pelicanportal
New Member
- Jan 28, 2026
- 4
Hello all,
I am freshly coming off of an "episode" that put me closer to suicide than I have ever been before. The prep is done, the loose ends are tied up, the method is sound. The problem is now that my emotions have cooled down and the desire for suicide fades and becomes background noise, the logic behind it is still there and I don't know if it is worth trying to continue or if I should wait for those emotions to peak again and go through with it.
The emotions being, I think, PMDD or Bipolar 2 or some combo of them. Extreme and relentless self-loathing and depression being the driving force.
The logic is, and I apologize for what feels like a vent, is that I am a lesbian woman near my mid 30's. I have some things in life, I have been through. Those things hurt and "scarred" me but I have mostly overcome them. Most of the time anyway. But still, I am extremely ugly and unattactive and have never had any luck dating. It is extremely discouraging because it is all I have ever wanted since before I even understood I was gay (different environment in the southern U.S. in the 90s). I get nothing. I deserve nothing. I am completely unlovable. Who could ever want me? Call me a femcel or lescel, but the loathing is at me not other women.
Then I recently quit my job in my dream field, working towards positions I wanted, because it was very toxic and I think a combo of bad timing, my failures, my neuroticism, ostracization, and bullshit drama put me in a place where I wasn't advancing when everyone else was. It made the self-loathing and loneliness completely unbearable. I relapsed badly and became extremely suicidal too frequently (I think PMDD escalated this). I was lucky in that I very quickly got a new job, it pays better, but in a different field entirely. And I should be grateful for this. Instead I am just distressed. I don't want to do this job. I want to keep working in my field. It feels so hopeless, I am at my mid 30s. By the end of this year, I wlll be closer to 50 than 20. I have NOTHING to show for it. I have nothing. I am a loser. I'm so ashamed of myself. Ugly inside and out.
Finally, I am trapped. I moved back home near the loss of a parent. That devastated me but I locked in and stayed stable for awhile after. Now I am stuck supporting the remaining parent. I can't ever seem to live alone again. I will never have my independence back. I love this parent but I feel like they can't remotely navigate or stay safe in this world. But I hate living with them. And I miss my other parent so much.
It is a lonely existence. I see people I care about and know their life would be completely fine, if not better, that I wasn't here. I make their lives worse. I don't deserve it but, so badly, I wish I could have known love. To "have" someone and be there for someone and give. I have so much love to give but no where I can give it, like volunteering or friendship or animals or nature, seems to want it that much. It hurts more than anything, the loneliness. I have always felt so isolated. I am just a freak. I am so shy but I have tried so hard and I am just a reject. I am embarassed of myself constantly. I am not religious and haven't been in decades but lately, in the same way people turn to religion in sickness before death, I find comfort in trying to make myself believe God could truly love me and if I die I can meet him in heaven and know his love. I want to believe.
So now that the emotions have cooled a bit, logically I am still drawn to suicide. It is my best option. So is it worth trying to recover and keep living? The loneliness and resulting self-loathing are truly unbearable, I can't even explain it. I wake up after a few hours of sleep and the hate comes down so strong and relentlessly I cry minutes after waking up. I cry throughout the day. Some nights I cry so long or so hard it fucks up my sinuses and makes them sore, and I think I had an infection recently from it. I can't make the thoughts stop. I am literally always thinking. I'm so tired. I can't endure it much longer. I wish things had been different. I wish I had been born different. Why go and try to get treatment for PMDD? Why try to bring up an old BP2 diagnosis that I've ignored for years? I lost my 20s to bad events and medications and therapy and never got anywhere with it. Why keep trying? I can't change who I am. No amount of CBT, DBT, self care, self love, none it stops the eternal relentless loathing. Every day hurts and I will always be alone. I will never be that special to anyone or anything. What do I do? What can I do that is worth doing? Please.
