dating and bpd

[ctemourge]

i feel like im not good enough or deserving enough for the healthy relationship im in. it scares me to death. nobody could ever love me. be nice to me. notice me. hear me out. comfort me. there has to be something wrong about this right? theres something missing. i have this impending sense of doom. i really do. i put so many walls up. im scared to let him get too close. im not at all what anyone could love. im messy. im mean. im mentally ill. i dont want to get better. its not a place i want someone whos so good to me to be. how could someone want to want me? its like having a house set on fire and just sitting inside letting it burn you because you're so used to the pain. but why is he trying to put out the fire? cool down my burns? people fucking die for this. people would kill for the love i've received. and yet. i just feel as if its not real. nobody could ever love someone like me. im so used to cheating and lying and constant fighting. this is really bad on my anxiety and i feel so guilty about it. oh well. i deserve it
can anyone relate? or am i selfish and alone? its okay to tell me the truth. i just feel so useless. good or bad i cant ever get it right
i need to genuinely get my ctb plans together

 

[Namelesa]

While I am not diagnosed with bpd I relate to a lot of the symptoms of it. I feel like I don't deserve anything either and think I am completely worthless and so think I deserve to be treated badly but at the same time desire to be loved and valued. I am paranoid of doing anything wrong or showing too much of myself cus of fear of them hating me and/or abandoning me and so feel constant anxiety. I feel like I am too much of an emotionally burden on others as people don't know how to help me when I feel intense emotions and mental pain and feel guilty about that. This is how I felt during my 2nd relationship. We both had mental problems that made each feel worse and increased our mental issues in certain ways and it ended after a year and a bit.

I don't think you are selfish. You are just in such overwhelming pain that you are desperate to get out of.

 

[Tonic_Secrecy]

You're certainly not alone. I, myself, also feel like I don't deserve the relationship I'm in—that I can never provide the things she needs. No matter how hard I even attempt to try, it'll never be good enough because I simply don't deserve her.

I don't want to get better either. I want it to be over, but I also don't want it to cause her any harm. I don't want to hurt her. Being in the relationship ramps up my anxiety because I'm asexual, and I don't think I can satisfy her in those ways either. The pressure of existing, of being good enough—it's enough to break a person down.

Being in the mindset I'm in, I don't think I should personally be in a relationship. It'll only serve to bring her down as far as I've gone. However, I've seen people who thought the same way get into relationships—good ones—and get better, at least as far as I know. So, I'm conflicted. I don't know whether to continue going or just take my way out.

But no, I don't think you're selfish, and I don't think that feeling like you're not worthy or deserving of something good that's happening to you is a habit you should try to get rid of—though I know it's hard to do.

I hope that whatever you decide, you find your peace.

 

[ctemourge]

thank you both for making me feel so seen and not crazy for how i feel. i hope we all find peace one day. i know other people are worthy of love , even you two ! even if we are strangers. i hope that we all find the quiet and calm in the storm one day

 

[BlueButterfly111]

My boyfriend was bipolar, but I didn't even know it until he passed away and his sister told me, but I saw the signs. I still loved him and I wish he was here so bad. I promise there is people out there who will love you. He's been gone for almost 7 months now, and I wish I could have him back more than anything every day. I would've done anything for him, he was the most beautiful person. You are worthy of love.

 

[ctemourge]

My boyfriend was bipolar, but I didn't even know it until he passed away and his sister told me, but I saw the signs. I still loved him and I wish he was here so bad. I promise there is people out there who will love you. He's been gone for almost 7 months now, and I wish I could have him back more than anything every day. I would've done anything for him, he was the most beautiful person. You are worthy of love.

im so sorry for your loss thank you for your kind words.