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Zzzzz

Zzzzz

Nothing compares to the bliss of death.
Aug 8, 2018
879
Since I'm pretty sure I'm 100% fucking done with life's bullshit . I'm considering all my potential options. Some of you know some of my story. A tragic and unhappy life. I absolutely wish Iwas never born. the only reason I would try to not actively plan for my immediate suicide is if I don't have to worry about money. I cannot handle the stress of it .its too much for me. I'll still be suicidal but I won't feel like I HAVE TO do it today. I'm considering hanging method since I have zero money. Also considering drowning method since its somewhat practical. Trying to figure out all the details. And crossing my fingers I get an opportunity for ctb here soon. No money for SN and I have an extremely sensitive stomach I'd be concerned about vomiting and failing.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
42,604
I'm sorry you are going through this, I know that it can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I understand the feeling of desperation. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.
 
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Zzzzz

Zzzzz

Nothing compares to the bliss of death.
Aug 8, 2018
879
I'm hoping I get access to a pool for an hour or two alone. That's all I need really. It's only 3 minutes of discomfort. Tried hanging but couldn't find the sweet spot. Strangulation is very painful. Almost all accounts of drowning say the panic was the worst part, not the pain .
 
Last edited:
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Shu

Shu

As above, So Below.
Jan 21, 2022
2,487
I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you peace in whatever choice you make.
I'm hoping I get access to a pool for an hour or two alone. That's all I need really. It's only 3 minutes of discomfort. Tried hanging but couldn't find the sweet spot. Strangulation is very painful. Almost all accounts of drowning say the panic was the worst part, not the pain .
Did you try partial?
 
Zzzzz

Zzzzz

Nothing compares to the bliss of death.
Aug 8, 2018
879
I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you peace in whatever choice you make.

Did you try partial?

Tried partial a few times . Was never able to find the "sweet spot." That brings rapid unconsciousness. Strangulation while conscious is something I want to avoid.
 
sphinxtured

sphinxtured

Member
Sep 1, 2021
13
I deliver on the delivery platforms. It's a freaking nightmare. They say you can make upwards of 25-+ an hour, bxxxsxxt! I'm lucky to make $10/hr and that's while running multiple delivery apps multitasking. I read a reddit post, that I answered and I think I have a slight touch of OCD because that day I realized (answering the post), I have to make over 75 steps (processes) on DoorDash just to complete a simple order, like delivering McDonald's. So, then when the app gives you multiple deliveries, that # increases in basically the same time span.

I don't know at what point of a delivery or deliveries I was, all I recall is being in a rush (the story of my life) and taking a drink of water (flavored with those Gatorade packets). Don't you know, while I'm driving at a good clip, in the middle of some busy roadways, nowhere to pull off, people behind me, someones delivery to deliver in my que, etc, etc, I go to take a drink and because I just got done running up 3 flights of stairs with someones groceries, the drink goes down the wrong tube because I was breathing so heavily simultaneously. Mind you I'm a big guy, 250lbs and when I eat, I eat like a dog, I don't chew my food, I inhale it (why I have diabetes and pancreatitis and etc, etc, etc wrong with me). So there I am with my lungs saturated with a good deal of water.

A few things about me before I go on.
-I was knocked out unconscious for hours as a child from a rock, leaving me with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and dyslexia.
-I was a boxer and asked people to punch me in the face to toughen it up, I'd laugh at them and when I told them it was my turn, they ran.
-I used to hold my breath long enough to swim from one end of a YMCA pool to the other.
-I was stabbed through the hand (knife being of equal lengths on each side) and when I told my friend he stabbed me (nighttime, dark in a field), he didn't believe me, until I held my hand up to the moonlight and he say's "how can you stand there talking to me so calmly?"
-In 5th grade I was 205lbs at 5'10" bench pressing 300 lbs with no effort. I found that out in math class when the teacher taught us what repetition means in the gym…

I'm sure you get the point, my whole life, jumping out of 3 story windows, getting hit with sledgehammers, etc, etc, etc and blowing it off like it didn't happen. There I am in my car, still focused on driving, I recall becoming frantic in my mind but my body was still in control (something I'm able to do when I fight and win while I'm in a state of fear). My apologies but because I was in a state of panic, I am having a tough time depicting the exact event but at some point, I opened my window and coughed out what looked like an amount someone would vomit, literally kept on coming out. I rolled up my window and kept driving and not a minute later, I rolled it back down and coughed up (probably) another cup. I may have done that one more time and the rest seemed more like when you're sick coughing up mucous because it irritated me.

