Venting Deciding on CTB tomorrow - trying to gather my thoughts

[katyhere]

I feel very weird.
Part of me feels at peace with my decision, bored even. Part of me feels doubtful because of this peace, like I might lack the courage to do it because the idea of ending it all makes all the other stuff not important and therefore not so bad. But I realize that if I decide to continue to live, all the bad stuff will be bad again and it´s gonna be a never ending cycle. The only way out is out. What helps is my belief that perhaps I will have another life after this, one that is better. Wouldn´t it be great to be able to go from life to life untill we find one that we want to stay in. I feel a bit sedated, I can´t think clearly and I am certainly not feeling anything. I know I do this (not aware) thing where I put myself in a bubble so I pass time but there are no worries. I should pop it but the thing is I can be aware of my bubble but at the same time I am unable to pop it. Make it explode. I want to gather my thoughts before I actually decide on anything but it's hard. All day I have been going over and over and over it in my head/ how I will CTB.

Reasons to keep on living:
- Dreams. I always dream about the future, about the person I will be and how I will improve myself and my life. How I will chase my dreams and do something completely against the tides. I'll imagine myself laying in a field of flowers, looking at the sky and feeling at home. Maybe I can make things real after all?
- Love. The feeling of love is amazing. I might find love, a person, someone. It will make up for all the bad things.
- There is still places I want to go.
- I might be a bit scared of dying. It's just not something I am familiar with and I don't like doing things I have no experience in.

Reason to not keep on living:
- Shattered dreams. I never reach my goals, I always shatter my dreams and I have tried so many times to change myself but it never actually works out. My dreams and sparks of hope are all completely irrational.
- Life is boring. Even if you manage to make the best of life, it'll be boring. There is no way you can have fun all the time, you can only live a life you enjoy and have fun at times. But it's so average. What I also mean with this is that there is no higher goal or nothing. We live, we build our own reality, we die. If I'd like the society and era we are living in I would be okay with this, but I am not. I don't belong here, never have. So why whould I go along with it and pretend to believe in the lie when I don't even like to live this lie and in this made-up world.
- The bad outnumbers the good. I either feel depressed and terrible or I feel neutral. Barely ever do I feel really good. When the bad aboslutely outnumbers the good it makes no sense to keep on going.
- Being gone is gone. No more worries when I am gone. I overthink everything all day everyday, at night too. OI care so much about what other people think despite rationally knowing it makes no sense. I can worry now about why I maybe shouldn't ctb but when I am gone it doens't matter because I'll be death and unaware of it.
- Exhausted. I am exhausted. It's like I have been in a loop for years now. I will feel numb and nothing, I exist but I don't live, I have literally no idea where the days go. Then I will feel really sad, it will physically hurt and I don't even know where it's coming from. And then maybe I will have a good 2, on occasion 3, weeks where I have hope again. Then it comes rushing down (it always does) and I am in this loop again. And it's exhausting. I am just so damn tired. Having to drag on, pick myself up again, prepare for the fall.
- So unhappy with who I am. I know appearance isn't everything but I don't like who I am either nor what has become of my life.
- Social anxiety. It's impossible for me to not be aware of other people and not be worried about what other people think of me. It holds me back and I feel anxious all the time.
- Lack of meaning

Something I wrote on the subject some time ago and how I still feel about it:
"I think about dying a lot. All the time, honestly. If you ask me; I don't belong here. Never have and never will. Every day I am falling deeper into this hole, wasting more time and letting my life become more and more meaningless. It's giving me anxiety. I have to leave before there is nothing left, no one to grieve and nowhere to be burried. If I think about it nothing sparks my mind. What am I doing with my life? Why would it have meaning? Who are my friends? What is the point. The loneliness is killing me and I sabotage myself too much to be able to work on it. Hating myself, every inch of it. Appearance isn't everything but I hate what has become of me too. There is no good in me, trust me. The whole thing (life) just feels like a mess. And honestly I don't even want to repair it no more. I don't know what I am waiting around for. Probably shouldn't. But to go so alone, so cold, unloved. It's holding me back and terrifies me. For one more time I would like to feel loved, the one that you can feel in every part of your body. But then again, it's not going to happen. Life wasn't made for me and nothing good will come. This I know, rationally. Promised."

 

[Deleted member 1465]

That is so eloquent, expressive and emotive. You express your pain so well, I feel awful that you see life like this, but you kind of have a way of seeing the things that people don't want to see. That can be a blessing but is more usually a curse, as life can seem pretty pointless against the existential numbness that awareness so often brings.
You must feel torn, as you have listed reasons to stay as well as to go. I hope you can make the right choice for you.

