tonight. Big hugs <3

 

[TBONTB]

I am attending a wedding for a family member tonight. My mom, dad, brother, sister in law, cousins, aunts and uncles will all be there. I'm currently in my hotel room wishing I was dead. I can't even control my depression for an event that is supposed to be happy and celebrating and full of good memories. Instead I am having yet another depressive episode. I wish I could just enjoy being around my family and loved ones. I wish I wasn't depressed all the time. I am just so tired of living like this. I hate myself so much and I wish my family had someone worth a shit instead of me. Nobody even wants to talk to me because they all know there is nothing new with me. I have nothing to say. I would rather be invisible. Everything just hurts so bad. Does anyone else struggle to control their depression even when you're around the people you love?

Yes. I think I have something similar to what you are describing. Being with folks I like and doing normal things gives brief moments of happiness or normalcy, but over it all is a huge wash of pain and fear and distance. That becomes more noticeable when it's contrasted with others.

Also I want to say, it hurts me whenever i see someone here turn on the self-loathing. The "hate myself" an d "worthless". No one is worthless and no one deserves self-hate. Those words might make it just a little harder to normalize around your family. So if you are open, consider making milder statements and then just going and being with family however you are able to show up.

Oh, and about not being interesting? I get that, I went from always having a trip I went on to a book I read to having nothing at all. It feels weird. I just try to get them talking about themselves. Which kinda makes me feel bad, but they seem to like it.

Good luck. Hugs