Venting CTB is the only way out of being ugly

[wastingtime]

i never had a guy like me. i was never anybody's option to date. even now i have guy friends flirting with my friends next to me and they pretend like i'm not even there. i'm so fucking tired. as if being ugly isnt enough i suffer from pcos and thyroid issues that make me even uglier. i don't even feel like a girl. i love cute things and pink things but my outside doesnt match with my inside. it probably makes me even more disgusting to have such a big gap between the two.
my friends talk about my personality and say i'm funny when i bring up my looks. i don't think i'm objectively hideous but theres so many pretty girls out there that set the standard and i am just very out of the radar.
i'm always bullied and undermined in this world. people beat me down until i have no will to defend myself then blame me for being weak. as if it's my fault for never having support to lean onto.
i literally can't take it anymore. i know it might sound like a stupid reason compared to everything others go through but this is just one of the many big issues in my life and theres quite literally Nothing i can do to change it. CTB is the only way out of this disgusting vessel. i doubt anybody would miss me. they would probably think they never had anything to do with me anyway. i know i won't be missed because even though i am not very discreet about my plans nobody ever reaches out to me. they probably think i'm being dramatic and too scared to CTB or want me to die and get over with it already. I'm tired. all i want is to feel valid but its impossible.

My last attempt was in August 13, 5 years ago. I was joking about it being my second birthday but i had never felt so alone in my life last week. i realized nothing has changed since then and i only wasted everybody's time continuing on this sad life. If SI hadn't gotten in my way people wouldve well gotten over mourning by now. I am only wasting more and more time each day. Now that i'm an adult it feels like its too late now and my family invested too much in me to give up now. I feel like i died 5 years ago and i'm only a walking breathing empty shell now. it never got better. it never does.

 

[HappyForever?]

I'm a guy but I suffer from the same. It's a perfectly valid reason to CTB. Being alone and ostracized because of something completely outside our control is extremely painful. Hugs to you. I wish you the best.

 

[NightshadeDreamer]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Makes me sad to read what you're experiencing. It's not easy being treated that way. But you have worth.

 

[HighFlight]

I (he/him) grew up in a time when bullying was not only OK, but expected. I was the smallest kid in my class and was constantly bullied and ostracized. Girls wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk to me. But ctb wasn't really an option for me - I wouldn't have known where to begin and probably would have fucked it up. (SaSu didn't exist - fuck, the internet didn't really exist.)

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this too. Hopefully you can find some peace, love and support from this community, and know that you really do have value. But please be thoughtful in your decisions about how to proceed. And I'm open to talking if you think it would help.

 

[toofargone6969]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I relate to you so much and you're not alone. I hate that we have to feel this way. I wish my outside matched the inside. People say it's not important but they're liars. It's a valid reason to want to CTB and I think I also have pcos. I'm here if you ever want to talk or vent. Its extremely hard having these conditions that doctors don't care about or understand and there's no good treatments. I wish it could be different for us

 

[MrDarkness]

I know how your feeling, I'm a guy I've been often told I look like a rapest pedo etc, shits awful, we can all find someone eventually, I'm sick of waiting tbh

 

[wastingtime]

I know how your feeling, I'm a guy I've been often told I look like a rapest pedo etc, shits awful, we can all find someone eventually, I'm sick of waiting tbh

im sorry you had to hear that, it's so messed up.. what the hell does a r*pist even look like? they will use words like this then go and defend real criminals just because they have an attractive mugshot. its sickening

 

[ChildrensITV]

i never had a guy like me. i was never anybody's option to date. even now i have guy friends flirting with my friends next to me and they pretend like i'm not even there. i'm so fucking tired. as if being ugly isnt enough i suffer from pcos and thyroid issues that make me even uglier. i don't even feel like a girl. i love cute things and pink things but my outside doesnt match with my inside. it probably makes me even more disgusting to have such a big gap between the two.
...

