Dad is accepting of my suicide

[greyhound]

So I sat down with my dad today and laid it all out to my dad like told him I'm suicidal and probably going to CTB shortly. It's the first time I've discussed it with him, I've been open about it with my mom but she always is like 'I can't bear listen to this'. We had a surprisingly rational discussion and despite trying to talk me out of it at the end he accepted it.

I'm chronically ill and basically it's just an incurable disease. They've seen how miserable I am and when presented with the facts that it's not going to get any better, only worse, I think he understands. He was just like well enjoy the natural world before you go, so we're probably going to do a little trip around the area we're in.

In the end I'm surprised he was so accepting as my parents are extremely religious Christians. I feel like my Dad has mellowed in his old age though while my mom has just become more intolerant.

It's such a relief to have him be understanding as they are the people I'd hurt the most. I don't have any significant other or children. So now we can enjoy the remaining time we have with each other rather than me having to hide it and feel guilty.

On the other hand I just hared this story with a group of the chronically ill people with the same disease that I correspond with. Battle stations were engaged and a they are all rallying to 'save' me. Ugh win some lose some.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Man you are lucky. When my parents found out I was suicidal they taunted me and made fun of me. Having shitty parents makes life that much more intolerable. I used to envy families I saw in public laughing and having fun together. Now it doesn't even phase me.

So maybe time does make things better or at least makes you callous to the point where you stop caring.

 

[Bullit]

I say God bless you and your father. I bet he wishes he could take your disease out of you and into him,so you'd be free.
Yep,enjoy the time you've got. Good luck to you,friend!

 

[blue_muse]

Your Dad sounds awesome; loves you enough to let you go and wants to cherish the time he has with you until then .

 

[sm20]

So I sat down with my dad today and laid it all out to my dad like told him I'm suicidal and probably going to CTB shortly. It's the first time I've discussed it with him, I've been open about it with my mom but she always is like 'I can't bear listen to this'. We had a surprisingly rational discussion and despite trying to talk me out of it at the end he accepted it.

I'm chronically ill and basically it's just an incurable disease. They've seen how miserable I am and when presented with the facts that it's not going to get any better, only worse, I think he understands. He was just like well enjoy the natural world before you go, so we're probably going to do a little trip around the area we're in.

In the end I'm surprised he was so accepting as my parents are extremely religious Christians. I feel like my Dad has mellowed in his old age though while my mom has just become more intolerant.

It's such a relief to have him be understanding as they are the people I'd hurt the most. I don't have any significant other or children. So now we can enjoy the remaining time we have with each other rather than me having to hide it and feel guilty.

On the other hand I just hared this story with a group of the chronically ill people with the same disease that I correspond with. Battle stations were engaged and a they are all rallying to 'save' me. Ugh win some lose some.

I'm in a similar position although my parents are not remotely accepting of me committing suicide. One of my biggest regrets is telling them back when I was a minor because it got me hospitalized and it's extremely difficult to find out if those hospitalizations were listed as voluntary or not, which affects if I can buy a gun. Even though my health issues might mean my life is over I still really don't want to die because it's so easy to imagine my life being better even though it can't be. What disease do you have?

 

[WornOutLife]

Woah! That's amazing!

My dad is the best human being I've ever known but he will never be okay with me being suicidal. He'll do whatever he can so as to keep me alive because he really loves me.
Even though I don't agree with him, it feels good to be loved by someone because I've practically lost all of my friends, ex gfs, etc lol.

 

[FuneralCry]

That is really good of him. If only everyone saw suicide as an acceptable option to end suffering that then this world would be a better place. Chronic illness can really be awful and the body can feel like a prison, having some understanding in your choice must be a relief. My parents would never accept it.

 

[greyhound]

I'm in a similar position although my parents are not remotely accepting of me committing suicide. One of my biggest regrets is telling them back when I was a minor because it got me hospitalized and it's extremely difficult to find out if those hospitalizations were listed as voluntary or not, which affects if I can buy a gun. Even though my health issues might mean my life is over I still really don't want to die because it's so easy to imagine my life being better even though it can't be. What disease do you have?

I have chronic Lyme disease. I've had it since I was 15 or so and it's just gotten progressively worse. It's a shit disease to have because the official position has been that Lyme easy to cure with antibiotics and and residual symptoms are just 'inflammation' or immune system damage. So they have effectively done no research over the past 30 years and so there is no real treatment for it or disability or anything.

