Depending on people to survive & killing who you once were instead of yourself

[thankyou]

TLDR:
Is it okay to live for somebody else? Survive off them even? Depend on them for your survival? Be your sole reason to live? How to kill the person you once were? Im autistic and my partner has given me the opportunity to not work so I can finally address my late diagnosis.

Venting:
I posted a previous thread venting about how my late autism diagnosis is the cause to my future suicide. Also, stable employment has become a hopeless struggle, and maintaining relationships. I'm very mentally slow & physically limited, I can't do a lot of things and spend most my life in sensory enclosures. So I'm lonely, poor, also talentless, and ashamed. I've sought after psychiatric help & counseling for years.

I am not exaggerating when I say not a single person took my pain seriously growing up. It took me years of self-help to even learn how to identify a good-hearted person because I'm a dumbass. And finally… I met 1 person who has taken my pain 100% seriously and loves me unconditionally, my current partner of 1.5 years. I was on the verge of CTB when I met them, delaying it to give love 1 more chance.

My current partner is the only thing good in my life now. My ONLY reason to live. I don't say it out loud but, it's true. I don't feel good enough for them though. Im a terrible domestic partner, can't have kids, I lost my career due to autism. I feel like a burden. I was about to move back in with my abusive parents again…

But my partner actually offered to take care of me instead, like… no need to be employed at all. They saw how miserable I was. They're not rich but well off to provide a lower-middle American class lifestyle. They put me on their life insurance. We talked about getting married sooner than we planned. I've depended on a partner before but they abandoned me so my new partner went above and beyond to make sure that it wouldn't even be legally possible. They said to go be autistic, fuck around, heal, and do whatever you want for money. Stop dealing with jobs that make you want to CTB. Focus on yourself. Make crochet socks for elephants or something wild, leave the corporate life behind, fuck it. Heal and spend 12 hours everyday in your safety enclosure.

And now I just don't know what to do. I was ready to take the SN. I got plenty of it and FUCK does having it around provide relief. I DO NOT fear death and I think about it daily. But I've never been in a safe place before. If this is all real… then a significant source of my pain is removed.

So I have no clue what to do now. I have no idea who I am outside of trying to survive. How tf do I spend my time? Just live for for my partner, who I know if they left, that's the end of my life??? Even if my partner is happy now, I know how difficult I am.

Happy for the opportunity. Logically I still want to die. But I know I must exhaust all other options first…

 

[dumpstermagic]

ride it out you can always do the damn thing if uve got the means

 

[TapeMachine]

I agree with @dumpstermagic: see what happens, try to enjoy your newfound free time and the companionship of your partner. Ctb will always be an option for later if you deem it necessary. But why not explore this new territory for a little while first?

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in, and I can imagine that it must be tiring feeling trapped here when you really wish to be gone. I guess that after all, only you can decide what is best as it's your life. But anyway, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Octavia]

It would be quite unfair for the person your life depends on, as sole responsibility for a life is a heavy burden to bear even for the strongest shoulders. I would only suggest doing it if the person is okay with it and is not too affected. A better solution for the long term would be to gradually build a wider support network.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

i think it is ok to live for someone else, even depend on them. i imagine your partner would want you to stay around, after all. its not wrong to live that way, it can even be altruistic.

i was in similar situation, but eventually i couldnt sustain it anymore. wanted to ctb, even attempted, but stayed around for my girlfriend. ended up living with her for a while when i had nowhere else to go. wasnt working either. now i live alone tho so i dont depend on her anymore. and after a lot of traumatic shit happened in my life i couldnt bear living anymore, and i felt like it became suffocating to force myself to continue living for another person's sake.

ultimately i didnt ctb (yet), i actually did kill who i once was. i killed the version of me that was living for others, the version of me that kept promises and tried to please others and had no sense of self except for mirroring others. took a mix of trauma, betrayal, lot of drugs, and social withdrawal. now im a dead person living.

i dont recommend going my route.

 

[SexyIncél]

Maybe there's some parts you need to talk with:
- your sense of fun and play: failure is now an option. Success and failure can be meaningless. Push things to see what happens
- the parts of you that you never liked or ruin your fun
- your moral part: look around you, are there little easy things you can do to reduce suffering for good people?

Maybe you have to learn to hear some of these things, they're barely a whisper

 

[thankyou]

Thank you for the wonderful comments here!

Im not sure what I'm doing.

All I can say is that my pain hasn't ended just because I'm not employed.

Now I'm humiliated because I'm not employed.
I have to tell all the family, my partners friends, and they're going to ask why … and then give them another humiliating explaination that I am disabled. I went from "independent high earner" to disabled freak in everyone's minds. I can physically feel being knocked down on the totem pole.

Im not sure what to do with my time. And I'm feeling like a burden everyday. My partner can't be the only thing. It's unsustainable.

Im trying to focus on play & volunteering to help the needy. But deep down I'm thinking of being gone 24/7. I may be suffering from suicidal ideation so bad it classifies as OCD. I just don't know myself outside of trying to survive. And I can't imagine unpacking all of this into 1 person.

One day at a time. Even if I don't kill myself for a day, I'm still a day closer to being dead. Finding that comforting rn.

 

[finnn]

I think its ok to live for someone else, and from there, build out more reasons to live for your self, but thats just a suggestion. Do what's best for you and what you see fit <3

 

[SexyIncél]

Now I'm humiliated because I'm not employed.
I have to tell all the family, my partners friends, and they're going to ask why … and then give them another humiliating explaination that I am disabled. I went from "independent high earner" to disabled freak in everyone's minds. I can physically feel being knocked down on the totem pole.

You're not humiliated. They're humiliating you. The totem pole's a construct of hierarchy that they built in their sick minds

Often, contact with certain people makes you think like them. If they're unreasonable, you'll think unreasonably. Since you said "not a single person took my pain seriously growing up", they're clearly not the most perceptive people

 

[thankyou]

Nobody is currently in my life is from my youth I meant my partners family. They're non-judgmental but I can't wrap my head around it.

Im only a few days into living for somebody else and this is very hard. Im starting to feel bad for them.