ctb by partial hanging soon

[spentspirit]

I've got everything lined up to ctb this Friday. Planning to use a pullup bar I bought with an extension cord, and will be going out in a hotel room.

Slipknot's been tied and tested, will's been written, notes are drafted and ready to send in my inbox. Only thing left to do is figure out how to contact the authorities to inform someone about the body, and to hurry up and wait.

I want to thank y'all here on SaSu for being such a great resource for me. Even just in the planning I found a lot of peace that brought me down from a place of overwhelm and overstimulation. I hope that others find the opportunity to heal and get better, even if I personally am choosing to exit this mortal plane.

 

[spentspirit]

As the date approaches, I keep getting hot and cold about it. More and more, I feel better and capable, but I still have to remember how much I've thrown away and how incapable I am now of actually taking care of myself... Everything is so scary, and re-adjusting to actually being in society writ-large would be awful.

 

[spentspirit]

Today is the day. Honestly I didn't expect to be able to recover to the point that I am at right now. Even still, though, the regret from the decisions I've made , the waste in my life and of my existence, it's all so empty. I know that I would never be able to re-enter society in a way that would make me feel like I both have a place and want to be here. I've cut off all attachments that I have to this life. My job prospects are now nonexistent, and I don't want to continue to mooch off of my family. I'm content with whatever fate awaits me in death.

 

[KillingPain267]

Sorry it had to come to this. The "re-entering of society" is so relatable though. I don't want anything in life anymore either and thus see no reason to continue much longer. I really hope you did your proper research about your method though. An extension cord? Sounds painful, why not a scarf?

 

[sometimesoon]

I hope you find peace. It's the same method I will be using

 

[spentspirit]

With a cord, I can be sure that it'll work. I don't want to be revived and have there be more brain damage than there already is.
I've been an chaotic person. I chose all of the wrong things in life, even though I had all of the opportunities to choose good and live happily and healthily. I had so many chances, and still I wasted life. I feel nothing but guilt and shame for how the world is -- I had been given a lot and I didn't do all that much.

Read up on a lot of spiritual texts over the last 9 months. Not sure I'd say I'm any more or less convinced of anything -- I think the power of belief is stronger than any individual, and maybe that speaks to what I've been feeling in terms of any kind of spirit.
In short I think I deserve a painful exit. I've done a lot of damage to spiritual order.

Also I kinda want all this shit to burn. Humans suck.

 

[spentspirit]

I'm really the one who should burn.

 

[1043169]

I'm sorry to hear. I wish you luck and peace.

 

[spentspirit]

Noose is set up. Of course no guarantee that y'all can confirm I succeeded... But I'm hopeful.
My SI are too strong /:

 

[spentspirit]

Failed...I couldn't deal with the adrenaline rush

 

[lilmisswbd2cbt]

I'm sorry you failed (if you are)—my story feels so similar, along with the SI…have you attempted this method (incl. extension cord) before/will you again? I've read on here mixed views on using a cord vs. a rope, etc. :(

 

[spentspirit]

I hope to try again if I'm not put into a psych ward by my parents. Kind of scared that will happen, I quit my "job".