ctb day today and i don't feel anything

[squidgirl]

it's currently the morning. i'm going to take ~20gm sn at 11:00 pm tonight. the thing is, i'm not scared. i don't really feel anything. maybe it's just because it's happening later today, so my brain can still compartmentalize it or something. i don't know, i just see all these posts about people being antsy or scared or excited and i feel weird for not feeling.

 

[*Psyche*]

it's currently the morning. i'm going to take ~20gm sn at 11:00 pm tonight. the thing is, i'm not scared. i don't really feel anything. maybe it's just because it's happening later today, so my brain can still compartmentalize it or something. i don't know, i just see all these posts about people being antsy or scared or excited and i feel weird for not feeling.

I really hope you're able to hold on to that feeling & find peace on the other side ❤

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Is there anything you would like to get off your chest before you ctb?

 

[doesntmatter_94]

it's currently the morning. i'm going to take ~20gm sn at 11:00 pm tonight. the thing is, i'm not scared. i don't really feel anything. maybe it's just because it's happening later today, so my brain can still compartmentalize it or something. i don't know, i just see all these posts about people being antsy or scared or excited and i feel weird for not feeling.

I totally understand! I had a failed attempt last weekend and I felt the same way. I was like, what is wrong with me? Shouldn't I be scared or anything? Why do I feel like this is just another day? For me, the feelings never came back that day. When I was mixing the thing and was ready to drink it, I was sure that my SI would kick in. But nope. Nothing. I read about people waiting for hours and couldn't do it. I didn't take any time to think. I just drank it like it was a cup of tea.

Good luck to you! And remember, if the feeling do show up, it's always okay to back out.

 

[squidgirl]

Is there anything you would like to get off your chest before you ctb?

despite my dad being a good person, i still foster some resentment to him, because he knew that my mother has a mental illness and would be abusive, had the chance to abort me, and chose not to.

I totally understand! I had a failed attempt last weekend and I felt the same way. I was like, what is wrong with me? Shouldn't I be scared or anything? Why do I feel like this is just another day? For me, the feelings never came back that day. When I was mixing the thing and was ready to drink it, I was sure that my SI would kick in. But nope. Nothing. I read about people waiting for hours and couldn't do it. I didn't take any time to think. I just drank it like it was a cup of tea.

Good luck to you! And remember, if the feeling do show up, it's always okay to back out.

yeah. i'm still going to hide my phone on the other side of the house in case SI does kick in and i want to call 911. i only really have one shot at this, if this doesn't work my dad will start checking my mail and i won't be able to buy any more SN

 

[Suicidebydeath]

despite my dad being a good person, i still foster some resentment to him, because he knew that my mother has a mental illness and would be abusive, had the chance to abort me, and chose not to.

I relate to some of this. Growing up with family with issues that made it harder for me personally.

I hope you find peace whatever you choose. If talking could help make things easier, imo it's much better than a suicide hotline around here, you get way more support and we're not giving robotic standard answers that you'd expect or experience elsewhere.

This is just what I feel when I see someone that plans to ctb but they don't have a very high post count yet, so I hope that's ok that I said that.

 

[Sherri]

Think this very well, one you take it you have less than an hour to get help. Whatever you decide to do I wish you find the peace you are looking for, and I'm sorry life led you to this decision. It's ok to change your mind, nothing to be ashamed ok? Hugs.

 

[Gogogogo]

This is my first post here. Interesting that this is also the first post I've read. You sound a lot like my son. He's 17. His mom had mental illness(es). She was also abusive. She ended her life a few years ago, thank god. I wanted her to have an abortion because I knew the kind of life he would be brought into. But I had no control over that. It's not like I could force her. After she died, his resentment toward me was extreme. All of his anger and trauma was taken out on me. He's mostly past that now, but I think he still holds some resentment toward me.

I'm not trying to make this about me though. I guess I have a couple questions:

1) Why do you think your dad had the ability to abort you? As someone who has been in that position, I wish I had that power but I didn't.
2) Since you can't really say goodbye to your dad and hear his response, is there anything you would want to say to me? I'm obviously not your dad, but as someone in a very similar position, I could possibly tell you what I would say to my son. I will probably be in and out throughout the day because I have a lot to do today, so any response may not be immediate.

 

[squidgirl]

This is my first post here. Interesting that this is also the first post I've read. You sound a lot like my son. He's 17. His mom had mental illness(es). She was also abusive. She ended her life a few years ago, thank god. I wanted her to have an abortion because I knew the kind of life he would be brought into. But I had no control over that. It's not like I could force her. After she died, his resentment toward me was extreme. All of his anger and trauma was taken out on me. He's mostly past that now, but I think he still holds some resentment toward me.

I'm not trying to make this about me though. I guess I have a couple questions:

1) Why do you think your dad had the ability to abort you? As someone who has been in that position, I wish I had that power but I didn't.
2) Since you can't really say goodbye to your dad and hear his response, is there anything you would want to say to me? I'm obviously not your dad, but as someone in a very similar position, I could possibly tell you what I would say to my son. I will probably be in and out throughout the day because I have a lot to do today, so any response may not be immediate.

i have talked to him about it. he said that he felt a moral obligation to not get an abortion. i suppose it is possible that he wouldn't have had a choice anyway. I guess it's not really fair to have resentment toward him if i don't actually know. thanks for pointing that out.

 

[Zzzzz]

May you find peace. Perhaps I can ctb later if I get an opportunity.