 

[_Minsk]

I feel very weird.
Part of me feels at peace with my decision, bored even. Part of me feels doubtful because of this peace, like I might lack the courage to do it because the idea of ending it all makes all the other stuff not important and therefore not so bad. But I realize that if I decide to continue to live, all the bad stuff will be bad again and it´s gonna be a never ending cycle. The only way out is out. What helps is my belief that perhaps I will have another life after this, one that is better. Wouldn´t it be great to be able to go from life to life untill we find one that we want to stay in. I feel a bit sedated, I can´t think clearly and I am certainly not feeling anything. I know I do this (not aware) thing where I put myself in a bubble so I pass time but there are no worries. I should pop it but the thing is I can be aware of my bubble but at the same time I am unable to pop it. Make it explode. I want to gather my thoughts before I actually decide on anything but it's hard. All day I have been going over and over and over it in my head/ how I will CTB.

Reasons to keep on living:
- Dreams. I always dream about the future, about the person I will be and how I will improve myself and my life. How I will chase my dreams and do something completely against the tides. I'll imagine myself laying in a field of flowers, looking at the sky and feeling at home. Maybe I can make things real after all?
- Love. The feeling of love is amazing. I might find love, a person, someone. It will make up for all the bad things.
- There is still places I want to go.
- I might be a bit scared of dying. It's just not something I am familiar with and I don't like doing things I have no experience in.

Reason to not keep on living:
- Shattered dreams. I never reach my goals, I always shatter my dreams and I have tried so many times to change myself but it never actually works out. My dreams and sparks of hope are all completely irrational.
- Life is boring. Even if you manage to make the best of life, it'll be boring. There is no way you can have fun all the time, you can only live a life you enjoy and have fun at times. But it's so average. What I also mean with this is that there is no higher goal or nothing. We live, we build our own reality, we die. If I'd like the society and era we are living in I would be okay with this, but I am not. I don't belong here, never have. So why whould I go along with it and pretend to believe in the lie when I don't even like to live this lie and in this made-up world.
- The bad outnumbers the good. I either feel depressed and terrible or I feel neutral. Barely ever do I feel really good. When the bad aboslutely outnumbers the good it makes no sense to keep on going.
- Being gone is gone. No more worries when I am gone. I overthink everything all day everyday, at night too. OI care so much about what other people think despite rationally knowing it makes no sense. I can worry now about why I maybe shouldn't ctb but when I am gone it doens't matter because I'll be death and unaware of it.
- Exhausted. I am exhausted. It's like I have been in a loop for years now. I will feel numb and nothing, I exist but I don't live, I have literally no idea where the days go. Then I will feel really sad, it will physically hurt and I don't even know where it's coming from. And then maybe I will have a good 2, on occasion 3, weeks where I have hope again. Then it comes rushing down (it always does) and I am in this loop again. And it's exhausting. I am just so damn tired. Having to drag on, pick myself up again, prepare for the fall.
- So unhappy with who I am. I know appearance isn't everything but I don't like who I am either nor what has become of my life.
- Social anxiety. It's impossible for me to not be aware of other people and not be worried about what other people think of me. It holds me back and I feel anxious all the time.
- Lack of meaning

Something I wrote on the subject some time ago and how I still feel about it:
"I think about dying a lot. All the time, honestly. If you ask me; I don't belong here. Never have and never will. Every day I am falling deeper into this hole, wasting more time and letting my life become more and more meaningless. It's giving me anxiety. I have to leave before there is nothing left, no one to grieve and nowhere to be burried. If I think about it nothing sparks my mind. What am I doing with my life? Why would it have meaning? Who are my friends? What is the point. The loneliness is killing me and I sabotage myself too much to be able to work on it. Hating myself, every inch of it. Appearance isn't everything but I hate what has become of me too. There is no good in me, trust me. The whole thing (life) just feels like a mess. And honestly I don't even want to repair it no more. I don't know what I am waiting around for. Probably shouldn't. But to go so alone, so cold, unloved. It's holding me back and terrifies me. For one more time I would like to feel loved, the one that you can feel in every part of your body. But then again, it's not going to happen. Life wasn't made for me and nothing good will come. This I know, rationally. Promised."

wow, i could have written that. i relate soo much, whatever you decide, i hope you find Your path!
edit: as you wrote, it gives us peace to be open for ctb. the thing is the more we find comfort in that, the more we get pulled toward exiting this life since we slowly gravitate towards the things we keep in our minds..

 

[GirlInBlue]

It seems like you've really put a lot of thought into this decision. You seem to be able to communicate your thoughts well; you seem good at writing. If you can't make your dreams a reality, maybe you can make them into a story, and live through that in a way.
Of course, the decision is yours to make. I hope that whatever you decide, you can go forward in that decision and end up where you want to be.

 

[disconnection]

That really resonated with me, thank you for sharing. That sense of peace which comes when you start committing to the end and the false sense of security about life which ironically accompanies that peace!

