CTB next week

[someonelse]

I'm planning to ctb next weekend. My SN just arrived in the mail today and I'm speaking to my doctor on Monday about a prescription for an anti emetic.

I've been crying a lot when I'm not too numb to think about it. I know I'm going to hurt friends and my family but my pain is unbearable. Im 44, HIV positive and bipolar 1 with generalized anxiety disorder. Being bipolar has ruined my life. I have extremely intense manic episodes (I once ended up in jail for four months following an episode). When I'm manic I post so many horrifying and embarrassing things on social media and at times get really mean and say the most horrendous, evil things to people who care about me.

I'm a freelancer and have alienated all possible job prospects/clients through my erratic behavior when I'm manic. I have no real career prospects (or aspirations for that matter) left.

My psych will no longer give me anti depressants because she (and I) think I went manic the last time because I was on too high doses of them. So I've been white knuckling it, feeling super depressed but I can't take anything to help. And I don't have the motivation or energy to even go outside, let alone exercise or anything else that might make me feel better. My psych doesn't care about me anyway—she's pretty unsympathetic even when I tell her I'm suicidal.

I feel such a sense of relief when I think about catching the bus. The thought of just going to sleep and never waking up is all I want in the world. Im afraid I'm going to mess it up somehow but I live alone and no one ever comes to my door so I'm hoping all goes according to plan.

I guess I just wanted to post something here before I go. I'm finding a lot of comfort in reading the posts here. Thanks in advance for any support.

 

[gottago222]

im so sorry you have been through all of that. so many victims here and all over the world of psychiatry. i pray you find the peace the you are searching for.

 

[miserableforever]

I understand. Self sabotage is my 'best' talent.
I can't do anything to change your life or make it better. You sound like a passionate human being with lots of stories to tell. It always make me sad to see someone like you depart.
I hope your final journey will give you the break you deserve. And if you decide against it, there will be always be someone here listening.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are in so much pain, I'm sorry you are in this situation. The thought of dying brings me relief as well, to me there is nothing more comforting than the thought of all the suffering ending. I wish you the best.

 

[someonelse]

I'm planning to ctb next weekend. My SN just arrived in the mail today and I'm speaking to my doctor on Monday about a prescription for an anti emetic.

I've been crying a lot when I'm not too numb to think about it. I know I'm going to hurt friends and my family but my pain is unbearable. Im 44, HIV positive and bipolar 1 with generalized anxiety disorder. Being bipolar has ruined my life. I have extremely intense manic episodes (I once ended up in jail for four months following an episode). When I'm manic I post so many horrifying and embarrassing things on social media and at times get really mean and say the most horrendous, evil things to people who care about me.

I'm a freelancer and have alienated all possible job prospects/clients through my erratic behavior when I'm manic. I have no real career prospects (or aspirations for that matter) left.

My psych will no longer give me anti depressants because she (and I) think I went manic the last time because I was on too high doses of them. So I've been white knuckling it, feeling super depressed but I can't take anything to help. And I don't have the motivation or energy to even go outside, let alone exercise or anything else that might make me feel better. My psych doesn't care about me anyway—she's pretty unsympathetic even when I tell her I'm suicidal.

I feel such a sense of relief when I think about catching the bus. The thought of just going to sleep and never waking up is all I want in the world. Im afraid I'm going to mess it up somehow but I live alone and no one ever comes to my door so I'm hoping all goes according to plan.

I guess I just wanted to post something here before I go. I'm finding a lot of comfort in reading the posts here. Thanks in advance for any support.

I can't stop crying when I think about the fact that I'm having my last conversations with friends and family and they don't know but I do.

 

[Bone]

Your story mirrors my own in so many ways. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 w/Psychosis a few yrs ago. I have had 3 total severe manic/psychotic episodes, the most recent of which ended in being jailed for a couple weeks (have other charges floating out there that may or may not still be filed.) I am also a freelancer and, during my most recent episode, leaked important secret documents I was working on on social media, as well as burned bridges with people I wanted to work with or was connected to in various ways. I posted wild stupid conspiracy shit on my feed during this most recent episode, just basically a stream of consciousness that was full of delusions and paranoia, as well as grandiose thinking. So embarrassing to family and friends and my life is forever changed.

I also had a psychiatrist who had me on an anti-depressant as well as a sleeping pill for a long time. Once it was clear I was ramping up, she tried to get me back on anti-psychotics and I refused and walked out, thinking she was in on some conspiracy to halt my creative progress. Even in all this she was strangely robotic and mechanical and it didn't seem like she cared that much or would have accepted responsibility for it, even though her taking me off APs and getting me on an SSRI in the first place had to have contributed to my episode.

