Dark thoughts

[gr1lledcheese]

Usually when I think about ctb, I think about how my friends and family might react to the news, but lately I've been thinking about what my experience might be like.

And maybe it's only because the end is soon (or at least my end), but last night I had the most horrifying nightmare. Even after waking up to go to the bathroom and going back to sleep I continued dreaming it. Normally when I go back to sleep my dreams change. I'm pretty sure it's because of what I've been thinking about, but I dreamt of murder.

Apparently I'd murdered someone in my dream, because my friend in the dream brought someone home to kill, and told me I'd influenced them. That horrified me because I didn't see that in myself. I thought I was kind, and wouldn't hurt people, yet the dream me wasn't that way. I guess I'm trying to tell myself not to do it.

But I don't really have a choice anymore.

 

[chocolatebar]

Dreams can be enigmatic and confusing. The fact that you have dreamed of yourself killing people doesn't mean you would do it in real life. You don't have to carry a burden you don't have. If you feel like a kind person, there's no reason to rethink it because of a dream.

What do you mean by not having a choice?

 

[Euthanza]

I had this kinda continued dream once, but I have a friend that testified he has the capability to do it often if the time interval between wake up and back to sleep again is not so long.

 

[gr1lledcheese]

Dreams can be enigmatic and confusing. The fact that you have dreamed of yourself killing people doesn't mean you would do it in real life. You don't have to carry a burden you don't have. If you feel like a kind person, there's no reason to rethink it because of a dream.

What do you mean by not having a choice?

Late response I know, but life is just too busy anymore.
I know I would never hurt anyone. I think the dream was saying that if I couldn't hurt someone else, then how could I hurt myself.

I don't have a choice when it comes to ctb. I've painted myself into a corner. After this week I won't have a place to live. Hence my decision to ctb next weekend. This weekend I'm treating myself to some things I love. Going to see a couple movies I've been wanting to see; get a sandwich at my favorite place. Finish a good book. Stuff like that.

I had this kinda continued dream once, but I have a friend that testified he has the capability to do it often if the time interval between wake up and back to sleep again is not so long.

Interesting. There've been times I've woken up and wanted to go back to a dream, but it doesn't happen. Just my luck that it happened this time.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not a dream expert but I did read that all the people in our dreams are not actually other people but elements of ourselves. Maybe it is just natural nervousness surrounding ctb that is surfacing in your dream. Afterall, suicide is effectively murdering ourselves.

I have had that experience too- of waking from and then re-entering a dream and frustratingly- it's never a nice dream this happens with. I wonder if it's just the fact that we find these dreams so disturbing that they are hard to shake from our minds. Quite often have reoccurring dreams too which I feel like should be trying to tell me something but they're usually pretty horrible too!

 

[gr1lledcheese]

I'm not a dream expert but I did read that all the people in our dreams are not actually other people but elements of ourselves. Maybe it is just natural nervousness surrounding ctb that is surfacing in your dream. Afterall, suicide is effectively murdering ourselves.

I have had that experience too- of waking from and then re-entering a dream and frustratingly- it's never a nice dream this happens with. I wonder if it's just the fact that we find these dreams so disturbing that they are hard to shake from our minds. Quite often have reoccurring dreams too which I feel like should be trying to tell me something but they're usually pretty horrible too!

Exactly! There've been many dreams I've wanted to go back to, but of course I don't. It's annoying.

That makes sense- about people in our dreams being elements of ourselves. And I am very nervous about ctb this next weekend. There are things I need to do beforehand, things I'd planned to do today, but other things came up. Now I have less time to do them in.

 

[chocolatebar]

Late response I know, but life is just too busy anymore.
I know I would never hurt anyone. I think the dream was saying that if I couldn't hurt someone else, then how could I hurt myself.

I don't have a choice when it comes to ctb. I've painted myself into a corner. After this week I won't have a place to live. Hence my decision to ctb next weekend. This weekend I'm treating myself to some things I love. Going to see a couple movies I've been wanting to see; get a sandwich at my favorite place. Finish a good book. Stuff like that.

Interesting. There've been times I've woken up and wanted to go back to a dream, but it doesn't happen. Just my luck that it happened this time.

