Dad, only family and friend, now dying of cancer

[searchingpeace]

As I am writing this I am with my dad at the hospital. They are going to transfer him to hospice. For you who dont know, hospice is where people go to die. I've been crying non stop since I heard it from the doctor. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer February of 2022. Back then I was shocked but I was told that "prostate cancer is not that bad" . What I wasn't aware of is that it was stage 4 cancer. To be honest I intentionally stuck my head in the ground about this. I didn't want to hear that my dad didnt have much time. With cancer diagnosis, I spent all that time trying to get the best care for him: I managed all his drugs, doctor appointments, blood draws. Everything. Even when I was totally physically ill and in severe pain, I kept helping him. I could of drank my SN some time ago but I stuck around for his sake.

He was doing fine under my care a couple of months ago. His pain was out of control, particularly his back. I spoke to his cancer doctor about this and she recommended radiation therapy. This was going to shrink the tumors on his back alleviating pain and slow down the cancer growth. He never made it to that appointment.

About a month ago he begged me to call emergency for a hospital ride. He was in hysterics. I was shocked at how he acted. Ive never seen that from him. He couldnt move his legs. He went and got a spinal surgery to remove a tumor in his back.
But it was all for nothing. We were told he would never walk again as the cancer is all over his bones. ... I spoke to the cancer specialist. He told me there no longer any options. "The cancer now has to take its course."

He is in the process of dying.

My dad is my everything. We always stayed together since we had never had any friends or family to go to. We both lived miserable, pointless lives. We suffered greatly as life constantly threw shit at us, me especially; always getting sick. This shit: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ulcerative_colitis has caused me great pain and agony throughout the years. I was hospitalized at least 4 times with one stay lasting just under a month. I was bleeding to death with that hospital stay.
But my dad was always there. Everyday he'd come to visit me without fail. From morning until dusk, sometimes even staying overnight sleeping on the couch.

My dad and I were inseparable. We spent our free time going shopping, going to the gym everywhere. Almost everyday we to McDonalds to get coffee in the morning. Even the small things meant alot because we were loners.

This has been such a miserable life only to end like this. The universe has done everything it could to me to force me to kill myself. And I think it has won.
I cant live with any friends or family. I cant imagine living day after day without anyone. If I die no one will notice.
Im supposed live decade after decade a complete loner???? My fucking psych says I have to live no matter what. No no no fuck that. I have my SN ready.

I just wanted to write this down for everyone to read Maybe someone here is going through this experience.. Im such a sad fuck. Why is my SI so strong in the face of insurmountable pain??? My poor dad. He didnt deserve this. I didnt deserve such an insult from god.
I am so fucking alone and it will be the death of me. Thank you for taking the time to read.

 

[Unattainable666]

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. I understand your relationship with him I dont know if you have a large family or many friends, but I will offer my ear to listen whenever you need to talk, vent, cry, scream or whatever emotion you are having. You and your Dad are in my thoughts.

 

[searchingpeace]

@Unattainable666
thank you for your kind words. It means a lot.

 

[Unattainable666]

@Unattainable666
thank you for your kind words. It means a lot.

Honey I'm one of the old farts on this site and I want you to know that I am here for you any time.

 

[whywere]

My most extreme condolences go out to you, as my heart is breaking for you. I am crying right now writing this, as we are all in this together as family here and your pain is my pain.

You are a wonderfully kind person and I hold hands with you, as you are family here and GOD bless you, your father and all the medical folks helping out.

I will say a prayer for you and your dad when I retire this evening. It is 8:15pm on 08.13.2023 where I am.

Holding you in my arms right now and huge hugs, love and the knowledge that you have a huge family here.

Walter

 

[lainpilled]

i am so sorry that you and your father had to go through all of this pain and you both deserved so so much better than what you two were given. no one deserves to go through that pain that you two had, you both deserved more days of grocery shopping and exercising and coffee drinking and so so much more time and happiness. i feel for you especially. i know you have your method and such, but until then, my pms are fully open to help support you through this terrible pain because i understand how much that would hurt. and until then, i hope things look up for you and you can experience more moments of pleasure and happiness

 

[Unattainable666]

My most extreme condolences go out to you, as my heart is breaking for you. I am crying right now writing this, as we are all in this together as family here and your pain is my pain.

You are a wonderfully kind person and I hold hands with you, as you are family here and GOD bless you, your father and all the medical folks helping out.