I have also said horrible things to many people who care / cared about me, and now I have retreated as far as possible and removed myself from all facets of society. I had an HIV scare myself 1.5 yrs ago, tested negative after PEP, but am still paranoid I may have contracted it since my last negative test. I also have horrific anxiety (not diagnosed GAD but... I mean come on). I'll hold off from saying all the shit that has happened during these episodes but I just wanted to point out that I relate to your story more than probably any others I've read on this forum. I'm mid 30s and not sure what to do next; I don't see any way out. My mom is dying and my dad seems to be barely holding on; living with him now while mom clings to life in the ICU with liver failure due to alcoholism. Everything I had fell apart and I made a public mockery of myself.

Just wanted to say I relate. I have SN and associated meds and think about taking it every single day. I have no income and really, a very, very small chance at figuring out a way forward for myself. If anything happens to my dad I'm starting the SN protocol immediately. Every day is a battle to try and distract myself from all the awful shit in my own life and in the world. Even to get out of bed is a victory. I dunno what else to say except I "get it". Sorry you are living through this hell which you probably don't deserve in the slightest.

 

[someonelse]

Your story mirrors my own in so many ways. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 w/Psychosis a few yrs ago. I have had 3 total severe manic/psychotic episodes, the most recent of which ended in being jailed for a couple weeks (have other charges floating out there that may or may not still be filed.) I am also a freelancer and, during my most recent episode, leaked important secret documents I was working on on social media, as well as burned bridges with people I wanted to work with or was connected to in various ways. I posted wild stupid conspiracy shit on my feed during this most recent episode, just basically a stream of consciousness that was full of delusions and paranoia, as well as grandiose thinking. So embarrassing to family and friends and my life is forever changed.

I also had a psychiatrist who had me on an anti-depressant as well as a sleeping pill for a long time. Once it was clear I was ramping up, she tried to get me back on anti-psychotics and I refused and walked out, thinking she was in on some conspiracy to halt my creative progress. Even in all this she was strangely robotic and mechanical and it didn't seem like she cared that much or would have accepted responsibility for it, even though her taking me off APs and getting me on an SSRI in the first place had to have contributed to my episode.

I have also said horrible things to many people who care / cared about me, and now I have retreated as far as possible and removed myself from all facets of society. I had an HIV scare myself 1.5 yrs ago, tested negative after PEP, but am still paranoid I may have contracted it since my last negative test. I also have horrific anxiety (not diagnosed GAD but... I mean come on). I'll hold off from saying all the shit that has happened during these episodes but I just wanted to point out that I relate to your story more than probably any others I've read on this forum. I'm mid 30s and not sure what to do next; I don't see any way out. My mom is dying and my dad seems to be barely holding on; living with him now while mom clings to life in the ICU with liver failure due to alcoholism. Everything I had fell apart and I made a public mockery of myself.

Just wanted to say I relate. I have SN and associated meds and think about taking it every single day. I have no income and really, a very, very small chance at figuring out a way forward for myself. If anything happens to my dad I'm starting the SN protocol immediately. Every day is a battle to try and distract myself from all the awful shit in my own life and in the world. Even to get out of bed is a victory. I dunno what else to say except I "get it". Sorry you are living through this hell which you probably don't deserve in the slightest.

Thanks for writing. It does seem like we have a lot of similarities in our experiences. I'm sorry to hear your parents are sick. Mine are older and getting there and I feel the same way: if something were to happen to my dad I would just end it. When I was manic last time I told some people he died and I feel terrible for that. I don't know what to do either. My plan is still to ctb on Saturday night but it also gets scarier as it gets closer. I'm not sure if I'll have to guts to do it but am hoping i do. Have been crying a lot this week. I don't know what other options I have really — my life is a mess and I have nothing to live for. Rest sounds like heaven.

 

[Rabhen]

I'm planning to ctb next weekend. My SN just arrived in the mail today and I'm speaking to my doctor on Monday about a prescription for an anti emetic.

I've been crying a lot when I'm not too numb to think about it. I know I'm going to hurt friends and my family but my pain is unbearable. Im 44, HIV positive and bipolar 1 with generalized anxiety disorder. Being bipolar has ruined my life. I have extremely intense manic episodes (I once ended up in jail for four months following an episode). When I'm manic I post so many horrifying and embarrassing things on social media and at times get really mean and say the most horrendous, evil things to people who care about me.

