Death decided upon

[khscarymovie]

I often wondered on the deserved nature of death, why some have no choice and are forced out of life. When in continued life I am still in internal detached and diminishing perspective. Through waste in self harm and attempts to get close to control and understanding of death and it's placement I find the world would have been a better place if I was not here and instead could have traded in life with someone passed. I asked my mom if she would have preferred my brother to die instead of me and it broke her down, she has stayed up late at night now due to my harm and now I make her even worse for ware, by sharing my inner thoughts, but if he was alive I doubt he would be living the horois life I am, even if self deserved on my part. Victims of school shootings have to cower down in quick unexpected, unimaginable tension to have their life rapidly and violently end, and it hurt in the end. It is not clean to be shot to death, and have your body with no more control collapse to the ground, bleed out, and take everything inside of you away and you seize and to my live your last moments in uncontrollably pain. A lot of school shootings victims were suicidal as well and even had suicide attempts of their own, so in their last moments the world brought them punishment and damnation as they sat still in their own pain and worry. The world brought them sorrow that never let up and they were rewarded with uncompassionate brutality as their last perception of a place that had already pressured them into uncertainty of if they had belonged here. My brother did not die that way, he was only a baby and had no inclination of the brain injury he sustained, but I'll never know the amount of pain he had to unknowingly went through before he stopped breathing and left the world up only knowing his primitive infancy. If death must occur than I don't know why it can't be brought on those deserved to like me. If this is the end of the passage for some then why must those who can move on and live fulfilled prosperous lives have to die in unearned viciousness? I would have waited and let the head trauma take me in my knowing pain and allow my brother to live a better life of fulfilment than I may never have.