I will say a prayer for you and your dad when I retire this evening. It is 8:15pm on 08.13.2023 where I am.

Holding you in my arms right now and huge hugs, love and the knowledge that you have a huge family here.

Walter

What sweet and kind words

 

[searchingpeace]

My most extreme condolences go out to you, as my heart is breaking for you. I am crying right now writing this, as we are all in this together as family here and your pain is my pain.

You are a wonderfully kind person and I hold hands with you, as you are family here and GOD bless you, your father and all the medical folks helping out.

I will say a prayer for you and your dad when I retire this evening. It is 8:15pm on 08.13.2023 where I am.

Holding you in my arms right now and huge hugs, love and the knowledge that you have a huge family here.

Walter

Thank you Walter. I didnt expect anyone to send a prayer and shed a tear for me. Youre so kind.
I hope to God that he lives long enough so that we can celebrate his upcoming birthday. I want to buy him a big chocolate fudge cake and a bunch of other treats. I want all the nurses to come celebrate with us.
God please extend his time. I just want to be him as long as I can. please god some mercy

 

[prtsn]

I don't wanna hijack your post neither your pain, just give you my experience.

my dad was also a really good friend, we worked together, watched boxing, went out to eat. he died august 2021, abdominal aortic aneurysm. that morning I said goodbye to him like every day and in a matter of hours I was watching him lying dead in a morgue. I took care of everything, funeral, bills, selling cars, taking care of my mother without any help.

needless to say it left me destroyed.

the only I thing I can say is that at least he's been with you and you have the opportunity to say goodbye. I might not be of any consolation cause losing your dad hurts but at least you can do a proper goodbye.

I sincerely hope he gets the best care possible. be by his side, take his hand. it's gonna hurt but it will mean everything to him.

I do sincerely hope you do whatever you wanna do. english isn't my native language so I apologize in advance if this doesn't sound kind or comforting but I hope it does.

if you need someone to talk to I'll be here a few days.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@searchingpeace I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my own dad to prostate cancer when I was 23 so please reach out on here or DM if you need support from someone who has been where you are. I also had the impression that prostate cancer is easily survivable (more men die with it than of it so they say) obviously our dads sadly must have had a more aggressive version. Mine also had mild spinal cord compression towards the end-they never operated, but I always feel bad that he had to endure a scan for nothing because I pushed for that knowing it's supposed to be an emergency. Seeing him go through so much pain was always my main reason to CTB. This was over 10 years ago now, it does get easier with time and I finally came to terms with it (as much as is possible) but it's been a hard road.

Hospice will be the best place for your dad and will keep him as comfortable as possible. Mine died at home and I regret we couldn't get him into a hospice where he could be cared for by professionals. You should be proud of yourself, it sounds like you have cared for him so well. Is there a group you can join for caregivers? You need support too. I feel like we kind of just got left to it so I hope that is not the case for you and that you have a lot of help. Just spend as much time with your dad as you can, tell him everything you want to say so you don't have any regrets. I hope he makes his birthday and you have a lovely day with him and that when the time comes it's peaceful.

 

[KarmaBus]

I can relate as well unfortunately. My father suffered from prostate cancer before he passed. I am sorry for what you are both experiencing. It sounds like you have had quite a great relationship. Hospice will help make him as comfortable as possible. I hope you can find comfort during this difficult time.

 

[searchingpeace]

This outpouring of support is so tremendously appreciated. I feel stable at the moment because of it. Ive stopped crying and regained my composure because of it.

But I cant forget why I am here. I told myself repeatedly in life "if dad goes, I go" . I believe this maybe my last year. I have SN for when the time comes.
@betternever2havbeen & @prtsn : im glad you two survived your dads' passing. But I am a weakling. I'm not strong as you guys.
I think that its the humane decision to CTB. Life has only done one thing : robing me from anything that might make living worthwhile.

 

[KarmaBus]

I'm glad you are feeling stable. There are a lot of caring individuals around SaSu

Don't discredit yourself.
You are stronger than you think. One of my biggest regrets (I have many) was being afraid/in denial and ending up not spending enough time with my dad before he passed away. He was my first significant loss and I hated seeing him decline so quickly and all the tubes and machines in the hospital overwhelmed me. I thought I had more time.
You're a good son who has been there every step of this excruciating process. I hope you get as much time with him as possible. It's apparent you have a beautiful bond and great love for your father.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm so sorry that you're losing your dad. I understand the emotions you feel. I buried my father just over 20 years ago, who also died from cancer-related complications. He was one of only two people that I trusted in this world at that time and his passing cut a large swath through my heart that never did quite heal.

