Anarchy
Invisible anarchist
- Jul 9, 2018
- 383
You're ready to die, and you know the method. It's simple enough, in theory. And maybe it's not even scary until the later stages of the method.
You order stuff on the internet anyway - what difference is it to order a rope, or drugs, which you might have ordered before for everyday use?
Getting to that high building shouldn't be scary in itself, right? Only once you're at the top. Driving there, is not unlike any trip you've done, from a practical view - I mean, might be the same distance and same sort of place you usually go.
The first stages in the plan should be easy. It should be only the later stages that are hard. But the early stages are hard. So it's not just the one hard act of killing yourself, but that and all the preparation, some of which would be mundane if not for the intent, but are still terrifying.
So you put it off, and put it off, and you're so scared that you go from actively planning and arranging to just waiting for the ideal time to come, when it's easier, but you know that there'll never be an ideal time.
And then you're scared that you'll be just one of many people who can't take their life because it's too difficult, or that you'll be one of the unlucky people who survive with a messed-up body.
And you start to wonder if you'll ever go by suicide...
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever go at all. Logically, I know that everyone dies, but sometimes it seems like everyone else's deaths are just stories or a trick or an illusion or very rare. Sometimes I don't even believe that suicide is possible - it seems too good to be true, and I can only imagine death for those who don't die of suicide. Sometimes it feels like you can't achieve death by suicide because death is meant to be neutral, or bad, and just something that happens, and that you can't bring death to end all of your problems, so to speak, because that would be too ideal.
It just seems surreal that a natural process could end all of one's problems.
I keep feeling like suicide will never happen for me because it's just not the way things are, and I can't end all my suffering with my own decision - it has to be something that happens without my input.
Typically, when someone thinks of death they think of death coming to that person, rather than the other way around.
It kind of feels like a gift that you must be given and it doesn't work if you take it yourself.
I know it's irrational. I know I'll die if my body is damaged enough.
But death still often feels like...an urban legend, I guess?
Sometimes I feel like the prospect of death is just a trap meant to lure me into injuring myself so that I shall get locked up, and that even if I do the most fool-proof method there is, it won't work and it'll just get me hospitalised.
I feel like death is impossible unless you meet the right requirements: being old, having serious physical health problems, etc, and that people spread the myth that death is available to all so they know who to lock up and so they can lock them up without consequences.
Like you can't have death unless a doctor says that it's possible and thinks it's morally acceptable.
I hate how loads of people are made to feel prosecuted and paranoid for exercising their own choice and freedom.
I envy those who can view it all in a completely practical, logical manner and not hesitate to do it once they're ready, as if it's an everyday decision.
You order stuff on the internet anyway - what difference is it to order a rope, or drugs, which you might have ordered before for everyday use?
Getting to that high building shouldn't be scary in itself, right? Only once you're at the top. Driving there, is not unlike any trip you've done, from a practical view - I mean, might be the same distance and same sort of place you usually go.
The first stages in the plan should be easy. It should be only the later stages that are hard. But the early stages are hard. So it's not just the one hard act of killing yourself, but that and all the preparation, some of which would be mundane if not for the intent, but are still terrifying.
So you put it off, and put it off, and you're so scared that you go from actively planning and arranging to just waiting for the ideal time to come, when it's easier, but you know that there'll never be an ideal time.
And then you're scared that you'll be just one of many people who can't take their life because it's too difficult, or that you'll be one of the unlucky people who survive with a messed-up body.
And you start to wonder if you'll ever go by suicide...
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever go at all. Logically, I know that everyone dies, but sometimes it seems like everyone else's deaths are just stories or a trick or an illusion or very rare. Sometimes I don't even believe that suicide is possible - it seems too good to be true, and I can only imagine death for those who don't die of suicide. Sometimes it feels like you can't achieve death by suicide because death is meant to be neutral, or bad, and just something that happens, and that you can't bring death to end all of your problems, so to speak, because that would be too ideal.
It just seems surreal that a natural process could end all of one's problems.
I keep feeling like suicide will never happen for me because it's just not the way things are, and I can't end all my suffering with my own decision - it has to be something that happens without my input.
Typically, when someone thinks of death they think of death coming to that person, rather than the other way around.
It kind of feels like a gift that you must be given and it doesn't work if you take it yourself.
I know it's irrational. I know I'll die if my body is damaged enough.
But death still often feels like...an urban legend, I guess?
Sometimes I feel like the prospect of death is just a trap meant to lure me into injuring myself so that I shall get locked up, and that even if I do the most fool-proof method there is, it won't work and it'll just get me hospitalised.
I feel like death is impossible unless you meet the right requirements: being old, having serious physical health problems, etc, and that people spread the myth that death is available to all so they know who to lock up and so they can lock them up without consequences.
Like you can't have death unless a doctor says that it's possible and thinks it's morally acceptable.
I hate how loads of people are made to feel prosecuted and paranoid for exercising their own choice and freedom.
I envy those who can view it all in a completely practical, logical manner and not hesitate to do it once they're ready, as if it's an everyday decision.
