Ctb Today

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

loooong story short: just turned 24 2 days ago (June 1). been in and out of hospitals, programs, group homes, etc since 11. everyone talks down on me for having BPD and blames me for everything. i am physically, mentally, and spiritually drained and ill. i've attempted suicide 20+ times with overdosing/cutting, but this time i'm going to hang myself (have read up on the way to do it properly). i have been miserable my whole life, self harm going back as far as kindergarten. i have 3 people who love me (mom, brother, friend) and am tired of people pretending and taking advantage of me. i just slept with a "friend" from high school i knew well, he introduced me to his mom, talked about taking me out on my birthday etc, only to ditch me for the past 4+ days. that happens to me all the time.

i'm really fat (but beautiful) and am just tired of dealing with what comes along with that. i am in sheer agony. i dissociate all the time just to survive. i am traumatized, depressed, and fucked up. bullying, beatings from my father after he came back after he left me and my family, sexual abuse from my cousin, multiple sexual assaults (one recent in last September), bullied K-12, emotional abuse, anything you can think of.

i'm ready to pass. i was never made for this weird, cruel planet. i'm going to miss the 3 people and my 2 dogs, but in my belief i can still love them from the afterlife. i'm done. i'm writing my note(s) as i type. i wish things could've been different. but it is what it is.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Your story breaks my heart. I hope you find peace. I'm sorry to hear how much of a struggle it has been.

 

[indica]

many autistic adults, especially women and genderqueer people, are at first misdiagnosed with bpd.

 

[emptyjokes]

Really saddens me to read about your struggles, you deserve so much better. I'm sending love your way however I can, and I hope there is peace in the future, however you decide to proceed.

 

[MsMaudlin]

I'm so sorry you went through all those things.
I wish you well for the future, whichever path you decide to take.

❤

 

[TheWood]

Your story is very sad and I'm sorry. I hope you finally find peace in this world or elsewhere

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really is so cruel and unfair and I'm sorry that you have suffered so unbearably in life. I wish you relief from pain, I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[Sslsh]

Sad that it has come to this. Hope you find a smooth passage.

 

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

hello all, thank you all very much for your compassion and understanding, i appreciate it immensely. i was put on crisis alert at the end of last week and have not been able to get alone time, so it is delayed. i am feeling slightly conflicted, but still very much want to end it. but i'll update accordingly if anything.

again, thank you all so much!

many autistic adults, especially women and genderqueer people, are at first misdiagnosed with bpd.

that's wild you say that, they have tentatively diagnosed me with autism as well ("high functioning" but still there)

 

[I need peace]

I also have BPD, and I feel really sad hearing your struggles, I hope you find your peace,, however that is

 

[wait.what]

I'm so sorry that the world has brought you to this point. I really dislike the entire slate of personality disorder diagnoses. BPD in particular used to mostly be a dog whistle from one therapist to another that a particular patient was a pain in the ass and also incurable anyway, so don't bother. Some probably still use it that way. Life is extra hard when even the "professional healers" are cruel to you.

 

[wljourney]

I'm so sorry that the world has brought you to this point. I really dislike the entire slate of personality disorder diagnoses. BPD in particular used to mostly be a dog whistle from one therapist to another that a particular patient was a pain in the ass and also incurable anyway, so don't bother. Some probably still use it that way. Life is extra hard when even the "professional healers" are cruel to you.

Yup very much this.

It can cause severe trauma (sanctuary trauma, medical trauma) in people who have already been traumatized in the past.

Little research is done into this since medical professionals would have to admit their own biases and failures.

 

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

I also have BPD, and I feel really sad hearing your struggles, I hope you find your peace,, however that is

thank you, much appreciated

I'm so sorry that the world has brought you to this point. I really dislike the entire slate of personality disorder diagnoses. BPD in particular used to mostly be a dog whistle from one therapist to another that a particular patient was a pain in the ass and also incurable anyway, so don't bother. Some probably still use it that way. Life is extra hard when even the "professional healers" are cruel to you.

