Depressed alienated loser walks into a bar

[spellbound]

I truly want to ctb but I'm so numbed by all the sorrow in my heart. I struggle with basic tasks like brushing my teeth, going outside, even do stuff I love like play video games or go skating. Besides, I don't even enjoy much of any of that anymore.
I don't work or study so I just rot in my bedroom all day and numb the pain even further with alcohol.
My initial bus ticket was to become a night guard and shoot myself with the gun, but seeing how I can't even manage to do my daily pull ups I've lost all hopes with that, so I might go with jumping.
This way of life truly crushes me. I wish ctb was as easy as pro-lifers say it is.
Im no fool, I know this is called depression. I just didn't expect depression to be the reason I can't kill myself.
The irony of the fact that the only way for me to ctb is to work on my depression isn't lost on me. Is all of this bullshit supposed to be funny somehow ? Am I a joke ?
I don't know, I feel there is a joke somewhere that someone laughs at, but I really fucking hate it. I hate that existence has to be that way. I hate everything about it. The only one I love truly is suicide.
They won't be laughing when they scrape my brain matter off the wall