Are you biologically a woman or trans? If you are trans, that can narrow your dating market. If not, then ignore that. I was just throwing that out there cuz you said your outside doesn't match with your inside. So, I will just assume your are biologically a woman from this point on. Any woman who says she has no men interested in her, I challenge them to say that after having an online-dating profile. The average woman gets burnout from online-dating as they get too many matches, so a below average-looking woman should get a "healthy" amount of replies. I feel that you haven't tried it before.

I feel what you said about wishing you had CTB'd years ago as a child so your family would be over it by now. It feels like, if you rope as a child, all that was invested in you was clothes, food and care, but now that you're an adult, they have much more hopes and expectations for you and they are more attached to you. Like, you survived to this age so they probably feel that you are okay now and will live for another 60+ years. I totally get you.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

not a stupid reason

 

[ChildrensITV]

im sorry you had to hear that, it's so messed up.. what the hell does a r*pist even look like? they will use words like this then go and defend real criminals just because they have an attractive mugshot. its sickening

In most people's minds, a rapist looks ugly. A goodlooking man wouldn't need to rape.

 

[NancyVicious]

I hear you. My own mother once told me that my partner at the time was too good looking for me. When he was gone ( a violent an unpleasant guy, which she knew) she told me I would be alone forever now because no one would want me. And the self doubt doubt in your own head is even worse to deal with than the comments from others.

I just want you to know that not everyone sees people like that. Although I objectively look at myself and see ugly, when I look at other people, I don't notice weight or wrinkles or scars. I notice personalities, intelligence, kindness. Decent people will see those things in you. You can be beautiful to someone else even if you don't feel you are. Decent people may be harder to come by but they are out there and you do matter

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really dreadful to me how humans are so unnecessarily cruel in this world, to me humans certainly are the worst species. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Marine]

Are you biologically a woman or trans? If you are trans, that can narrow your dating market. If not, then ignore that. I was just throwing that out there cuz you said your outside doesn't match with your inside. So, I will just assume your are biologically a woman from this point on. Any woman who says she has no men interested in her, I challenge them to say that after having an online-dating profile. The average woman gets burnout from online-dating as they get too many matches, so a below average-looking woman should get a "healthy" amount of replies. I feel that you haven't tried it before.

I feel what you said about wishing you had CTB'd years ago as a child so your family would be over it by now. It feels like, if you rope as a child, all that was invested in you was clothes, food and care, but now that you're an adult, they have much more hopes and expectations for you and they are more attached to you. Like, you survived to this age so they probably feel that you are okay now and will live for another 60+ years. I totally get you.

According to what you pretend about dating sites I should logically be the fugliest being around (my profile picture is me btw, I have no sense of self image at this point other than "definitely not good enough" so I can't say either way). Dating sites are probably the biggest factor to my being suicidal. Only men think that way because they assume stuff that's outdated I think. Or I'm missing something.

 

[Apathy79]

I doubt it helps but the extreme focus on looks in determining your worth is also a product of your age. It will very gradually fade in importance. In the 2nd half of life, looks are almost entirely irrelevant. But that's a long way off and you'd need to decide if you can endure the interim.

 

[Marine]

i never had a guy like me. i was never anybody's option to date. even now i have guy friends flirting with my friends next to me and they pretend like i'm not even there. i'm so fucking tired. as if being ugly isnt enough i suffer from pcos and thyroid issues that make me even uglier. i don't even feel like a girl. i love cute things and pink things but my outside doesnt match with my inside. it probably makes me even more disgusting to have such a big gap between the two.
my friends talk about my personality and say i'm funny when i bring up my looks. i don't think i'm objectively hideous but theres so many pretty girls out there that set the standard and i am just very out of the radar.
i'm always bullied and undermined in this world. people beat me down until i have no will to defend myself then blame me for being weak. as if it's my fault for never having support to lean onto.
i literally can't take it anymore. i know it might sound like a stupid reason compared to everything others go through but this is just one of the many big issues in my life and theres quite literally Nothing i can do to change it. CTB is the only way out of this disgusting vessel. i doubt anybody would miss me. they would probably think they never had anything to do with me anyway. i know i won't be missed because even though i am not very discreet about my plans nobody ever reaches out to me. they probably think i'm being dramatic and too scared to CTB or want me to die and get over with it already. I'm tired. all i want is to feel valid but its impossible.

