Venting Damn. I wish I was more suicidal.

[jodes2]

My SN just arrived which I'm extremely grateful for now I for certain have a way out I can do. But what sucks is I'm not particularly suicidal, I just logically know I need to use it before my dad dies. He's in his 70s and is in ok health at the moment, but once he's gone it'll be too late, I need to CTB at his house cos he can deal with a dead body unlike my girlfriend. My father looks after me, takes me to psych appointments, does my paperwork for me etc, there's no way I can see myself coping without him. I suppose once my dad's gone I could do it in the woods or something but I'm not very comfortable with that. I could go to a hotel but it would raise suspicion with my gf.

So how long til I'm properly suicidal again? How long will it be?? Will I need to force myself to CTB, or can I wait until the urges make it more natural? I felt more suicidal when I was arguing with my gf but I don't want her to think it's her fault, so the timing might be bad. My life is empty so I don't have many other triggers at the moment. Maybe a deep depression will return and whisk me away. I'm nearly off my antidepressants, I don't know if they'll be putting me on any more, maybe that'll help, not that I think it did much to start with.

I don't want to be awake anymore. I hope that feeling escalates.

Thanks for reading

 

[hamvil]

Hi @jodes2, very nice post.

I feel in general tired of this life more or less everyday. Sometimes I manage to get distracted from all the awful things of this life to the point of forgetting for a moment that I want to CTB. I spent the last two months in my house in the woods and it helped a bit. Now I am back to the real world and all my responsibilities are coming back. It is three days that I have panic attacks in my house and my wife was very close to call the ambulance. Luckly she did not do it because I was screaming that I want to kill myself.

My plan now is to check how it could go with pagaos or dignitas. I have registered with the latter and will slowly push the required paperwork. Not sure if I will be able to find a friend to come with me but I will face that problem later.

I also feel very tired and find peace only when I sleep (not much lately). I stopped taking any meds because I hope that this will make me more suicidal. LIke you I hope the feeling escalates. On the other hand if the plan with dignitas works then it will not be a rush decision but it will have to be a full commitment. Let's see how it goes.

Feeling tired.

 

[jodes2]

Hi @jodes2, very nice post.

I feel in general tired of this life more or less everyday. Sometimes I manage to get distracted from all the awful things of this life to the point of forgetting for a moment that I want to CTB. I spent the last two months in my house in the woods and it helped a bit. Now I am back to the real world and all my responsibilities are coming back. It is three days that I have panic attacks in my house and my wife was very close to call the ambulance. Luckly she did not do it because I was screaming that I want to kill myself.

My plan now is to check how it could go with pagaos or dignitas. I have registered with the latter and will slowly push the required paperwork. Not sure if I will be able to find a friend to come with me but I will face that problem later.

I also feel very tired and find peace only when I sleep (not much lately). I stopped taking any meds because I hope that this will make me more suicidal. LIke you I hope the feeling escalates. On the other hand if the plan with dignitas works then it will not be a rush decision but it will have to be a full commitment. Let's see how it goes.

Feeling tired.

Yeah I thought about Pegasos, but the paperwork is a big hurdle, and I can't take anyone with me to Identify my body afterwards cos they could go to prison in the UK for getting involved! At least with SN I can take it more or less on impulse. Committing 10k of my parents money for Pegasos while I'm unsure in any way is not palatable

 

[freedompass]

My SN just arrived which I'm extremely grateful for now I for certain have a way out I can do. But what sucks is I'm not particularly suicidal, I just logically know I need to use it before my dad dies. He's in his 70s and is in ok health at the moment, but once he's gone it'll be too late, I need to CTB at his house cos he can deal with a dead body unlike my girlfriend. My father looks after me, takes me to psych appointments, does my paperwork for me etc, there's no way I can see myself coping without him. I suppose once my dad's gone I could do it in the woods or something but I'm not very comfortable with that. I could go to a hotel but it would raise suspicion with my gf.

So how long til I'm properly suicidal again? How long will it be?? Will I need to force myself to CTB, or can I wait until the urges make it more natural? I felt more suicidal when I was arguing with my gf but I don't want her to think it's her fault, so the timing might be bad. My life is empty so I don't have many other triggers at the moment. Maybe a deep depression will return and whisk me away. I'm nearly off my antidepressants, I don't know if they'll be putting me on any more, maybe that'll help, not that I think it did much to start with.

I don't want to be awake anymore. I hope that feeling escalates.

Thanks for reading

Killing yourself in your elderly father's house after you say he's done everything for you, is kind of a dick move, no?

 

[jodes2]

Killing yourself in your elderly father's house after you say he's done everything for you, is kind of a dick move, no?

I've talked to him about suicide while living with him and he said he'd understand. It would be one last favour to me which I'd be extremely grateful for. He'd just have to phone someone to collect the body., It's not that hard if he's prepared for it

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a difficult situation to be in, but at least you have the option of SN for when the time is right to leave this world. Best wishes.

 

[jodes2]

That does sound like a difficult situation to be in, but at least you have the option of SN for when the time is right to leave this world. Best wishes.

Tyvm :)

 

[blackwidow]

I'm not really understanding this one.. you want to ctb.. but you don't.. so your dad is OK with you ctb? am I right.,but you don't really feel like it at the moment.

 

[jodes2]

I'm not really understanding this one.. you want to ctb.. but you don't.. so your dad is OK with you ctb? am I right.,but you don't really feel like it at the moment.

Correct. I want to CTB but don't have the incentive, I'm not suffering enough ATM to put others through the pain of grief. And my dad is ok with my CTB, as much as he can be.