Venting ctb date consideration

[w4itingforthesun]

after everything that's happened i am stuck in this pit of sorrow and i just want to stop feeling and stop thinking forever. i have friends and they were there for me but even so i still can't help feeling so sick and lonely and i will be unhappy no matter what. i feel bad for them because they want to help me but i simply can't be helped and all i want is just to leave in peace.

i was thinking about what my date to ctb would be because it is something i truly wish to do. i was thinking it could be the day i met my special person, which was august 17. but i don't think ill have a plan in time by then and i definitely don't think id have the materials id need if i wanted to do the method i was thinking which is psh. i would need to get the stuff first without my parents noticing and then id have to practice everything and then id have to do it without failure. i dont think i can do that in the span of a month but i cant think of another date that would be better. i cant wait til next year either i cant make it to next year so i want a date that means something this year. can't do a birthday because his was in may and mine is in june which has passed.
i dunno i wish i could have everything just perfect and ready to go by then.