My last attempt was in August 13, 5 years ago. I was joking about it being my second birthday but i had never felt so alone in my life last week. i realized nothing has changed since then and i only wasted everybody's time continuing on this sad life. If SI hadn't gotten in my way people wouldve well gotten over mourning by now. I am only wasting more and more time each day. Now that i'm an adult it feels like its too late now and my family invested too much in me to give up now. I feel like i died 5 years ago and i'm only a walking breathing empty shell now. it never got better. it never does.

I feel you too much... I could have written that... I feel like there should be a way to improve ourselves enough to look beautiful but lovelessness keeps me stuck in a hopeless bulimic cycle that deforms me and I don't know what you look like to potentially help you. I know many ugly girls with atttractive guys though so that shouldn't be an excuse I can't start to pinpoint what my problem is. Changing the way I look at myself and treat myself hasn't done shit... I don't feel like I can end like this after death being denied me 3 times in a row and having so much need for vengeance (through success not harm) and reparation...

I hear you. My own mother once told me that my partner at the time was too good looking for me. When he was gone ( a violent an unpleasant guy, which she knew) she told me I would be alone forever now because no one would want me. And the self doubt doubt in your own head is even worse to deal with than the comments from others.

I just want you to know that not everyone sees people like that. Although I objectively look at myself and see ugly, when I look at other people, I don't notice weight or wrinkles or scars. I notice personalities, intelligence, kindness. Decent people will see those things in you. You can be beautiful to someone else even if you don't feel you are. Decent people may be harder to come by but they are out there and you do matter

I feel like the real source of such problems is abusive parents like that. But knowing that it's the case and that it's their being sick and projecting their suffering onto me, not it being an objective truth and therefore being unrelated to me hasn't changed anything so I don't know what to do about it... I've been in therapy for decades and it's only made matters worse if anything... Doing extensive self research of psychology, spirituality, meditation (among which the Dispenza method), EFT, self hypnosis, mind movies, occult knowledge etc hasn't fixed anything either.

I feel like without external validation of enough people nothing can change at this point. No further internal change can occur alone...

 

[StellaSomnus]

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all that. I am a below average person myself appearance-wise and I was able to date my crush who's my classmate during the final year of school, and she did admit to me that my appearance wasn't the best but it was my personality and dynamic with her is why I fell in love with her in the first place (admittedly, her appearance wasn't the best either as I do find someone else from another class to be my type) and subsequently she liked me back. Our relationship only lasted less than a year unfortunately, and I have been single for 6 years with no interest in pursuing love.

But appearance isn't everything, it's also the personality and finding the right person. To quote Andrea Rhodea from Final Fantasy VII Remake:

"True beauty is the expression of the heart. A thing without shame, to which notions of gender don't apply."

I hold this line with me as I grew up, appearance is just half the story, the heart takes the majority. If a person only looks at you through your appearance, chances are, they're not worth your time or even interest in the first place.

I've met a lot of other girls throughout my university years and even my dead end job, though some look pretty, there's only one coworker that I have interest in because of our dynamic but I haven't seen her in months sadly. But it's fine, I'm not too into pursuing love.

 

[Zaphkiel]

According to what you pretend about dating sites I should logically be the fugliest being around (my profile picture is me btw, I have no sense of self image at this point other than "definitely not good enough" so I can't say either way). Dating sites are probably the biggest factor to my being suicidal. Only men think that way because they assume stuff that's outdated I think. Or I'm missing something.

Not doing any seduction or anything, but i think you're cute.
And i'm sure OP is, too.

Also, beauty depend from person to person, and there are also people that doesnt care about it.

 

[Marine]

Not doing any seduction or anything, but i think you're cute.
And i'm sure OP is, too.

Also, beauty depend from person to person, and there are also people that doesnt care about it.

