I'm scared of going to a therapist. My mom has been asking me about it, but I made no progress and kept lying to her. I'm still at square 0 and will never get out of it. I wanted to ask if my symptoms are somehow indicative of those two disorders.
I most often feel like my behavior is controlled from somewhere other than myself. It feels like an algorithm has predetermined every action I take. During certain episodes, it feels like a hopeless struggle of escaping things, but I'm predetermined to never be able to escape it. It's useless. I can't escape anything, so I usually feel like I have no choice but to stop everything I'm doing and just wait for hours at times for it to be over. There's a short story written by Jorge Luis Borges, in which everything in a country is decided by a lottery. Every single last thing that happens is decided by it and after some time, it became less common knowledge and just a myth. To me, it feels almost like I'm controlled by such a lottery, but it's impossible to acknowledge it as real. As such, I am stuck in a hopeless existence, where I have no free will and can't change it. Any time these episodes happen, I become a different person almost. I become completely unpleasant and hateful to everyone around me. I go on this stupid forum and just start talking about hateful shit, because I lose all control over myself. I feel like I stop having any control and like I want to change course, but I simply can't anymore.
Aside of that, I have never-ending obsessions surrounding my sexual orientation. I'm bisexual and completely hate myself for it. To me, it is like an original sin. Every day my self-hatred comes up and it has completely destroyed my self-image. I can't think of anything other than that, when I think of myself. It's also the only thing I think of with other people. If I see someone with this orientation, I obsessively hate them for it. These obsessions translate into compulsively trying to suppress all of this. I either try to prove to myself my own orientation, since people doubt its existence. Or I suppress any thoughts pertaining to it, since I feel disgusting for them. Or I compulsively rant on any forum I was able to find about how much I hate myself. These compulsions are worst during depersonalization-esque episodes and the obsessions have entirely taken over my life.
I wanna know if these symptoms indicate conclusively whether I have these disorders.
I most often feel like my behavior is controlled from somewhere other than myself. It feels like an algorithm has predetermined every action I take. During certain episodes, it feels like a hopeless struggle of escaping things, but I'm predetermined to never be able to escape it. It's useless. I can't escape anything, so I usually feel like I have no choice but to stop everything I'm doing and just wait for hours at times for it to be over. There's a short story written by Jorge Luis Borges, in which everything in a country is decided by a lottery. Every single last thing that happens is decided by it and after some time, it became less common knowledge and just a myth. To me, it feels almost like I'm controlled by such a lottery, but it's impossible to acknowledge it as real. As such, I am stuck in a hopeless existence, where I have no free will and can't change it. Any time these episodes happen, I become a different person almost. I become completely unpleasant and hateful to everyone around me. I go on this stupid forum and just start talking about hateful shit, because I lose all control over myself. I feel like I stop having any control and like I want to change course, but I simply can't anymore.
Aside of that, I have never-ending obsessions surrounding my sexual orientation. I'm bisexual and completely hate myself for it. To me, it is like an original sin. Every day my self-hatred comes up and it has completely destroyed my self-image. I can't think of anything other than that, when I think of myself. It's also the only thing I think of with other people. If I see someone with this orientation, I obsessively hate them for it. These obsessions translate into compulsively trying to suppress all of this. I either try to prove to myself my own orientation, since people doubt its existence. Or I suppress any thoughts pertaining to it, since I feel disgusting for them. Or I compulsively rant on any forum I was able to find about how much I hate myself. These compulsions are worst during depersonalization-esque episodes and the obsessions have entirely taken over my life.
I wanna know if these symptoms indicate conclusively whether I have these disorders.