My list of reasons for living is very short compared to yours, essentially consisting of ensuring I can't screw up my attempt (which would put me on the streets because I wouldn't be able to live where I am any more) and avoiding the distress I will cause others. Not enough reasons for me. It doesn't sound quite so clear cut for you so I wish you loads of luck working out the right way forward

 

[LostMyWay]

Every day I am falling deeper into this hole, wasting more time and letting my life become more and more meaningless. It's giving me anxiety.

This is exactly what I'm going through now. I've started neglecting important things in life, and wasting my time because I've lost my purpose and life now seems meaningless like you said. And that, in turn, makes me anxious. Especially because I have people that look up to me, and have high expectations for me. I don't want to let them down, and at the same time part of me just wants to say "fuck it" and go through with it anyways. Whatever you decide to end up doing, I hope you make the right decision for you man.

 

[Alec]

Your thoughts are like mine, I also put myself into that bible that I'm not sure how to pop and get out of it, and not sure how to gather my thoughts. And I hope for the same as you, that there will be another life, a better life hopefully. And I hope it would be looking for a life we feel is the best for us, like you said. It's amazing to me that our thoughts match so much on this. I want you to know that I'm with you, and I'm thinking about you and I love you and want to hug you so bad! No matter what your choice will be in the end and what you will end up doing, going through with it or not. I freaking love you! It's rare for me to find someone who thinks like me, I appreciate you so much, you have no idea what it means to me to find someone like me in thought! Thank you! You have to do what is best for you, and so do I, I understand, and no matter what I support you and want the best for you! Stay strong, and good luck!

Love,
—Alec.

 

[katyhere]

Thank you all for the responses . I still feel very torn. If I continue to live I most definietly need to make a change. Which means I need to look into the future, which is hard especially with the virus. If not for the virus I would apply for a work holiday visa in New Zealand right away. Quit my study, move to a new country with different people and different landscapes. Work, be outside. Read books and essays people wrote to learn of things I really care about. Give it another try. See what comes after. But knowing this is impossible, for god knows how long, makes me a lot less optimistic and dreamy. What to do, what to do. Came across this today, spoke to me:

"It may, after all, be the bad habit of creative talents to invest themselves in pathological extremes that yield remarkable insights but no durable way of life for those who cannot translate their psychic wounds into significant art or thought." - Theodore Roszak

Still I am torn in what to do. I appreciate it that this is a place where I can share what is on my mind.

 

[katyhere]

So I am still here. I just had a session with my therapist and she told me they are sending me elsewhere for help and I have to wait another 2 months. In the beginning of december was when I reached out for help, they are taking about half a year to offer me help. They have been sending me all around and have me wait for so long every damn time. This is so fucked up. But I can't talk about feeling suicidal, I just can't do it. If I don't I am sure I have to wait for 2 months and I am not so sure if I'll even fucking be here in 2 months but I don't know how to talk about this topic, who to, what to do.

 

[FriendofDeath]

So I am still here. I just had a session with my therapist and she told me they are sending me elsewhere for help and I have to wait another 2 months. In the beginning of december was when I reached out for help, they are taking about half a year to offer me help. They have been sending me all around and have me wait for so long every damn time. This is so fucked up. But I can't talk about feeling suicidal, I just can't do it. If I don't I am sure I have to wait for 2 months and I am not so sure if I'll even fucking be here in 2 months but I don't know how to talk about this topic, who to, what to do.

Where are they planning to send you? What kind of help can they provide that they aren't already? I read through your pro list and could picture that beautiful field of flowers. And the fact you still have dreams...that means there is still possibility. Can you focus on that for now? Peace to you!

 

[katyhere]

Where are they planning to send you? What kind of help can they provide that they aren't already? I read through your pro list and could picture that beautiful field of flowers. And the fact you still have dreams...that means there is still possibility. Can you focus on that for now? Peace to you!

For now they have only been indicating my problems and haven't started any treatment yet because our health system is extremely slow and inefficient. They will send me to a place where they think they can properly treat me and have the right expertise. You're right, I should keep focused on that beautiful field of flowers and other dreams. Sending love your way!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I hope it works out for you, I'm sorry you must be facing a scary future. I can understand you not wanting to mention suicidality to them too, that was my mistake, way back when.

 

[madgod]

I feel very weird.
Part of me feels at peace with my decision, bored even. Part of me feels doubtful because of this peace, like I might lack the courage to do it because the idea of ending it all makes all the other stuff not important and therefore not so bad. But I realize that if I decide to continue to live, all the bad stuff will be bad again and it´s gonna be a never ending cycle. The only way out is out. What helps is my belief that perhaps I will have another life after this, one that is better. Wouldn´t it be great to be able to go from life to life untill we find one that we want to stay in. I feel a bit sedated, I can´t think clearly and I am certainly not feeling anything. I know I do this (not aware) thing where I put myself in a bubble so I pass time but there are no worries. I should pop it but the thing is I can be aware of my bubble but at the same time I am unable to pop it. Make it explode. I want to gather my thoughts before I actually decide on anything but it's hard. All day I have been going over and over and over it in my head/ how I will CTB.