Now I understand what you meant. So sorry for your situation...

Are you still there? I'm worried.

Have you already explained your situation before, in another thread?

 

[gr1lledcheese]

Now I understand what you meant. So sorry for your situation...

Are you still there? I'm worried.

Have you already explained your situation before, in another thread?

I have, but it was a while back. Probably last December. I'm 60 now, and am unable to support myself financially. I can work, but I'm not good enough at anything to earn a decent living. I've been renting rooms from people for a good 20 years or so, and I just can't keep moving. I've had to move 6 times in the last 7 years. I don't have it in me to do it anymore. I've been staying at a friends house since January, and now it's time for me to leave. I had a couple opportunities to rent a room during this time but both options fell through. I've told her I have a place to move to, and when I told her that it was true. Half hour later it fell through and I couldn't bring myself to tell her. So I'm going to get a hotel room this weekend and ctb there.

 

[chocolatebar]

I have, but it was a while back. Probably last December. I'm 60 now, and am unable to support myself financially. I can work, but I'm not good enough at anything to earn a decent living. I've been renting rooms from people for a good 20 years or so, and I just can't keep moving. I've had to move 6 times in the last 7 years. I don't have it in me to do it anymore. I've been staying at a friends house since January, and now it's time for me to leave. I had a couple opportunities to rent a room during this time but both options fell through. I've told her I have a place to move to, and when I told her that it was true. Half hour later it fell through and I couldn't bring myself to tell her. So I'm going to get a hotel room this weekend and ctb there.

I wish I had at least the words to comfort you, but I can't even comfort myself,

Accept my virtual hug

You're a great person and don't deserve any of this. This world is really unfair and a bad place to be in :(

 

[gr1lledcheese]

Usually when I think about ctb, I think about how my friends and family might react to the news, but lately I've been thinking about what my experience might be like.

And maybe it's only because the end is soon (or at least my end), but last night I had the most horrifying nightmare. Even after waking up to go to the bathroom and going back to sleep I continued dreaming it. Normally when I go back to sleep my dreams change. I'm pretty sure it's because of what I've been thinking about, but I dreamt of murder.

Apparently I'd murdered someone in my dream, because my friend in the dream brought someone home to kill, and told me I'd influenced them. That horrified me because I didn't see that in myself. I thought I was kind, and wouldn't hurt people, yet the dream me wasn't that way. I guess I'm trying to tell myself not to do it.

But I don't really have a choice anymore.

Update: I got the hotel room, and I've started the two day process. This time I made sure to alter the plan to fit my sleep schedule, so I'm taking the first antiemetic at 5am - not 8. It's too hard for me to stay up until midnight.
At this point I'm on track to ctb at 8-9 pm Sunday. Maybe I'll even watch the first episode of House of the Dragon before I go.
On a more serious note, I called my sister (she lives in another state), and found out she'd fallen recently, and had to go to the ER. She's on the mend now, thankfully. I'm glad I got to tell her I love her one last time.

 

[Jrmull1993]

@gr1lledcheese I'm glad you've been able to clear your mind a bit. Having a well thought out plan is definitely a major anxiety reliever.

Sending all the best wishes your way.

 

[gr1lledcheese]

I'm on my way now. I've followed the steps. Next is the last one where I take the SN. That'll be at 9pm PST.
Thanks to everyone here who's helped me.

 

[atonofdespair24]

I'm on my way now. I've followed the steps. Next is the last one where I take the SN. That'll be at 9pm PST.
Thanks to everyone here who's helped me.

Good luck and safe travels

 

[gr1lledcheese]

The bottle was hard to open. Needed a pair of scissors to get itbopen

 

[WearyHSP]

I'm not a dream expert but I did read that all the people in our dreams are not actually other people but elements of ourselves. Maybe it is just natural nervousness surrounding ctb that is surfacing in your dream. Afterall, suicide is effectively murdering ourselves.

That's a commonly held belief. Dreams represent parts of ourselves. It makes sense the dream is a way of processing your intentions to ctb.

gr1lledcheese wishing you a peaceful journey to the other side.

 

[LeavingEarly]

The bottle was hard to open. Needed a pair of scissors to get itbopen

safe travels. I hope you have peace. Keep us updated.