 

[Gogogogo]

Well I can't relate to the moral stance against abortion, because there really isn't one once you remove religion from the consideration. But I have to wonder. Once you're gone and your dad is suffering the greatest pain he's ever felt, I imagine he might have a different position on that matter. Even if I were morally opposed to abortion, if I had two choices

1) Abort
2) Don't abort, and doom my child to a life of torment, pain, and eventual suicide, culminating in the greatest and longest lasting pain that I've ever felt.

I would choose option 1. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with your plans. I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[forgotten15]

I wish you peace. And remember, you can always rethink your decision, we are here for support no matter what you choose.

 

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

Wishing you the best and I hope you find peace.

 

[Geturdone]

Peace be with you.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

Well I can't relate to the moral stance against abortion, because there really isn't one once you remove religion from the consideration. But I have to wonder. Once you're gone and your dad is suffering the greatest pain he's ever felt, I imagine he might have a different position on that matter. Even if I were morally opposed to abortion, if I had two choices

1) Abort
2) Don't abort, and doom my child to a life of torment, pain, and eventual suicide, culminating in the greatest and longest lasting pain that I've ever felt.

I would choose option 1. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.

Adoption is always an adoption…. I'm adopted

 

[Gogogogo]

Adoption is always an adoption…. I'm adopted

Also a great option if that's what the parents want.

 

[Broadland]

it's currently the morning. i'm going to take ~20gm sn at 11:00 pm tonight. the thing is, i'm not scared. i don't really feel anything. maybe it's just because it's happening later today, so my brain can still compartmentalize it or something. i don't know, i just see all these posts about people being antsy or scared or excited and i feel weird for not feeling.

As someone's who's been almost completely numb since their mid teens, I've felt nothing too when I prepared to ctb before.
But despite that, when I wasn't able to breathe and actually realized that I'd die for real I still freaked out.
I still didn't fully feel emotions but I still experienced terror in a partially numb way.
Even though my life still wasn't ok, my trauma wasn't gone, my mental illnesses weren't cured, body was still irreversibly damaged from the wrong puberty, I still was afraid to die when it was about to happen.

SI is horrible. It's been 6 years now and I still want to ctb, but not knowing whether I'd be able to prevent myself from freaking out after ingesting the SN, and getting "saved" and then punished for even trying to escape this horrible existence makes me hesitate.
I don't know what I'd do if I ended waking up in a hospital after my attempt, getting questioned and then being put in a psych ward again.
Because of my past history there's no way I'd get out easily this time.

If you are absolutely sure that you want to ctb, please make sure to not have any regrets before doing so.
Do whatever things you wanted to do before you'd go. Try to be on good terms with the people you care about.
Saying goodbyes to people would obviously make them realize something was up, but having scheduled emails or text messages to be sent a couple of hours after I ctb is what I'm planning to do.

Also make sure that you've taken all the precautions that you could to lower the chance of failing as much as you can.
Like not getting caught, not throwing up, etc. Try to make it as comfortable as you possibly can.

And lastly, to be fully mentally prepared to through with it.
To know what to expect, especially in the worst case scenario.

Just remember that you can stop at any point before you take it and that it's ok to do so. Even after you've ingested it, you still have some time to call for help if you regret your decision. You won't be a failure or a coward for doing that.

No matter what your decision is though, I hope that you'll finally find peace.

 

[erdbeeren]

it's currently the morning. i'm going to take ~20gm sn at 11:00 pm tonight. the thing is, i'm not scared. i don't really feel anything. maybe it's just because it's happening later today, so my brain can still compartmentalize it or something. i don't know, i just see all these posts about people being antsy or scared or excited and i feel weird for not feeling.

If you go through with it, I hope death brings peace. I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[liberty_222]

I totally understand! I had a failed attempt last weekend and I felt the same way. I was like, what is wrong with me? Shouldn't I be scared or anything? Why do I feel like this is just another day? For me, the feelings never came back that day. When I was mixing the thing and was ready to drink it, I was sure that my SI would kick in. But nope. Nothing. I read about people waiting for hours and couldn't do it. I didn't take any time to think. I just drank it like it was a cup of tea.

Good luck to you! And remember, if the feeling do show up, it's always okay to back out.

May i know what caused your failed attempt

 

[doesntmatter_94]

May i know what caused your failed attempt

I collapsed on the floor in my hotel room. When I woke up, I heard some people walking by and talking. My brain convinced me that I made too much noise and they heard me and are about to call for help. I can't afford going to the ER so I threw it all up. Lesson I learned: when you drink it, stay in your bed, no matter what. Everything was fine, I was feeling peaceful up to the moment of standing up and fainting.

 

[liberty_222]

I collapsed on the floor in my hotel room. When I woke up, I heard some people walking by and talking. My brain convinced me that I made too much noise and they heard me and are about to call for help. I can't afford going to the ER so I threw it all up. Lesson I learned: when you drink it, stay in your bed, no matter what. Everything was fine, I was feeling peaceful up to the moment of standing up and fainting.

Do you mind me asking if you took anything other than sn?

 

[doesntmatter_94]

Do you mind me asking if you took anything other than sn?

I took ibuprofen, Benadryl, and Prilosec as acid reducer. For SN, I took a little less than recommended, I'd say about 15g, but it did feel like it was enough.

 

[liberty_222]

Man I'm using a beta blocker not a sedative. I just hope this shit works.

 

[doesntmatter_94]

Man I'm using a beta blocker not a sedative. I just hope this shit works.

I hope it all goes the way you want it to. Remember that we are here for you and, (yes, i gotta say it) it's okay to back out. Feel free to reach out if you need to talk.

 

[liberty_222]

Same for you