Huggs
Wish for peace
- Jul 6, 2023
- 209
I've been passively looking at ways to die for years, end of last year is when I really started digging without abandon. Because of the media attention and depiction suicide gets, it's made out to be a simple thing, a very in reach decision people make. After all my research, I've found the exact opposite. Taking your life is extremely difficult, not in the mental sense but in the technical sense. It is absolutely insane how much battery the human body takes, it's horrifying. The failure rates are horrifying. I'm attempting in November if everything goes right, but even with the plan I've been crafting after pouring time in, everything I've looked at says failure is still likely. I've fixated on every detail I could think of and have been budgeting more than a fucking auditor—something that has been nerve wracking because I'm thousands of dollars in debt, haven't had income because of not being able to hold jobs and my credit cards are maxing out very soon.
CTB has to succeed because I'm going homeless soon, I can't function, I haven't been able to for many years, yet I feel like it's going to fail.
The methods I've decided on are CO and SN. Even though they are the most viable for me it's become clear to me that most people have trouble succeeding with either, and that's not counting the people who's accounts were locked but that failed and simply stopped posting here, I feel that crossing out of names is not a good indication on whether or not someone is with us. These methods seem to be rare enough to where newspapers often publish about them when they catch the word. Hanging, jumping and guns are the most common and not viable for me.
There are many, many factors that influence success. Take CO. The location can't be too expansive. You need at least 135 g of charcoal per cubed meter. What brand and whether it's briquettes or lump makes a large difference carbon content wise and additionally lump for example burn much hotter, briquettes burn longer. Many cars have a lot of openings buried in their interior where air escapes, vans for example are notoriously leaky. For my situation I've been thinking a tent is best. But tents, while they don't really have big cracks are very permeable and flammable, and you could knock the coals over if you end up having a seizure. The model of tent is important, you should get one with a sewn in groundsheet and large hydrostatic head. You should also seal the tent. The kind of tape matters, the materials tents are made of have low surface energy, meaning many adhesives don't stick to them well enough. There's all kinds of adhesives. The best sealing tape for tents needs the right adhesive but also should seal out air and moisture. You need bricks to cover the ground so the grill doesn't burn the ground. You need the right grill. For tents it can't be too big. A big thing is that it's never explained in the guides just how much ventilation the charcoal needs. Charcoal is more prone to producing swathes of CO2 rather than CO, it's only when there's a certain lesser amount of oxygen available that more CO is produced. But in this method, you also need the charcoal to burn in the tent for as long as possible, if it stops too soon it's over, meaning you in essence have to, without knowing, get the right balance between choking your charcoal and keeping it alive. The panic of people who failed CO attempts from rushing out of the area is likely the hypercapnic response from CO2 which is an agonizing response the body has with excess CO2–CO does not cause what they described.
All the small details in plans seem negligible, but they stack up, and they determine success in the end. And the people that did succeed with CO? The exact grills and the vents, car or tent models, buckets, tape, how sealing was done, charcoal pre-burn time and the charcoal amount they used are never said, I've found a single instance of a news report where the model of car was mentioned. I've examined every post I could find and have looked deep into the web picture matching little details, and even this hasn't helped in selecting the right material.
SN is arguably even worse. You need highly pure SN. Sourcing is a nightmare, in North America all credible sources are gone thanks to self righteous pro lifers. Medication and dosage is difficult with how variable bodies are. Fasting too long might make you more nauseous and even people that have fasted for 12 hours have reported violently vomiting. You're more likely to vomit most of the SN out than properly absorb it. Even after all this time, I don't know the materials that can get me there.
I feel like I'm really losing it trying to get this right. After spending the night up researching more I'm thinking I'll attempt in a tent inside of a wooden shed close to me at night so there's less chance of a person seeing smoke, with a large bbq outside the tent in the shed, a smaller bbq in the tent with me. The weird hypothesis there which I have to look into more is that if the tent has leaks the CO from outside the tent would diffuse in/make up for it but CO could just diffuse outwards only. I don't even know. Wood is apparently breathable too and from what I've been seeing air can leak out easily. I'm so fucking exhausted. I don't have options, I'm too stupid to figure out hanging even though I've tried many times to practice. I've thought about flex sealing the damn tent. Then something I read said that's a fire hazard and it's not compatible with the sealing tapes I've been looking at. Flex seal also is not supposed to be used for sealing gas. Flex seal. There is an almost comically absurd element to all this.
I feel like such a fucking idiot scrambling constantly and uselessly. I wish an expert could help me.
