Cut myself again today

[lili]

Hey everyone,

As the tittle implies, after five years I cut myself again. All over my arm. I feel so lonely and the pain was too much to bear. All I think about lately is suicide, but I can't do it because I'm never alone for 8 hours and I have just been caught way too many times in my life I don't want to be caught again.

I feel like I can't escape. Like I'm not in a mental hospital but my house is somehow a mental hospital.

I don't really know what to do and. All I want to do is just drink the SN but I can't.

I feel like I just want to cut all over my body. So no one can ever see me.

At least the bit I did made me feel somehow a bit better. Like I was bleeding out the pain. But now that I've stopped and I'm laying in the bed I just feel like I want to just do it again but this time all over and I don't know what to do.

Im sorry for venting like this I figured maybe I could openly post about this here since I can't really express these things to anyone.

 

[OctoberDusk]

I don't have any real wisdom, but I wanted you to know this was read, and I can relate to the pain and loneliness. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but I hope through the night and tomorrow will look better.

If it helps I've found writing out thoughts, especially when the darkness really hits, can help. Even if I'm scribbling or typing out stream-of-consciousness near-nonsense. I've always looked for some outlet to try voicing and letting out some of the pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer so much. It sounds unbearable what you are going through. I know that it is awful feeling like you are trapped, wanting to ctb yet feeling like you are unable to. The fear of failure is what holds me back from ctb as well. All that I want is to peacefully pass away. I hope that you find relief from your pain, I wish you the best.

 

[The Hatred]

I feel similarly. I'm not trusted with sharp objects, so yesterday I improvised. Left some weak scratches over my stomach as I was struggling to actually break the skin. It hurt but not nearly enough to satisfy me. Yesterday was really painful, thus how I found this site and immediately registered.
The pain, the bumps on my skin, the relief I feel having control over something... It's all I have, and it made me feel better.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, know you're not alone.

 

[lili]

Thank you all. Things feel very bleak at the moment. I'm not really sure what to do. My brain feels so broken. I've been dealing with stuff for the last ten years. Medications don't work. They don't quite work now either. Haven't taken the SN. Part of it becuase of SI the other because I'm never alone.

Im not sure what to do with myself but I appreciate that people took the time to read it and comment.

 

[hopelessdreams]

im sorry all your suffering has brought you to this. i myself have never had experience with cutting, so i don't have any real advice for you. but i still wanted you to know that i read your post, and that we are here for you no matter what. at this point all you can do is try to get through the day, day by day. you're not alone in this