Venting DAE feel like an impostor?

[Symbiote]

Being in depression and suicidal for so long, but also able to function by having a job, doing normal day shit, and have hobbies, makes me feel like I'm a fraud. Had a rough time last night as I combed through my memories in finding reasons why I think so. An instance of having to remember a conversation where I'm explaining to someone about my issues and the first thing they say is, "I don't believe you." Does my voice give off tones of lying? Or manipulation? There's a difference between "I don't believe you" vs "I don't believe it". The former is more personal. Something I had to juggle for many years, through many therapists, loved ones, etc., only to be told that they don't believe me until I end up in the ICU. I literally can walk in the middle of a busy outdoor event and loudly yell "I will kill myself", and people would think I'm an asshole. If I'm sad and on the verge of tears at an outdoor event with people around, they would think I'm either a pussy or manipulative. Just can't win with emotions and then trying to rationally explain to them only to have them tell you that they don't believe a damn thing I say, makes me think that I DON'T MATTER.

I research often, I quote my sources if need be to prove a point and they still don't believe me. Even worse, they'll go to my quoted source, read it, and then suddenly exclaim, "Oh wow, see they're right, I told you so!" Wait what? I just said the same thing but you didn't believe me at all. Deal with that on a daily basis and I realized that my "aura" makes people second guess my intentions or motives. I'm not lying about things, nor am I manipulative. I'm sorry that my voice has been tainted by depression and mental illness that it's not as assertive as it once was. Another reason why I don't belong on this Earth....

Thanks for listening to me rant.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Maybe you "look" shady or dark tetrad. If you appear well put-together it might go against people's narrow view of what a suicidal person looks like, etc.

 

[feast or famine]

I get what you mean. I have a job, go to school, I'm physically well put together, etc. I probably don't fit into the stereotype of what a suicidal person "looks" like. The vast majority of people that don't know me well wouldn't believe my multiple suicide attempts, my handful of psychward stays, or the fact I have what I need to do the job if it comes down to that.

You're not a fraud at all. Mental illness looks different for everyone and just because we appear more on the functional side of things doesn't invalidate our struggles and how difficult they are. The people that refuse to believe what's in right in front of their faces are the same people who would cry at our funerals if it went that way. "I wish I would have known." "There were no signs." Bullshit. People are just ignorant and don't want to open up their eyes until it's too late.

I just don't care enough to explain myself to anyone or "prove" myself because I don't have to. People can think what they want about me. My trauma and the way I feel on a daily basis are valid. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

 

[Symbiote]

Maybe you "look" shady or dark tetrad. If you appear well put-together it might go against people's narrow view of what a suicidal person looks like, etc.

Thought you said I look like a dark retard.....lol.

I appear well put together, but one look at my face tells otherwise if they get to look at my face since it's always cast downward. I skirt the edge of hiding it all and revealing some. Constant vigilance of my emotions until I there's a good time to tell all, by then it's too late and they've already judged me.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Thought you said I look like a dark retard.....lol.

Edit: laughing IRL for tens of seconds at this shit.

I skirt the edge of hiding it all and revealing some. Constant vigilance of my emotions until I there's a good time to tell all,

This would give off the impression of hiding something, wanting something from others and being manipulative. It's not, but it will seem that way.

 

[AE2021]

Wow....All of what you said really resonates with me. I think you are right about the part that we can pull it together to be functional in certain respects, which then leads to people not hearing / believing when we express the depressive and suicidal side. I am at the point where I just keep it to myself in real life, which is why finding Sanctioned Suicide has been a relief. People here believe the suicidal part and understand it can have many varied faces. And I too have experienced situations where I was not believed, only for others to then accept and believe it when heard from another source. It is puzzling. Why assume that I am lying? That was one of my mother and brothers favorite maneuvers when I was a small child. No matter what I said they called me a liar. It was so surreal. It is a tough world with a serious lack of empathy and compassion. Know that you are not alone with this. Thanks for the post.

 

[BandAddict]

It's so invalidating, I'm sorry. I feel like people don't want to believe it, either, or that depression and suicidality always look the same on the outside. That just isn't true. There's such a thing as high-functioning depression, people seem to forget that.

 

[Symbiote]

Wow....All of what you said really resonates with me. I think you are right about the part that we can pull it together to be functional in certain respects, which then leads to people not hearing / believing when we express the depressive and suicidal side. I am at the point where I just keep it to myself in real life, which is why finding Sanctioned Suicide has been a relief. People here believe the suicidal part and understand it can have many varied faces. And I too have experienced situations where I was not believed, only for others to then accept and believe it when heard from another source. It is puzzling. Why assume that I am lying? That was one of my mother and brothers favorite maneuvers when I was a small child. No matter what I said they called me a liar. It was so surreal. It is a tough world with a serious lack of empathy and compassion. Know that you are not alone with this. Thanks for the post.

Without Sanctioned, I would've been dead by now, consumed by my own self-deprecating thoughts and mental illness. At least here I have a bit of humor and creativity to go around and it's okay, whereas if I did it in society, I be cast down and locked up in the looney bin. This part of me feels like it was conditioned when I was a kid, so I second-guess myself at times while others do it to me. It's rough and thanks for posting your story on it. Makes me feel a bit better.