YES oh man, everyone looks at me as a lost cause. i'll do good, then something will happen, i'll spiral, and people will mistreat/not wanna deal with me (even the "professionals" like at my group home). it's so tiring.

Yup very much this.

It can cause severe trauma (sanctuary trauma, medical trauma) in people who have already been traumatized in the past.

Little research is done into this since medical professionals would have to admit their own biases and failures.

THIS. it's wild.

i've always wanted to go into practice in SW or psych, took some classes, loved it, but i'm too sick right now.

i want so badly to help and to change at least one person's life, even if on a micro scale/level. i get the trauma/pain firsthand, so i feel like MAYBE i could help.

 

[Alyatl]

Yup very much this.

It can cause severe trauma (sanctuary trauma, medical trauma) in people who have already been traumatized in the past.

Little research is done into this since medical professionals would have to admit their own biases and failures.

I swear the day I got diagnosed with BPD and the subsequent weeks were damn near more traumatizing than the shit that's happened to me in the past.

My heart goes out to you OP, life is unbelievably cruel. I hope you can find the peace you deserve no matter what you choose to do.

 

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

@RainAndSadness @Lullaby @Despondent could i please get this post and the my "k*lling myself after the hospital" post from last month or Sept taken down please? still alive somehow (nothing went according to plan)

 

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

@RainAndSadness @Lullaby @Despondent could i please get this post and the my "k*lling myself after the hospital" post from last month or Sept taken down please? still alive somehow (nothing went according to plan)

sorry just read the clause about mass deleting and PM-ing. thank u for the user change.

 

[SeenMoreThanEnough]

sorry just read the clause about mass deleting and PM-ing. thank u for the user change.

Just read your OP. Glad you're still alive. Maybe there's still hope for you -- it's not over until it's over, and I feel 24 is still very young. Good luck to you.

 

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

@RainAndSadness @Lullaby @Despondent could i please get this post and the my "k*lling myself after the hospital" post from last month or Sept taken down please? still alive somehow (nothing went according to plan)

sorry just read the clause about mass deletion. thank you for the username change.

Just read your OP. Glad you're still alive. Maybe there's still hope for you -- it's not over until it's over, and I feel 24 is still very young. Good luck to you.

thank you so much. i actually didn't think anyone would see and was gonna delete my account shortly as i was about to attempt. got the stuff that almost killed me last time and MORE of it.

"lost" my fiance (cheated on me 2 days ago with phone i bought i didn't want to and his mom who hates me told me not to, with ex who "ruined his life" and got an order against him now they want me to get one against him), the baby, whole family, etc. i am also homeless because i tried to get one against original narc. now 2 DV threats i guess. i've been out trying to return the phone (did) but had money taken from a fake Uber, then a real one showed up, started my ride w/o me in it, then cancelled and there are none at all in this area, especially during the Holidays. and ex fiance's mommy could've dropped it off directly since he has her, a mom, and a family, and so much more than me. she could text me really emotionless that it's at the station. no remorse
from her or her son despite his psych trying to help and reaching her. calling the place i'm staying to come get me or something. but when i get back, honestly 9/10 gonna ingest the stuff plus a bunch of melatonin gummies. 2 mg makes me so sleepy, have a whole bottle plus much more of the other stuff. will be out cold then dead if so. i'm just numb. i feel disgusted with everything/everyone especially myself.

24 years wasted. i hope everyone is happy. his psych told me to pls take care of myself and that he believes ME (he was a victim of abuse and kicked out young, seemed shocked like audible-jaw-drop-shocked by what ex did. and knows he doesn't tell the full story or truth often) and i did the best i could with ex and everyone else, that i am great and could have a great life and they want me to and blablabla like everyone else says at first until i do something they don't like (as simple as breathe or ask a question to understand them sometimes). i'm just numb.

trying to enjoy a hot cocoa/cookie at the local McD's and get back. everyone can get what they've all told me (esp my mom and dad) they REALLY want.