It's completely insane as anyone who spends even 5 minutes looking at the data around chronic Lyme will realize that the bacteria persists and it's almost impossible to completely kill with current courses of antibiotics unless you catch it immediately after the bite.

The research is finally catching up to reality, this study just came out about a woman who died of Lewy Body Dementia. The scary thing is that Lewy Body Dementia is something Robin Williams had so you have to wonder how many people have untreated neuroborreliosis (Lyme in the brain) and how many end up killing themselves because of the horrible psych symptoms without knowing what they truly have.

"An important new study from Tulane University found Lyme bacteria in autopsied brain tissue of a woman who had been aggressively treated with antibiotics.
...

The new study focuses on a 69-year-old deceased woman who contracted Lyme disease at age 54. At the onset of her illness, she had a well-documented erythema migrans rash accompanied by severe headache, joint pain and a fever of 104º. Her standard two-tier tests for Lyme disease were positive on ELISA and both IgM and IgG Western blots.

She was prescribed 10 days of doxycycline which resolved her initial symptoms. Two years later, the patient developed many chronic symptoms consistent with late-stage Lyme disease, as well as dementia.

At age 60, the patient was treated with IV ceftriaxone for eight weeks, which led to 60% improvement in cognition and interpersonal engagement. Although oral amoxicillin was continued three times daily for the next six months, her symptoms gradually returned. Further antibiotic treatment with minocycline did not help. All the while her IgG Western blot for Lyme disease remained positive.

Over time, the patient's visual, mental and executive functions continued to deteriorate. At age 62, a cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) study demonstrated a positive Western blot. Unfortunately, a comparison of serum and CSF by a diagnostic ELISA was not performed at that time so she did not meet the full diagnostic criteria for neuroborreliosis.

The authors suggest that the initial symptoms of the woman at age 54 (headache, high fever) indicate brain involvement at the time of the EM rash, consistent with a mild meningitis early in the disease process.

Fifteen years after the initial diagnosis of Lyme disease, she experienced severe movement disorders, sleep disorder, paranoia and personality changes leading to a clinical diagnosis of dementia with Lewy bodies. Before she died at age 69, she decided to donate her brain to Columbia University for the study of the disease."

LYME SCI: Lyme spirochetes in an autopsied brain (despite treatment)

Researchers find evidence of persistent Lyme infection in brain despite aggressive antibiotic therapy.

www.lymedisease.org

 

[greyhound]

Woah! That's amazing!

My dad is the best human being I've ever known but he will never be okay with me being suicidal. He'll do whatever he can so as to keep me alive because he really loves me.
Even though I don't agree with him, it feels good to be loved by someone because I've practically lost all of my friends, ex gfs, etc lol.

Yeah it's a strange situation because people want to feel loved by people which often means that the person is not ok with them committing suicide. I've seen people on here actually complain that family members were ok with their suicide which seems to be at odds with the general intention of this community - ie: sanctioned suicide. But it is also totally understandable to think that you are loved by someone and because of this they don't want you to go, even if this is somewhat selfish on their part.

Between my mom and my dad my mom is definitely on the side of loving me and not wanting to let me go, even if she sees how much I am suffering day-day. My dad is somewhat more detached. I know he loves me but I think my death would not hit him as hard as it would my mom. He can also see my mind is made up and knows the reality of my disease.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I have chronic Lyme disease. I've had it since I was 15 or so and it's just gotten progressively worse. It's a shit disease to have because the official position has been that Lyme easy to cure with antibiotics and and residual symptoms are just 'inflammation' or immune system damage. So they have effectively done no research over the past 30 years and so there is no real treatment for it or disability or anything.

It's completely insane as anyone who spends even 5 minutes looking at the data around chronic Lyme will realize that the bacteria persists and it's almost impossible to completely kill with current courses of antibiotics unless you catch it immediately after the bite.

The research is finally catching up to reality, this study just came out about a woman who died of Lewy Body Dementia. The scary thing is that Lewy Body Dementia is something Robin Williams had so you have to wonder how many people have untreated neuroborreliosis (Lyme in the brain) and how many end up killing themselves because of the horrible psych symptoms without knowing what they truly have.

"An important new study from Tulane University found Lyme bacteria in autopsied brain tissue of a woman who had been aggressively treated with antibiotics.
...

