Venting ctb to find peace of mind?

[orca87]

I only wanted the pain to stop. I became more and more obsessed with the idea of ctb.

The pain grows stronger each day, my purpose in life gets more distant, and the slight glimmer of hope slowly goes out. Having the option to ctb was actually a good feeling. Now, even that doesn't give me comfort anymore. I have become so indifferent and lethargic. Ctb itself seems so distant and unbearable to prepare, too. Not because of SI, but because my body and my mind have become so immobile as if they were made from pure lead.

I'm losing my mind. I'm grieving. It seems I'm punishing myself by denying myself of only way out – preparing my bus ride

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound so tiring and awful being trapped in that situation, it's just so horrible how existing just gets more unbearable as time goes on. At least to me the thought of leaving this world is certainly something that is very appealing but I hate how difficult it is. But anyway I wish you the best.