Reasons to keep on living:
- Dreams. I always dream about the future, about the person I will be and how I will improve myself and my life. How I will chase my dreams and do something completely against the tides. I'll imagine myself laying in a field of flowers, looking at the sky and feeling at home. Maybe I can make things real after all?
- Love. The feeling of love is amazing. I might find love, a person, someone. It will make up for all the bad things.
- There is still places I want to go.
- I might be a bit scared of dying. It's just not something I am familiar with and I don't like doing things I have no experience in.

Reason to not keep on living:
- Shattered dreams. I never reach my goals, I always shatter my dreams and I have tried so many times to change myself but it never actually works out. My dreams and sparks of hope are all completely irrational.
- Life is boring. Even if you manage to make the best of life, it'll be boring. There is no way you can have fun all the time, you can only live a life you enjoy and have fun at times. But it's so average. What I also mean with this is that there is no higher goal or nothing. We live, we build our own reality, we die. If I'd like the society and era we are living in I would be okay with this, but I am not. I don't belong here, never have. So why whould I go along with it and pretend to believe in the lie when I don't even like to live this lie and in this made-up world.
- The bad outnumbers the good. I either feel depressed and terrible or I feel neutral. Barely ever do I feel really good. When the bad aboslutely outnumbers the good it makes no sense to keep on going.
- Being gone is gone. No more worries when I am gone. I overthink everything all day everyday, at night too. OI care so much about what other people think despite rationally knowing it makes no sense. I can worry now about why I maybe shouldn't ctb but when I am gone it doens't matter because I'll be death and unaware of it.
- Exhausted. I am exhausted. It's like I have been in a loop for years now. I will feel numb and nothing, I exist but I don't live, I have literally no idea where the days go. Then I will feel really sad, it will physically hurt and I don't even know where it's coming from. And then maybe I will have a good 2, on occasion 3, weeks where I have hope again. Then it comes rushing down (it always does) and I am in this loop again. And it's exhausting. I am just so damn tired. Having to drag on, pick myself up again, prepare for the fall.
- So unhappy with who I am. I know appearance isn't everything but I don't like who I am either nor what has become of my life.
- Social anxiety. It's impossible for me to not be aware of other people and not be worried about what other people think of me. It holds me back and I feel anxious all the time.
- Lack of meaning

Something I wrote on the subject some time ago and how I still feel about it:
"I think about dying a lot. All the time, honestly. If you ask me; I don't belong here. Never have and never will. Every day I am falling deeper into this hole, wasting more time and letting my life become more and more meaningless. It's giving me anxiety. I have to leave before there is nothing left, no one to grieve and nowhere to be burried. If I think about it nothing sparks my mind. What am I doing with my life? Why would it have meaning? Who are my friends? What is the point. The loneliness is killing me and I sabotage myself too much to be able to work on it. Hating myself, every inch of it. Appearance isn't everything but I hate what has become of me too. There is no good in me, trust me. The whole thing (life) just feels like a mess. And honestly I don't even want to repair it no more. I don't know what I am waiting around for. Probably shouldn't. But to go so alone, so cold, unloved. It's holding me back and terrifies me. For one more time I would like to feel loved, the one that you can feel in every part of your body. But then again, it's not going to happen. Life wasn't made for me and nothing good will come. This I know, rationally. Promised."

don't be afraid of finding those small reasons to keep going. but on the same side of the coin it's often small reasons for leaving. if it's not the right time it's simply that, not the right time. do not punish yourself for either choice. if it comes it's the way it needs to be, nothing happens without reason.

 

[bornfree]

So I am still here. I just had a session with my therapist and she told me they are sending me elsewhere for help and I have to wait another 2 months. In the beginning of december was when I reached out for help, they are taking about half a year to offer me help. They have been sending me all around and have me wait for so long every damn time. This is so fucked up. But I can't talk about feeling suicidal, I just can't do it. If I don't I am sure I have to wait for 2 months and I am not so sure if I'll even fucking be here in 2 months but I don't know how to talk about this topic, who to, what to do.

your words helped me to decide to donate a tiny amount to a mental health charity that is fighting against waiting times.

What i recognise from your words quoted is they do not understand you or your individuality or how gods awful it is what you are going through. This is why they force me to live to keep on making me want to die. The are monsters. Monsters can't care. They would inflict the cruelty you are going through because they can't care. They're too evil to be able to care. They dont understand you or your individuality or your needs. If you are happy with too little too late then you'll be okay to trust they care about you.