The new study focuses on a 69-year-old deceased woman who contracted Lyme disease at age 54. At the onset of her illness, she had a well-documented erythema migrans rash accompanied by severe headache, joint pain and a fever of 104º. Her standard two-tier tests for Lyme disease were positive on ELISA and both IgM and IgG Western blots.

She was prescribed 10 days of doxycycline which resolved her initial symptoms. Two years later, the patient developed many chronic symptoms consistent with late-stage Lyme disease, as well as dementia.

At age 60, the patient was treated with IV ceftriaxone for eight weeks, which led to 60% improvement in cognition and interpersonal engagement. Although oral amoxicillin was continued three times daily for the next six months, her symptoms gradually returned. Further antibiotic treatment with minocycline did not help. All the while her IgG Western blot for Lyme disease remained positive.

Over time, the patient's visual, mental and executive functions continued to deteriorate. At age 62, a cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) study demonstrated a positive Western blot. Unfortunately, a comparison of serum and CSF by a diagnostic ELISA was not performed at that time so she did not meet the full diagnostic criteria for neuroborreliosis.

The authors suggest that the initial symptoms of the woman at age 54 (headache, high fever) indicate brain involvement at the time of the EM rash, consistent with a mild meningitis early in the disease process.

Fifteen years after the initial diagnosis of Lyme disease, she experienced severe movement disorders, sleep disorder, paranoia and personality changes leading to a clinical diagnosis of dementia with Lewy bodies. Before she died at age 69, she decided to donate her brain to Columbia University for the study of the disease."

LYME SCI: Lyme spirochetes in an autopsied brain (despite treatment)

Researchers find evidence of persistent Lyme infection in brain despite aggressive antibiotic therapy.

www.lymedisease.org

I'm sorry you got this disease.

And sorry it did so much damage.

I'm sick too from a different illness.

I'd like to rest now. I'm so tired...

 

[greyhound]

I'm sorry you got this disease.

And sorry it did so much damage.

I'm sick too from a different illness.

I'd like to rest now. I'm so tired...

Yes I have this exact feeling I just want to rest. I started another thread about a book I'm reading about different conceptions of the afterlife. I really want to just go to some place of rest and healing, where like I can lie in a cozy bed and cared for by a cosmic mother figure. I don't know if this is completely wishful thinking and I certainly haven't yet come across it in this afterlife book, but it is what my weary bones long for at this point. I've been doing opiates lately to cope and they are the closest to this feeling I have come across, sort of being swaddled in warm blankets fresh out of the dryer.

 

[Meditation guide]

Yes I have this exact feeling I just want to rest. I started another thread about a book I'm reading about different conceptions of the afterlife. I really want to just go to some place of rest and healing, where like I can lie in a cozy bed and cared for by a cosmic mother figure. I don't know if this is completely wishful thinking and I certainly haven't yet come across it in this afterlife book, but it is what my weary bones long for at this point. I've been doing opiates lately to cope and they are the closest to this feeling I have come across, sort of being swaddled in warm blankets fresh out of the dryer.

I can relate to what you are saying. You just want a break and to not feel bad. I do too. I've felt a warmth and closeness to you and hope things get better for you somehow.

 

[LittleJem]

OP, I also felt relief when my dad and brother and dad's wife finally accepted my right to die. I'm pleased you have this acceptance and understanding from your father.

Re Lyme, there is just one case study (which is a bit out there to say the least) of a woman who had Lyme and took LSD and it cured her chronic pain. Here are two articles, one that says the story and the other that mocks it.

A woman who tripped for 34 hours on LSD after taking 550 times the normal dose said the drug cured her pain from chronic Lyme disease

After surviving her overdose unscathed, the woman started microdosing LSD. Three years later, she no longer needed opioids to manage her chronic pain.

www.insider.com

All You Need To Know About Chronic Lyme Disease; It Can Be Cured By Tripping On Acid

All you need to know about distrust in science and medicine is that Facebook is littered with claims of chronic lyme disease, along with bizarre advice such as 'keep looking for a doctor' until you find one willing to diagnose you, and bizarre self-experimentation and remedies.It turns out all...

www.science20.com

 

[noname223]

My dad says he will stop giving me money if I go for assisted suicide. My parents abused me as a child it is so shitty having dumb as fuck parents

 

[greyhound]

I think telling my dad about my plans opened Pandora's box. I had been pretty open with my mom but I think she didn't really take me seriously. So my dad obviously told my mom and now the alarms bells are ringing. My aunt and sister and a close friend are all blowing up my messages wanting to 'talk'.

