CTB Tomorrow--Preparations and Goodbye

[dazed.daydreamer]

I have decided tomorrow will be my date. I was planning for either today or next weekend, but I could not get everything ready in time to do it today, as I was having bad sciatica pain that made it difficult to move around. The pain has mostly subsided today, thankfully. I don't want to wait for next weekend though, I have some big due dates this week for school that I am not prepared for which would make this last week very stressful, so why not just do it tomorrow instead?

I just reserved a motel room for the night. I will most likely do full suspension hanging over the bathroom door. I mentioned other methods in previous threads because I wasn't sure I'd be able to find an anchor point in the room, until I realized that the door should work. Otherwise, I will do partial on the bed post or drowning in the tub, but I think the full suspension should work. I will take laxatives this evening and begin fasting, so that the drugs will work more quickly and in hopes of not defecating as I die, or at least not as badly. I'll do the rest of the preparations tonight so that I can relax tomorrow. Get up early to see the sunrise, maybe take a nice hike if my leg is up for it, maybe text something nice to some friends. Then I'll check into the motel that evening, with nothing but the cash to pay for the room, my noose, alcohol, and visine.

Since I'll be hanging myself in the bathroom, I plan to baracade the bathroom door with furniture and leave a note on the bathroom door for staff in the morning, explaining what has happened, that I am certainly already dead, and to call emergency services to get my body rather than seeing it themselves. Not foolproof, but this is the best approach I can think of. I'll stay in the bathroom from there, set up my noose, and test it before taking the visine and starting to drink. The visine should take 2-3 hours to kick in, so I'll be hanging out in the meantime, probably on here, maybe listening to music or watching funny videos. I'll also probably have a long prayer at some point; I don't know if I'm religious, but I was raised Christian and fear hell, so I have the urge to "make right" with God before catching the bus. I know this probably sounds delusional, but I'm hoping it will resolve some tension and give me peace over something I've struggled with for a long time before I go. As I'm getting tired from the drugs (I need to double check some of the threads on here about visine to know what symptoms to look for), I'll get myself situated in the noose. My plan is to either be intoxicated enough to overcome my SI and kick the trashcan/whatever I use over, or to just pass out into the noose.

In the meantime, I need to clean out my room, deciding what's trash, what to donate, and what to leave for my family to take. I'll write my note tonight, just to explain that this is no one else's fault, this is solely a result of my own depression and failure to adapt, I'm grateful for the relatively comfortable life I've had and giving love to my family and friends. I'll also include a will at the end; all I have to my name is a savings account, and I want my family to do with that as they please. They'd be the ones getting it anyway, so no need for an official will, but I'll specify this just to make my desires clear.

Thank you, SaSu, for giving me support and a place to be honest about where my head is at without fear of being involuntarily locked up in a ward that would probably be no help, if not making me worse. You made me feel less alone; I don't have close friends on here, but just seeing familiar names and icons, and seeing posts that really resonate with me, understanding me in ways I didn't think I could be understood, has been a comfort to me through tough times.

Let me know if you have any advice about my method or preparing to CTB in general. Or any replies at all are really appreciated, no obligation though of course. I wish you all the best

 

[Hecubaa]

I might be wrong about this but, in a motel room, hanging would cause a lot of noise which would probably get the neighbors to send staff to check on you or even the police. The height is not enough to result in a broken neck so it will take a long time. The odds are you'll end up saved but with brain damage or sent to the psych ward.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best as well, I hope that you find what you are searching for.

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

I might be wrong about this but, in a motel room, hanging would cause a lot of noise which would probably get the neighbors to send staff to check on you or even the police. The height is not enough to result in a broken neck so it will take a long time. The odds are you'll end up saved but with brain damage or sent to the psych ward.

