residualfool
lain enthusiast
- Mar 29, 2023
- 2
Its been 3 years but im back on this website.
January 2025 was the last time i thought i'd think about ctb (besides the occasional intrusive thought) but i was fully committed to getting better. Honestly i think my situation is much better than three years ago, im even off medication and able to function(tbh they werent rly working anyways), but what always follows me that i cant shake is the loneliness and thoughts of death that proceed it. Im just fundamentally disconnected from others and i cant seem to make any friends or relationships compared to my peers irl. Im always the one left out or looked at weird. like legit i was asked if i was autistic.
I used to not care about it that much but after doing lots of self improvement on my end my feelings about my lack of ability to socially connect with others just makes me despair more recently. Probably because i've stopped self isolating myself, but society doesnt want me. Im not sure what im doing wrong so im at a dead end no pun intended. Im scrolling through my instagram and seeing all my peers going out and having fun with their friends while im sitting on my shitty cheap futon in my cheap ass apartment alone. I go to school and i say hi to my friends and get ignored then they walk away and excitedly talk about the cafe they will hang out at. It just hurts more knowing my attempts to stop being lonely my whole life are impossible it seems. So far at least.
I tried posting my thoughts on my close friends story on instagram but ofc no one gaf. I hope when i post here someone who feels the same way will feel better knowing we arent that alone in this experience? idk
January 2025 was the last time i thought i'd think about ctb (besides the occasional intrusive thought) but i was fully committed to getting better. Honestly i think my situation is much better than three years ago, im even off medication and able to function(tbh they werent rly working anyways), but what always follows me that i cant shake is the loneliness and thoughts of death that proceed it. Im just fundamentally disconnected from others and i cant seem to make any friends or relationships compared to my peers irl. Im always the one left out or looked at weird. like legit i was asked if i was autistic.
I used to not care about it that much but after doing lots of self improvement on my end my feelings about my lack of ability to socially connect with others just makes me despair more recently. Probably because i've stopped self isolating myself, but society doesnt want me. Im not sure what im doing wrong so im at a dead end no pun intended. Im scrolling through my instagram and seeing all my peers going out and having fun with their friends while im sitting on my shitty cheap futon in my cheap ass apartment alone. I go to school and i say hi to my friends and get ignored then they walk away and excitedly talk about the cafe they will hang out at. It just hurts more knowing my attempts to stop being lonely my whole life are impossible it seems. So far at least.
I tried posting my thoughts on my close friends story on instagram but ofc no one gaf. I hope when i post here someone who feels the same way will feel better knowing we arent that alone in this experience? idk