About 2 1/2 years ago, I buried the only other person whom I trusted in this world - my mother. Like your dad, my mom was under Hospice care and I was able to spend the last 8 months with her in her home as her caregiver. Although we butted heads at times (that was just our way), it was something I wouldn't change for anything in this world. We got to know each other all over again, and although it was difficult because of the circumstances, it was rewarding in so much as I was able to give back to her a (very) little for everything she had done for me my entire life. I was there holding her hand as she took her last breath and that was the most difficult moment I've ever experienced in all of my life. No one ever thinks that day is going to come when their loved one is no longer here. She was the most genuinely good person I have ever known. And much stronger than I.

I don't think you ever get over it. At least I don't seem to be. I think a part of you dies, too. It's hard. I think about her every day, multiple times a day. You still do things you have to, but the days don't seem quite as bright, the world seems more bleak, nights seem a bit darker. I still talk to her in my mind, wish I could call her and hear her voice, feel her hug. Actually, the first year after her death was easier, for lack of a better word, because I was so busy handling her estate. There really wasn't any time for mourning. After I finished that up, though, the finality of it all hit like a ton of bricks. I'm still not even quite finished with everything, yet, as I still have to get her monument put in place at her final resting place.

Like you, I now find myself all alone, too. Over the past 4 years, I lost all members of my family - mom, sister, aunt, and multiple cousins. I'm the last one. Why? I have no idea. It's a strange feeling knowing there isn't one person left in this world that loves you.

The only advice I can give you is to make every remaining moment with your dad count. I wish you, and your dad, the very best.

 

[HighFlight]

@searchingforpeace - Words cannot express how sorry I am to hear the news about your dad. I hope that you both can find some peace in your own ways.

 

[dekayingkong]

im schocked by these devastating news, my condolences to you and your father. i too am very close with my father, and he recently had a 30 minute heartattack on the 23rd july, 19:04. We had a lot of plans but it was all cancelled, and i stay with him 24/7, almost got taken away by an inconciderate family member. he is become mentally slower, deteriorating day by day. i hope he will pass peacefully, and not in pain, that is my biggest fear of all. This is why it hurts so much reading how much your father is sufferering, what i saw in a 30 minute span is what youre probably witnessing most of the day. i can not begin to imagine your pain. You were by his side, you choose to not take SN and he knows he is loved by you, youve both been there for each other at your lowest. I like to think that we will all soon be in peace, and i hope you come to terms with your sorrow, keep pushing. you are a champion, and fuck cancer.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so cruel how people have to suffer so extremely, it must be painful and hard to deal with what you have to endure. But anyway best wishes.

 

[tryingtoescape]

This made me start crying while reading. This is so heartbreaking. When you mentioned how you had a tradition of going to McDonald's for coffee together I smiled with tears in my eyes. When you mentioned how when you were in the hospital your dad would come every day and even stay overnight, it made me cry harder.

I'm also extremely close to my dad. Our little traditions. How whenever I was in the hospital he would come every single day even with work. And more that's too much to type. He has serious health issues and he's getting older. I already will end my life due to health problems anyway, and I can't handle the thought of not having my dad. I'm killing myself soon and I hope I can see him again someday. Life has just been trying to make me kill myself since day one.

I can tell how much you love your dad and how much he loves you. It sounds like you've made him so happy to have you as a daughter.

 

[アホペンギン]

I'm sorry you and your Dad have to go through this. It must hurt that theres no way to extend his life because theres no longer any treatment options. I wish you and your dad the best, i hope some positive thing happens, anything. You didn't deserve this to happen to you. I send you my best regards, i hope something in your favor happens soon, you seem like you need it.

 

[FindingHome]

I wish the both of you healing!

 

[Raven2]

Sending my condolences searchingforpeace. I hope you will treasure your remaining time you have left with your dad. Sending hugs your way.

 

[onceinthefuturewas]

I pray that your dad finds peace and your own health gets better. If anything happens, you can talk to us. Although i can't relate since I have a different background, I feel really sorry for you