Story Definitely not want to do it

[whatevs]

Alright, so as the title says I didn´t join the forum with a firm, or even flimsy determination about ctb. I don´t want to die.

Yet, I feel like circumstances have been slowly but powerfully forcing my hand, year by year, decade after decade. My main gripe is social failure, I have realized. It´s not just social anxiety, but more worryingly, it´s what underlies or causes the SA. I seem to be a vulnerable narcissist (or <insert likely psychiatric label>) to a extent. See, when you despise people they will notice, and hostility arises. I try to get close to people and then find something about them that I cannot accept, even when I don´t want to be lonely, and this invariably leads to conflict. I also find the vast majority of people care about things I could´nt care less about, and the reverse is also true. When differences in values and objetives are great, won´t enmity arise? I´ve thought about this quite extensively, and I believe that yes, large differences are what literally defines enmity.

In other words, I WANT to like people, but I don´t. My misantrophy has become so entrenched that I cannot share the sentiments it generates, things like being indifferent or even excited with large catatastrophes. Hatred, schadenfreude. I dont embrace or beautify in my mind this dysfunction, I know it sucks, but it doesn´t go away. I know it´s a me thing, although I still think society is objetively deceived/deceitful, hypocritical and is going in a truly dark direction.

I´ve lost count of the friendships that turned sour online. I stopped having real life friends a long time ago. I know for a fact that if I don´t become a content-with-it loner or overcome this, I will have to ctb in the future.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

Yes society is going in a very dark direction. I have some similar problems with making friends. I don't care about most things normal people care about and I can't fake it. I think I am overly selective about who I spend time with because I am hypersensitive and most people are not kind about having different opinions. However I don't despise people or feel excited about catastrophes. There is still a lot of good in the world. What helps me is seeking out people who have common interests and values. What do you care about besides the obvious?

 

[whatevs]

I care about the truth, meaning I like people to be honest and society not to be chasing ghosts and saying that ugly things are beautiful, or denying simple biological facts. I used to care about space travel, videogames, art, philosophy or science, but it's gone nowhere interesting to me, while tracking, human-controlling and social engineering technologies like smartphones or simulations have blossomed. Lol, I have become a mobile phone programmer myself. Coding is interesting, but all of this being used in a horrible way. Instead of exploring the Universe, we are all working to construct a neo-feudalist prison planet.

I guess I don't really know what I want in terms of lifestyle. Modernity is awful, but I am not sure about living off the land, particularly since I haven´t found people that click with me to live that way. That's always the real problem.

 

[Onthe29th]

For me, I wish more people were willing to point out the things that were wrong with me. I understand some people hate it but I would've loved that. No one tells me anything.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

Without truth and autonomy nothing else matters. We are indeed building a prison planet made of lies. That is why I became suicidal again and see no point in trying to recover again. I follow groups on Telegram and Facebook that help me feel less alone but they only help so much as the prison walls close in. Also, it often feels like the technology and social media has made us more isolated and socially awkward. I followed prepper groups in my area thinking I might want to live off the land but I'm really too sickly to live that way so I gave up on that idea. In prepper groups you get a wide variety of idealogical belief systems because people have different reasons for wanting to prep.

 

[whatevs]

For me, I wish more people were willing to point out the things that were wrong with me. I understand some people hate it but I would've loved that. No one tells me anything.

Oh boy, I have had LOADS of that, I could share some of it with you. I am surprised that you feel that way, people are quick to "diagnose" you once masks are off, meaning that for me what's hard is NOT be told what's wrong with me lol.

For example, if I talk about me feeling joyful about "bad things happening to a society I hate" or "I actually think sex is disgusting and I loathe a lot of what being alive implies" people will naturally wonder "so wtf is wrong with this person??".

Perhaps you haven't been completely transparent. Meaning that you don't need to share these feelings that I named, just feelings that are pathological as in "I find hard finding anything funny" or "people laughing genuinely makes me feel sad or angry because 99% of time I have to fakelaugh". Being depressed is definitely not normal or healthy, and if you really talk about it, you will see how people react. They are disgusted by it, in the best cases alarmed, but they will always declare in some way that something is wrong with you.

 

[Onthe29th]

Oh boy, I have had LOADS of that, I could share some of it with you. I am surprised that you feel that way, people are quick to "diagnose" you once masks are off, meaning that for me what's hard is NOT be told what's wrong with me lol.

For example, if I talk about me feeling joyful about "bad things happening to a society I hate" or "I actually think sex is disgusting and I loathe a lot of what being alive implies" people will naturally wonder "so wtf is wrong with this person??".

Perhaps you haven been completely transparent. Meaning that you don't need to share these feelings that I named, just feelings that are pathological as in "I find hard finding anything funny" or "people laughing genuinely makes me feel sad or angry because 99% of time I have to fakelaugh".

I think that's true too, moving to another state as a teen with no explaination really fucked me up as a teen. I developed serious attachment issues after that. I've gotten very good at fake laughing that's for sure…

 

[whatevs]

Without truth and autonomy nothing else matters. We are indeed building a prison planet made of lies. That is why I became suicidal again and see no point in trying to recover again. I follow groups on Telegram and Facebook that help me feel less alone but they only help so much as the prison walls close in. Also, it often feels like the technology and social media has made us more isolated and socially awkward. I followed prepper groups in my area thinking I might want to live off the land but I'm really too sickly to live that way so I gave up on that idea. In prepper groups you get a wide variety of idealogical belief systems because people have different reasons for wanting to prep.

We are very similar, I am also chronically ill, I am also on conspiracy-minded Telegrams and that sort of thing. We only differ significantly (with the info given in the thread) in that I would be like your shadow-self. Being different has made me hate people, not just feel alienated. This is related with narcissism, as all the fuckwits online will say that narcs feel "entitled" to things, and lash out when they don't get them.

So I guess I feel "entitled" to being understood and accepted in a group, and since it hasn't happened the narcissism kicks in. But arguably that's kinda of a basic thing that everyone should feel entitled to. The narcissism probably lies in the response, perhaps is more natural to just wither away and die or try to adapt (conform) than hating society when you are different.