Venting dad died in january, wish it had been me

[rinsendrepeat]

my dad was a chronic alcoholic that ended up succumbing to his liver problems in january. honestly, i denied it to everyone i knew, but deep down i knew that i was shocked when he passed so soon. it suddenly got worse in november, and he was gone when it hit the new year. i know he didnt want to die. he blamed his alcohol problems on my birth. everyday i wish i had been the one to die in his place. my memory doesnt go before when i was suicidal. i know its horrible but a huge part of me is honestly angry he died; not because i miss him but because if i decide to go out on my own terms i'll be a selfish piece of shit for hurting my mom by reducing our family even smaller.. it's made my guilt for being suicidal so much worse than before. but probably because i am a guilty, bad person.

 

[ctb_warrior]

my dad was a chronic alcoholic that ended up succumbing to his liver problems in january. honestly, i denied it to everyone i knew, but deep down i knew that i was shocked when he passed so soon. it suddenly got worse in november, and he was gone when it hit the new year. i know he didnt want to die. he blamed his alcohol problems on my birth. everyday i wish i had been the one to die in his place. my memory doesnt go before when i was suicidal. i know its horrible but a huge part of me is honestly angry he died; not because i miss him but because if i decide to go out on my own terms i'll be a selfish piece of shit for hurting my mom by reducing our family even smaller.. it's made my guilt for being suicidal so much worse than before. but probably because i am a guilty, bad person.

Sorry to hear about your loss. I wish and pray that you can feel better and get peace in whatever you choose