I get physically sick with stress over everything, thinking about this and how if I don't succeed I will be suffering even more deeply in this hell of living. I'm constantly panicking. I can't talk to people even on here, there's absolutely nothing in my head except tension, panic and headaches. My mind is shredded. I get aches and nausea along my body.
That's my rant. I'm at risk of going homeless before November, my chance could be ripped away early. I feel trapped, terrified and hopeless. I know I absolutely can't keep living, I need to die, but getting there feels impossible for me.
CTB has to succeed because I'm going homeless soon, I can't function, I haven't been able to for many years, yet I feel like it's going to fail.
The methods I've decided on are CO and SN. Even though they are the most viable for me it's become clear to me that most people have trouble succeeding with either, and that's not counting the people who's accounts were locked but that failed and simply stopped posting here, I feel that crossing out of names is not a good indication on whether or not someone is with us. These methods seem to be rare enough to where newspapers often publish about them when they catch the word. Hanging, jumping and guns are the most common and not viable for me.
There are many, many factors that influence success. Take CO. The location can't be too expansive. You need at least 135 g of charcoal per cubed meter. What brand and whether it's briquettes or lump makes a large difference carbon content wise and additionally lump for example burn much hotter, briquettes burn longer. Many cars have a lot of openings buried in their interior where air escapes, vans for example are notoriously leaky. For my situation I've been thinking a tent is best. But tents, while they don't really have big cracks are very permeable and flammable, and you could knock the coals over if you end up having a seizure. The model of tent is important, you should get one with a sewn in groundsheet and large hydrostatic head. You should also seal the tent. The kind of tape matters, the materials tents are made of have low surface energy, meaning many adhesives don't stick to them well enough. There's all kinds of adhesives. The best sealing tape for tents needs the right adhesive but also should seal out air and moisture. You need bricks to cover the ground so the grill doesn't burn the ground. You need the right grill. For tents it can't be too big. A big thing is that it's never explained in the guides just how much ventilation the charcoal needs. Charcoal is more prone to producing swathes of CO2 rather than CO, it's only when there's a certain lesser amount of oxygen available that more CO is produced. But in this method, you also need the charcoal to burn in the tent for as long as possible, if it stops too soon it's over, meaning you in essence have to, without knowing, get the right balance between choking your charcoal and keeping it alive. The panic of people who failed CO attempts from rushing out of the area is likely the hypercapnic response from CO2 which is an agonizing response the body has with excess CO2–CO does not cause what they described.
All the small details in plans seem negligible, but they stack up, and they determine success in the end. And the people that did succeed with CO? The exact grills and the vents, car or tent models, buckets, tape, how sealing was done, charcoal pre-burn time and the charcoal amount they used are never said, I've found a single instance of a news report where the model of car was mentioned. I've examined every post I could find and have looked deep into the web picture matching little details, and even this hasn't helped in selecting the right material.
SN is arguably even worse. You need highly pure SN. Sourcing is a nightmare, in North America all credible sources are gone thanks to self righteous pro lifers. Medication and dosage is difficult with how variable bodies are. Fasting too long might make you more nauseous and even people that have fasted for 12 hours have reported violently vomiting. You're more likely to vomit most of the SN out than properly absorb it. Even after all this time, I don't know the materials that can get me there.
I feel like I'm really losing it trying to get this right. After spending the night up researching more I'm thinking I'll attempt in a tent inside of a wooden shed close to me at night so there's less chance of a person seeing smoke, with a large bbq outside the tent in the shed, a smaller bbq in the tent with me. The weird hypothesis there which I have to look into more is that if the tent has leaks the CO from outside the tent would diffuse in/make up for it but CO could just diffuse outwards only. I don't even know. Wood is apparently breathable too and from what I've been seeing air can leak out easily. I'm so fucking exhausted. I don't have options, I'm too stupid to figure out hanging even though I've tried many times to practice. I've thought about flex sealing the damn tent. Then something I read said that's a fire hazard and it's not compatible with the sealing tapes I've been looking at. Flex seal also is not supposed to be used for sealing gas. Flex seal. There is an almost comically absurd element to all this.
I feel like such a fucking idiot scrambling constantly and uselessly. I wish an expert could help me.
I get physically sick with stress over everything, thinking about this and how if I don't succeed I will be suffering even more deeply in this hell of living. I'm constantly panicking. I can't talk to people even on here, there's absolutely nothing in my head except tension, panic and headaches. My mind is shredded. I get aches and nausea along my body.
That's my rant. I'm at risk of going homeless before November, my chance could be ripped away early. I feel trapped, terrified and hopeless. I know I absolutely can't keep living, I need to die, but getting there feels impossible for me.
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