Thank you, though if I'm not beautiful it's not good enough (I do utterly suck at taking photos though that's a fact I can't seem to fix), but there are obviously some objective traits to beauty. I care about it, we have an incarnation for a good reason, I need to be seen as beautiful and I'll settle for no less. But either way I can't find a solution to the treatment I get on dating sites and outside for that matter.

 

[permanent_solution]

yeah, i went for a long walk two weeks ago and saw a couple pretty girls, havent been out since, lol. the outside not matching the inside is what gets me too, i cant act how i want, cant be who i want, it would always look and feel off, i think. im honestly tired of it, i wish it to be over everyday. i wake up - immediately feel like shit, because i look like one. amongst other things. if only it was easy... id go now, but i have no means that make it easy or easier. sadly. guys always interject in these threads, talking about this and that, online dating. who cares? its much more than that, to be an ugly girl, than dating. much more. and im fucking sick of it. i tried a dozen times to hang myself about 5 years back, and too, am here, obviously. and nothing good happened like i thought it would, just because i stuck around. covid, economy in shambles, war, economy in shambles, senseless death, and yet another chronic illness gained. nothing fantastic was going to happen because i chickened out and decided against the noose..

 

[MrDarkness]

im sorry you had to hear that, it's so messed up.. what the hell does a r*pist even look like? they will use words like this then go and defend real criminals just because they have an attractive mugshot. its sickening

Exactly

 

[ChildrensITV]

According to what you pretend about dating sites I should logically be the fugliest being around (my profile picture is me btw, I have no sense of self image at this point other than "definitely not good enough" so I can't say either way). Dating sites are probably the biggest factor to my being suicidal. Only men think that way because they assume stuff that's outdated I think. Or I'm missing something.

Hi, there is definitely some stuff you can do to improve your looks. Your hairstyle isn't doing much for you and is exposing your high hairline. Maybe some procedures to make your lips look thicker. I don't know which dating site you're on but some are better than others.

 

[Marine]

Hi, there is definitely some stuff you can do to improve your looks. Your hairstyle isn't doing much for you and is exposing your high hairline. Maybe some procedures to make your lips look thicker. I don't know which dating site you're on but some are better than others.

Sorry but I love my hairstyle (I need a haircut though, I'm going tomorrow), it's my favorite out of all I've tried, and I've suffered pretty bad hair loss due to a past medication so I never found a better way to hide that, like I can't grow a fringe for example, I'm still looking for a working remedy to that problem because my hair looks weird no matter what most of the time. I don't want to fix it artificially with extensions even less a wig though, I want a real solution.

What kind of hairstyle did you have in mind though ?

My lips don't bother me that much. But if you mean plastic surgery I can't afford it and I would do many other procedures before that if I could. I don't know of any other way to potentially fill my lips.

What bothers me is fat, wrinkles, sagginess, oxidation, inflammation, irritation, water retention, and loss of tonicity because of the aforementioned health issues (long term eating disorder, severe ongoing trauma because of the unchanging situation and the stupid medication that affected my face structure and skin even). And hair damage obviously.
Among the things I can change.
Just losing weight and getting healthy would fix A LOT I know, the problem is how lovelessness and constant rejection keep me so disconnected and agonizing I haven't been able to go back to healthy restriction in forever... It's the source of my poor health. If I could find a competent doctor that would help too but I've had no luck for years now...

I'm on every major one and others. I'm clearly cursed or shadowbanned / invisible though and apparently dating sites keep pushing the user to pay to make them work at all according to other users. At least that's one rationalization but it's not enough to explain WTF is going on unfortunately.

 

[NotBart]

I kinda relate to this, I don't think my face is the problem but I'm a 1.6m tall man, which as everyone knows is problably the most unattractive thing for a man.
I'm shorter than 90% of man, everyone makes fun of short mans in social media and real life ( any male under 1.7 is not a male haha.. so funny)
Not only that, but it's a fact taller man are taken way more seriously and have a higher chance of getting better jobs/positions...
I hate it so much. So much. Why me? I can't do anything to fix it, it's just going to be like that forever