I'm a freelancer and have alienated all possible job prospects/clients through my erratic behavior when I'm manic. I have no real career prospects (or aspirations for that matter) left.

My psych will no longer give me anti depressants because she (and I) think I went manic the last time because I was on too high doses of them. So I've been white knuckling it, feeling super depressed but I can't take anything to help. And I don't have the motivation or energy to even go outside, let alone exercise or anything else that might make me feel better. My psych doesn't care about me anyway—she's pretty unsympathetic even when I tell her I'm suicidal.

I feel such a sense of relief when I think about catching the bus. The thought of just going to sleep and never waking up is all I want in the world. Im afraid I'm going to mess it up somehow but I live alone and no one ever comes to my door so I'm hoping all goes according to plan.

I guess I just wanted to post something here before I go. I'm finding a lot of comfort in reading the posts here. Thanks in advance for any support.

I would like to find you are still here and doing okay, but if you have gone, I wish you well on any journey to be made, I would like you to have peace and comfort. I find comfort reading these posts as well. Part of me is jealous that you have found your way out, not sure what SN is too new here, I would like to find it is a warm comforting release if you choose to go, part of me is angry to be left here behind when so many are able to find their way out, but the largest part of me pangs with a dulled sadness at the loss of someone whose words touched my being.

 

[Bone]

Thanks for writing. It does seem like we have a lot of similarities in our experiences. I'm sorry to hear your parents are sick. Mine are older and getting there and I feel the same way: if something were to happen to my dad I would just end it. When I was manic last time I told some people he died and I feel terrible for that. I don't know what to do either. My plan is still to ctb on Saturday night but it also gets scarier as it gets closer. I'm not sure if I'll have to guts to do it but am hoping i do. Have been crying a lot this week. I don't know what other options I have really — my life is a mess and I have nothing to live for. Rest sounds like heaven.

I have spent many, many hours over the past 9 months crying myself too, ever since my last episode ended, and not a damn thing has changed except my parent's health and mental state continues to decline, along with my own. I too don't have any options, though I am at least glad to be able to stay with my dad and be here for him during this tough time, helping out around the house and with cooking, etc. I think about taking the SN all the time. I threatened my mom during my last episode because I thought she was trying to kill me. Now she's almost dead, her health has given out quite quickly. She abused me emotionally a lot growing up though so it's quite complicated; I have a feeling the trauma she put me through was a factor in what I said and the delusions I had about her. Anyway, I truly do not see a way out either. Just biding time and making it through day by day until life forces my hand. It's hardly a life though because I think about suicide constantly. I had a deadline a month before Christmas to CTB that I could not bring myself to go through with. I dunno what to say except I really relate and I am so sorry life has brought you to this place. CTB scares the fk outta me but it also feels better to have the option if life pushes me much further, which seems inevitable at this point. People and society are so extremely callous and unsympathetic when it comes to severe mental illness. I wish I could help you; I wish I could help myself.

 

[someonelse]

I have spent many, many hours over the past 9 months crying myself too, ever since my last episode ended, and not a damn thing has changed except my parent's health and mental state continues to decline, along with my own. I too don't have any options, though I am at least glad to be able to stay with my dad and be here for him during this tough time, helping out around the house and with cooking, etc. I think about taking the SN all the time. I threatened my mom during my last episode because I thought she was trying to kill me. Now she's almost dead, her health has given out quite quickly. She abused me emotionally a lot growing up though so it's quite complicated; I have a feeling the trauma she put me through was a factor in what I said and the delusions I had about her. Anyway, I truly do not see a way out either. Just biding time and making it through day by day until life forces my hand. It's hardly a life though because I think about suicide constantly. I had a deadline a month before Christmas to CTB that I could not bring myself to go through with. I dunno what to say except I really relate and I am so sorry life has brought you to this place. CTB scares the fk outta me but it also feels better to have the option if life pushes me much further, which seems inevitable at this point. People and society are so extremely callous and unsympathetic when it comes to severe mental illness. I wish I could help you; I wish I could help myself.

I'm really sorry you're in so much pain. There are a lot of similarities in our stories. I wish there were some other options for me but death seems to be the only way out. Being bipolar ruined life. I've been through a lot of hard things but it's this disease that ruined me. CTB scares the fuck out of me too. I have my SN that I'm taking midnight on Saturday. I hope I don't chicken out or worse yet throw it up and end up in the hospital. I've found a lot of comfort on this website and I'm really glad to have met you.