My mom is also spamming the family group chat with gems like 'The two usual but also destructive ways of human interaction are 1 attack and 2 withdrawal. The most extreme form attack being murder and the most extreme form of withdrawal being suicide'

So I'm starting to regret trying to be open with my dad and tell him about the reality of the position I'm in. Now the pressure is coming at me from all fronts. The funny thing is that I'm actually accelerating my plans because of all these people coming at me. So their strategy is probably going to have the opposite effect that they intend in shaming/pressure me to stay alive.

 

[sm20]

I think telling my dad about my plans opened Pandora's box. I had been pretty open with my mom but I think she didn't really take me seriously. So my dad obviously told my mom and now the alarms bells are ringing. My aunt and sister and a close friend are all blowing up my messages wanting to 'talk'.

My mom is also spamming the family group chat with gems like 'The two usual but also destructive ways of human interaction are 1 attack and 2 withdrawal. The most extreme form attack being murder and the most extreme form of withdrawal being suicide'

So I'm starting to regret trying to be open with my dad and tell him about the reality of the position I'm in. Now the pressure is coming at me from all fronts. The funny thing is that I'm actually accelerating my plans because of all these people coming at me. So their strategy is probably going to have the opposite effect that they intend in shaming/pressure me to stay alive.

What I'd recommend is if they're going to try to hospitalize you, voluntarily hospitalize yourself so you can retain your right to buy a gun. That's how it works in the US although I'm not sure if your from there.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I think telling my dad about my plans opened Pandora's box. I had been pretty open with my mom but I think she didn't really take me seriously. So my dad obviously told my mom and now the alarms bells are ringing. My aunt and sister and a close friend are all blowing up my messages wanting to 'talk'.

My mom is also spamming the family group chat with gems like 'The two usual but also destructive ways of human interaction are 1 attack and 2 withdrawal. The most extreme form attack being murder and the most extreme form of withdrawal being suicide'

So I'm starting to regret trying to be open with my dad and tell him about the reality of the position I'm in. Now the pressure is coming at me from all fronts. The funny thing is that I'm actually accelerating my plans because of all these people coming at me. So their strategy is probably going to have the opposite effect that they intend in shaming/pressure me to stay alive.

I could understand if you had depression and went through cognitive behavioral therapy to get out of this problem.

That's a solvable problem with treatable solutions.

It's a lot different when you have a chronic illness that significantly lowers the quality of your life. It's a discussion most people are not prepared to have because they don't understand can't understand the level of pain involved.

They get to live the richness of a decent life, albeit with stress and problems here and there. But they're not perpetually weighed down by chronic pain and dizziness and symptoms so alien there's no word to describe how they make you feel.

I'm not saying you should kill yourself. I would never urge anybody to do so here. I'm only concerned about my own right to die.

But in a just world, there would be room for a conversation about how you want to spend your life.

Because after the intervention happens all those people get to go back to their pretty lives. You get to stay in a room quietly suffering. How is that remotely fair?

The insanity of it angers me so much because I know exactly where you're coming from.

We could've had pretty decent lives. That didn't happen. Fate was a motherfucker. Okay. I can accept that. Life is unfair and I was one of the unlucky ones despite my best efforts. That's okay because it happens to so many other people every single day.

What's not okay is this need to keep me in this prison. I can't get help for that. I have to do it in my own. Brutally.

It's just so sad. That when you're at your lowest, unrecoverable point, you're stuck in limbo, unable to end it.

 

[greyhound]

I've basically spent today going through various intervention type calls. The thing that surprises me most is how unaware some of these family members were of my mental state. I figured that some of them would have an idea of what was happening, but no.

I was also discussing with my sister how its crazy how two siblings from the same family can have such radically different life experiences. She's a yoga instructor in Bali, basically living an almost heavenly existence, while I am living in our parents basement praying that I somehow die in my sleep to make the misery end.

 

[MrAsclepius]

Good man

 

[noname223]

Your case just shows me again how Important this website is. Everywhere else you get stigmatized and pressured. My closest friends and this website are the only ones with whom I can talk openly about my wish. Dumb comments make me so angry and the whole psychiatry/ society system who would like to put us in cages just to exceed our suffering. It is hard enough to live a shitty life or the strong wish wanting to die. They just make it worse.