Oh really? What noises would it cause? Apart from kicking over what I'm standing on and maybe some creaking from the rope, what noises would there be? I've watched videos of full suspension hanging as preparation, and it never seemed particularly loud, you're in no position to scream or anything. And it shouldn't take long to at least pass out even without breaking my neck, I believe the resources generally say about 30 seconds? They say to confirm you can be alone for at least 30 minutes to actually die, but unless there was loud noise, that shouldn't be an issue

Maybe I'm missing something though?

 

[Hecubaa]

Oh really? What noises would it cause? Apart from kicking over what I'm standing on and maybe some creaking from the rope, what noises would there be? I've watched videos of full suspension hanging as preparation, and it never seemed particularly loud, you're in no position to scream or anything. And it shouldn't take long to at least pass out even without breaking my neck, I believe the resources generally say about 30 seconds? They say to confirm you can be alone for at least 30 minutes to actually die, but unless there was loud noise, that shouldn't be an issue

Maybe I'm missing something though?

Not something I have personally attempted but something I've read in other threads here. Before you pass out, your SI will kick in and your body is going to try to fight by jerking, limb movements, etc. In a bathroom you'll probably end up hitting the walls. Screaming is also possible.

Oh really? What noises would it cause? Apart from kicking over what I'm standing on and maybe some creaking from the rope, what noises would there be? I've watched videos of full suspension hanging as preparation, and it never seemed particularly loud, you're in no position to scream or anything. And it shouldn't take long to at least pass out even without breaking my neck, I believe the resources generally say about 30 seconds? They say to confirm you can be alone for at least 30 minutes to actually die, but unless there was loud noise, that shouldn't be an issue

Maybe I'm missing something though?

Someone explains it in this thread: https://www.sanctioned-suicide.net/...ions-with-partial-hangin.167468/#post-2548271

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

Oh true, I didn't think about hitting against the door, and the potential for the loud breathing/etc. Perhaps I could put a comforter or foam on the side of the door I'd be on to muffle it, and put duct tape on my mouth?
If it's really not feasible, maybe drowning in the bathtub? I could also go to a nearby lake/wooded area and either drown or hang myself, but I'd rather not go this route if it's not necessary.

Not something I have personally attempted but something I've read in other threads here. Before you pass out, your SI will kick in and your body is going to try to fight by jerking, limb movements, etc. In a bathroom you'll probably end up hitting the walls. Screaming is also possible.

Someone explains it in this thread: https://www.sanctioned-suicide.net/...ions-with-partial-hangin.167468/#post-2548271

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

I'm feeling on the fence. I was more upset about it last night; now I'm just a bit dissociated and struggling to think about it at all because of that, but I am forcing myself to get my thoughts out none the less.

I don't truly want to die, but I can't keep living like this, and there doesn't seem to be any real help out there. I was watching a video last night about inpatient/higher levels of care for depression, explaining it as a helpful sanctuary for recovery, but almost ALL the comments were people explaining how they had been or knew people who had, and they're actually prisons and either are useless or harmful. I was already aware of this, but seeing that many testimonies in a moment of desperation really made it sink in that there's no one out there that can fix me. And I've tried for years to fix myself, at many times and in many ways, never with long-term success, only surface-level changes that would disappear the moment my depression suddenly would get worse. This thing controls my life, makes me unproductive, exhausted, and unhappy, and I have no way to combat it.

I wish there was something that could just zap me and make me a normal, consistently functional, energized and social person. Not even particularly happy, I know most people aren't all that happy, but just to be normal and able to get by, to have the energy to do anything apart from the absolute minimum at the last minute to get by. This is no way to live.

Meanwhile, not CTB'ing is selfish. I am taking up people's time and resources. Someone else could have my spot at my college and make way more out of the opportunities here and the education they'd get, while I'm wasting it away and am unable to make something of myself. I take up food, water for various things, shelter, money from my family, and more, all wasted on such an empty life, on a non-person.

I have no life, I no longer feel like a person, I'm mostly restricted to my room from the depression and exhaustion, and I'm taking up so many resources the longer I survive despite recognizing there is no reason for me to live. So why am I so hesitant to CTB? Is this just lizard-brain survival instincts taking over?