YukiFox
Pastel demon
- Dec 8, 2018
- 320
Hi to all. Some people know about my story, and my searching for answers to my struggles I think I've found some responses on about gender transition, and my life after that as a trans woman. Cool, it worked some weeks. In fact, I've been logout this site all this week to not thinking about my own death, even I tried partial in the past two weeks.
Anyway, my problems increased, the workplace ones for being exactly. I'm afraid that I can lose my job at any moment because of a pair of errors (I work on an hostel and lost a reservation because of overbooking that I could being prevented), and that frightens me a lot.
Also, as a migrant, I have problems with my documentation, because in theory my residence was approved, but my ID isn't ready yet, and without that ID I can't afford a formal job and open a bank account, necessarily to work on formal way. So I don't have a imediate bright future on my way, only more and more problems and I'll have the struggle of unemployment and dealing with the shame to ask for another borrow that I don't pay yer the another ones.
The real problem is that episode of fucked up on my job threatens me and brings to my mind a serious death rush thoughts. In fact, before I publish this thread, I was tempted to publish the Partner thread instead. But on a less frightened state I decided to venting first and not to start again my CTB plan right now.
I negotiate with myself about the suicide. I consider all the consequences, all the posibilites, one of them to provoke a serious legal situation about my body since I'm in a foreign country and surely my family can't afford the expatriation of my remains. I'm still considered, and accept it as a desirable and peaceful way to die. Perhaps I only can wait about what will happen with my job and case solved, but I was temped even today to ran away and hang in any corner that I can found since I don't want to hang on the hostel to not avoid more problems to my boss.
Anyway, this isn't an emergency. And my crisis isn't strong enough to call the 911-like here or an so-called "life" phones. This is 50% help and v50% venting post since I was never so close to the serious planning about CTB.
And a suggestion to others on same or similar situations: I think we must wait to the storm cast away from our lives. But if the storm continues, we have the right to die. Period.
Cries
Anyway, my problems increased, the workplace ones for being exactly. I'm afraid that I can lose my job at any moment because of a pair of errors (I work on an hostel and lost a reservation because of overbooking that I could being prevented), and that frightens me a lot.
Also, as a migrant, I have problems with my documentation, because in theory my residence was approved, but my ID isn't ready yet, and without that ID I can't afford a formal job and open a bank account, necessarily to work on formal way. So I don't have a imediate bright future on my way, only more and more problems and I'll have the struggle of unemployment and dealing with the shame to ask for another borrow that I don't pay yer the another ones.
The real problem is that episode of fucked up on my job threatens me and brings to my mind a serious death rush thoughts. In fact, before I publish this thread, I was tempted to publish the Partner thread instead. But on a less frightened state I decided to venting first and not to start again my CTB plan right now.
I negotiate with myself about the suicide. I consider all the consequences, all the posibilites, one of them to provoke a serious legal situation about my body since I'm in a foreign country and surely my family can't afford the expatriation of my remains. I'm still considered, and accept it as a desirable and peaceful way to die. Perhaps I only can wait about what will happen with my job and case solved, but I was temped even today to ran away and hang in any corner that I can found since I don't want to hang on the hostel to not avoid more problems to my boss.
Anyway, this isn't an emergency. And my crisis isn't strong enough to call the 911-like here or an so-called "life" phones. This is 50% help and v50% venting post since I was never so close to the serious planning about CTB.
And a suggestion to others on same or similar situations: I think we must wait to the storm cast away from our lives. But if the storm continues, we have the right to die. Period.
Cries