I'm no pain doctor or expert whatever but my guess is, if you can psyche yourself out, not become frantic and panic, it might be one of the most peaceful ways to go.

I believe we are so, 🧐programmed, hmm🧐 or maybe, so 🧐 habitual in our daily lives/ways, that we even push ourselves (our own destiny/goals) out of the way, simply to stay in our daily/weekly/etc groove.
 
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Zzzzz

Zzzzz

Nothing compares to the bliss of death.
Aug 8, 2018
879
I believe we are so, 🧐programmed, hmm🧐 or maybe, so 🧐 habitual in our daily lives/ways, that we even push ourselves (our own destiny/goals) out of the way, simply to stay in our daily/weekly/etc groove.

I agree we get in our own way due to habit. But it would be a lot easier with access to more peaceful and painless methods as well as no fear of being resucitated.
 
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Reactions: Depressed Cat
sphinxtured

sphinxtured

Member
Sep 1, 2021
13
Peaceful- painless method reminds me of a song from 'Bad Company' "Shooting Star"

The verse

"Johnny died one night, died in his bed, bottle of whiskey, sleeping tablets by his head. Johnny's life passed him by like a warm summer day, if you listen to the wind you can still hear him play. Don't you know, don't you know, don't you know that you are a shooting star, don't you know, don't you know that you are a shooting star and all the world will love you just as long, as long as you are, a shooting star."
 
Last edited:
sphinxtured

sphinxtured

Member
Sep 1, 2021
13
I deliver on the delivery platforms. It's a freaking nightmare. They say you can make upwards of 25-+ an hour, bxxxsxxt! I'm lucky to make $10/hr and that's while running multiple delivery apps multitasking. I read a reddit post, that I answered and I think I have a slight touch of OCD because that day I realized (answering the post), I have to make over 75 steps (processes) on DoorDash just to complete a simple order, like delivering McDonald's. So, then when the app gives you multiple deliveries, that # increases in basically the same time span.

I don't know at what point of a delivery or deliveries I was, all I recall is being in a rush (the story of my life) and taking a drink of water (flavored with those Gatorade packets). Don't you know, while I'm driving at a good clip, in the middle of some busy roadways, nowhere to pull off, people behind me, someones delivery to deliver in my que, etc, etc, I go to take a drink and because I just got done running up 3 flights of stairs with someones groceries, the drink goes down the wrong tube because I was breathing so heavily simultaneously. Mind you I'm a big guy, 250lbs and when I eat, I eat like a dog, I don't chew my food, I inhale it (why I have diabetes and pancreatitis and etc, etc, etc wrong with me). So there I am with my lungs saturated with a good deal of water.

A few things about me before I go on.
-I was knocked out unconscious for hours as a child from a rock, leaving me with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and dyslexia.
-I was a boxer and asked people to punch me in the face to toughen it up, I'd laugh at them and when I told them it was my turn, they ran.
-I used to hold my breath long enough to swim from one end of a YMCA pool to the other.
-I was stabbed through the hand (knife being of equal lengths on each side) and when I told my friend he stabbed me (nighttime, dark in a field), he didn't believe me, until I held my hand up to the moonlight and he say's "how can you stand there talking to me so calmly?"
-In 5th grade I was 205lbs at 5'10" bench pressing 300 lbs with no effort. I found that out in math class when the teacher taught us what repetition means in the gym…

I'm sure you get the point, my whole life, jumping out of 3 story windows, getting hit with sledgehammers, etc, etc, etc and blowing it off like it didn't happen. There I am in my car, still focused on driving, I recall becoming frantic in my mind but my body was still in control (something I'm able to do when I fight and win while I'm in a state of fear). My apologies but because I was in a state of panic, I am having a tough time depicting the exact event but at some point, I opened my window and coughed out what looked like an amount someone would vomit, literally kept on coming out. I rolled up my window and kept driving and not a minute later, I rolled it back down and coughed up (probably) another cup. I may have done that one more time and the rest seemed more like when you're sick coughing up mucous because it irritated me.

I'm no pain doctor or expert whatever but my guess is, if you can psyche yourself out, not become frantic and panic, it might be one of the most peaceful ways to go because I didn't feel any pain, I just knew my lungs had water in them and it might kill me or something..

I believe we are so, 🧐programmed, hmm🧐 or maybe, so 🧐 habitual in our daily lives/ways, that we even push ourselves (our own destiny/goals) out of the way, simply to stay in our daily/weekly/etc groove.
I apologize. I didn't quite finish my thought in the 2nd to last paragraph. It should have read, "because I didn't feel any pain, I just knew my lungs had water in them and it might kill me or something.
 

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