Sorry for the novel. Tl;dr, is it worth trying to get better when the future continues to look worse and suicide is the most rational and honorable way out?
e: I keep editing this and it gets worse Im sorry
I am freshly coming off of an "episode" that put me closer to suicide than I have ever been before. The prep is done, the loose ends are tied up, the method is sound. The problem is now that my emotions have cooled down and the desire for suicide fades and becomes background noise, the logic behind it is still there and I don't know if it is worth trying to continue or if I should wait for those emotions to peak again and go through with it.
The emotions being, I think, PMDD or Bipolar 2 or some combo of them. Extreme and relentless self-loathing and depression being the driving force.
The logic is, and I apologize for what feels like a vent, is that I am a lesbian woman near my mid 30's. I have some things in life, I have been through. Those things hurt and "scarred" me but I have mostly overcome them. Most of the time anyway. But still, I am extremely ugly and unattactive and have never had any luck dating. It is extremely discouraging because it is all I have ever wanted since before I even understood I was gay (different environment in the southern U.S. in the 90s). I get nothing. I deserve nothing. I am completely unlovable. Who could ever want me? Call me a femcel or lescel, but the loathing is at me not other women.
Then I recently quit my job in my dream field, working towards positions I wanted, because it was very toxic and I think a combo of bad timing, my failures, my neuroticism, ostracization, and bullshit drama put me in a place where I wasn't advancing when everyone else was. It made the self-loathing and loneliness completely unbearable. I relapsed badly and became extremely suicidal too frequently (I think PMDD escalated this). I was lucky in that I very quickly got a new job, it pays better, but in a different field entirely. And I should be grateful for this. Instead I am just distressed. I don't want to do this job. I want to keep working in my field. It feels so hopeless, I am at my mid 30s. By the end of this year, I wlll be closer to 50 than 20. I have NOTHING to show for it. I have nothing. I am a loser. I'm so ashamed of myself. Ugly inside and out.
Finally, I am trapped. I moved back home near the loss of a parent. That devastated me but I locked in and stayed stable for awhile after. Now I am stuck supporting the remaining parent. I can't ever seem to live alone again. I will never have my independence back. I love this parent but I feel like they can't remotely navigate or stay safe in this world. But I hate living with them. And I miss my other parent so much.
It is a lonely existence. I see people I care about and know their life would be completely fine, if not better, that I wasn't here. I make their lives worse. I don't deserve it but, so badly, I wish I could have known love. To "have" someone and be there for someone and give. I have so much love to give but no where I can give it, like volunteering or friendship or animals or nature, seems to want it that much. It hurts more than anything, the loneliness. I have always felt so isolated. I am just a freak. I am so shy but I have tried so hard and I am just a reject. I am embarassed of myself constantly. I am not religious and haven't been in decades but lately, in the same way people turn to religion in sickness before death, I find comfort in trying to make myself believe God could truly love me and if I die I can meet him in heaven and know his love. I want to believe.
So now that the emotions have cooled a bit, logically I am still drawn to suicide. It is my best option. So is it worth trying to recover and keep living? The loneliness and resulting self-loathing are truly unbearable, I can't even explain it. I wake up after a few hours of sleep and the hate comes down so strong and relentlessly I cry minutes after waking up. I cry throughout the day. Some nights I cry so long or so hard it fucks up my sinuses and makes them sore, and I think I had an infection recently from it. I can't make the thoughts stop. I am literally always thinking. I'm so tired. I can't endure it much longer. I wish things had been different. I wish I had been born different. Why go and try to get treatment for PMDD? Why try to bring up an old BP2 diagnosis that I've ignored for years? I lost my 20s to bad events and medications and therapy and never got anywhere with it. Why keep trying? I can't change who I am. No amount of CBT, DBT, self care, self love, none it stops the eternal relentless loathing. Every day hurts and I will always be alone. I will never be that special to anyone or anything. What do I do? What can I do that is worth doing? Please.
Sorry for the novel. Tl;dr, is it worth trying to get better when the future continues to look worse and suicide is the most rational and honorable way out?
e: I keep editing this and it gets worse Im sorry
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